(While I’m at my desk, my 11-year-old daughter comes up behind me to hug me. I’m sitting and she’s standing, so she basically has to grab me in a headlock.)

Me: “Honey, I can’t breathe like this!”

Daughter: “You can live three minutes without air.”

(My brother and sister are arguing about the American Revolution. My sister is in high school.)

Brother: “Our patriots fought like 200 or 300 years ago.”

Sister: “No! They fought like 3,000 years ago!”

Brother: “Uhm…”

Sister: “Yeah! From 17000 to 18000 is a thousand years!”

(My mum is admiring my new sketchbook. I’m right handed, while she’s left handed.)

Mum: “I like this book, but it’s too small. I find I smudge the pencil across the right page, because I start on the left side.”

(I silently take the book, and turn it upside down.)

Mum: “…for a smart woman, I can be really stupid sometimes.”

(My fiancé’s 12-year-old nephew and his friend are playing a video game in another room. We overhear their conversation.)

Nephew’s Friend: “It’s bad that you have two uncles.”

Nephew: “Why’s that? They love each other.”

Nephew’s Friend: “Well, you’ll never have any cousins.”

Nephew: “So what!? Uncle [my name] has a dog! A dog is better than any stupid cousin.”

(My uncle, nine-year-old brother, and seven-year-old me, are watching a movie. My mom isn’t paying particular attention to what we are watching. She walks past the living room. The movie is on a particularly graphic sex scene.)

Mom: “What’s this rated?”

Uncle: “R.”

Mom: “What!?”

Uncle: “…’R’ we sure it’s rated PG? Yes we are!”