Might Be On A Bit Too Much Moonshine

| Related | December 26, 2011

(My mother is asking me about a time when I went back-packing through Australia for a year.)

Mom: “Does Australia get the moon down there?”

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Christmas Is Off To A Rocky Start

| Related | December 25, 2011

(A little boy and his mother enter the store. The little boy is toting a fairly good sized rock with both hands.)

Little boy: “Mama, I want one of those toys for Christmas!”

(The little boy gestures to toys on display.)

Mother: “What do you want toys for? You don’t need toys! You have a perfectly good rock!”

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Hurting Your Sibling’s Fillings

| Related | December 24, 2011

(I am getting my molars removed for the first time, and I’m freaking out. My sister decides to take advantage.)

Me: *to receptionist* “So, where are they going take me for the procedure?”

Sister: “A dark, scary dungeon.”

Me: *to sister* “Ha. Ha. Very funny.” *to receptionist* “How’s the dentist planning on sedating me?”

Receptionist: “Well-”

Sister: “They’re going to strap you to a table and beat you with a log until you’re unconscious. Or your teeth fall out. Whichever comes first.”

Me: *to receptionist* “How long am I going to be out?”

Receptionist: “Well–”

Sister: “Years.”

Receptionist: “Oh my God, would you stop? Your brother is turning pale!”

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Do The Dishes To Get The Dishiest

| Related | December 23, 2011

(A girl I am seeing suddenly breaks off contact with me without a discernible reason. My mom finds out.)

Mom: “If there’s anything I can do to help you get girls, let me know. I am a girl after all, I know what girls like. For one thing, girls don’t like guys with long hair, it doesn’t look good.”

Me: *speechless*

Mom: “Also, you should put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. You’d get a lot more girls if you just weren’t so unattractive and inconsiderate!”

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Cause For Pregnant Pause

| Related | December 23, 2011

(My sister, toddler nephew, mother and I are all in a vehicle together. I’m 7 1/2 months pregnant.)

Sister: “Hey, what kind of birth control are you on?”

Me: *blinks* “Pregnancy? You can’t get pregnant if you’re already pregnant.”

Sister: “Wow, I can’t believe I actually asked you that.”

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