Return Of De Ting, Part 2

| Related | April 3, 2012

(I overhear a conversation going on between my mum who is in the study, and my sister who is in the kitchen.)

Sister: “Hey mum, can I have some of these squishy thingies?”

Mum: “What are these squishy thingies?”

Sister: “The round squishy thingies on the bench.”

Mum: “I don’t know what the squishy thingies are! Come here!”

Sister: “No! They are round and squishy and covered in little round things. You know what they are!”


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She Isn’t A Shrimping Violet

| Related | April 3, 2012

(I’m out shopping with my Grandma, who’s always right. We’re looking for packs of spaghetti. Grandma finally finds a pack of it, and unfortunately this store only sells one specific brand.)

Grandma: “Let me see this. Ugh. They have shrimp in it! Outrageous! I can’t eat shrimp. This is no good!”

(She puts it back.)

Me: “Wait, let me see…grandma, it’s alright. They just printed an image of a shrimp onto the pack. The spaghetti itself is made out of plain wheat and water.”

Grandma: “No, it isn’t. You don’t know anything!”

Me: “No, look, on the ingredient list right here. It says ‘wheat and water’.”

Grandma: “So they grind the shrimp into the noodles then.”

Me: “No, it’s just—”

Grandma: “Be quiet, you don’t know better than me.”

Me: “But—”

Grandma: “You don’t know anything about this world! I know the shrimp is lurking
somewhere in these spaghetti!”

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Taco Whacko

| Related | April 3, 2012

(During dinner, my family’s conversations tend to be somewhat entertaining. The family is sitting down eating steak tacos.)

Mom: “I don’t know if I’ve ever had steak tacos before now. I didn’t know they had them. I just knew about things like beef in them.”

Me: “I think I’ve heard of steak tacos. I mean, they’re just like chicken tacos.”

Dad: “And chicken tacos are an affront to God.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Dad: “They’re an affront to God.”

Me: “I don’t get it.”

Dad: “Well, if you don’t get it, then—”

Me: “No, just the one part. What’s ‘an affront to God’?”

Dad: “Well, a front is usually a fake company set up to hide that they are laundering money.”

Mom: “Oh God. It’s something that’s offensive to God.

Me: “That’s what I thought, I just wasn’t sure.” *to dad* “Wait, why would God need a front?”

Dad: “Well, to launder his money, of course. God makes chicken tacos so that he can launder money!”

Me: “Why would God need to launder money at all?”

Dad: “Well, he likes the challenge. Just look at the platypus!”

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Fast Drivers Go Pop

| Related | April 3, 2012

(My twin sister and I have just got our learner’s permits. Our dad takes to lecturing us about driving safely whenever we are trapped in the car with him. As he pulls into the driveway, he is winding to the end of one of his longer speeches.)

Dad: “…and after all, what do you call a fast car driven by a stupid person? You call it—”

Sister: “Soda cans.”

Dad: “Well, I was going to say ‘an accident waiting to happen’, but that works, too.”

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The Whatchamacallit Family

, | Related | April 2, 2012

(My father and his brother own an apple orchard that’s been in the family for close to 100 years. One day, I am going to run an errand, and my brother, one of our cousins, and their wives happened to be there.)

Cousin: “Are you taking the thing to place?” (Translation: Are you taking the van to the frozen storage facility?)

Me: “To get the stuff, yeah.” (Translation: To get the cider that’s been in storage, yeah.)

Brother: “Did they tell you that you have to flip the doo-dad?” (Translation: Did they (Dad and uncle) tell you that you have to flip the latch on the door to get it to catch when you close it?)

Me: “Yes, and Hidgegummy showed me how to use the whatsits to open the gizmo.” (Yes, and Dad showed me how to use the crowbar to jimmy open the rear door with the latch that is stuck closed.))

(Upon hearing all this, my cousin’s wife, her eyes huge, turns to my brother’s wife.)

Cousin’s wife: “Oh. My. God! The whole family does it!””

(Note: We know that the aphasia likely isn’t genetic since my cousin is adopted.)

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