With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 5

| Orlando, FL, USA | Related | May 31, 2012

(My brother and sister are making lunch in the kitchen.)

Brother: “Bacon! If I add bacon I will have a complete meal. Bread, cheese, meat, salt, and bacon.”

Sister: “What about the refried beans?”

Brother: “That’s secondary. Bacon goes before the fall.”

Sister: “Everybody thinks it was the apple that caused the fall, but in reality it was bacon!”

Related – From NotAlwaysRomantic
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 4
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 3
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 2
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility

Egg-spert Parenting

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Related | May 31, 2012

(A friend of mine who I haven’t seen in a while is coming over to visit. He brings a colorful box with him, and places it on my coffee table.)

Me: “What is that?”

Friend: “Oh, that’s my grandson.”

Me: “What?”

(I look in the box to see an egg with a crudely drawn face, cushioned by colored paper and packing peanuts.)

Me: “What the…are you alright, man?”

Friend: “You can blame the public education system for this one.”

Me: “Alright, I’m listening.”

Friend: “It’s my daughter’s school project; they’re making her class simulate childcare with these eggs. The objective is to make sure they stay unbroken, and they cannot be left unattended. You know, like real children.”

Me: “So, I take it that your daughter decided to dump the responsibility onto others instead of raising the ‘kid’ herself?”

Friend: “Yep. Even though it’s her school project, I still feel like I’ve learned from this more than my daughter has.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? How so?”

Friend: “If these kids can’t even take care of an egg, it scares me to think that some of them might have real kids someday.”

Me: “Well, ain’t that some s***.”

Friend: “Watch your mouth! My grandson can hear you!”

Like Dog, Like Owner

| Related | May 31, 2012

Mom Gets The Last Meow

| Seattle, WA, USA | Related | May 30, 2012

(My cat has been in and out of the house all day, and Mom is getting a little tired of it.)

Cat: “Meow.”

(Mom ignores her.)

Me: “You’re going to have to meow louder than that.”

Cat: *louder* “Meow!”

Mom: *to the cat* “Don’t listen to your dad.”

Put A Football Sock In It

| Tequesta, FL, USA | Related | May 30, 2012

(My grandfather loves the Miami Dolphins. Us grandkids love sitting in his den watching the games with him.)

Cousin: “Wow, what a play!”

Brother: “Nuh-uh! It was bad! Tell ‘em grandpa!”

(Grandpa puts his hand up to his hearing aid, and watches the TV closely as they zoom in on the coach.)

Grandpa: “Nope, bad play. The coach should put [player] in. He would do much better.”

(The six grandkids all stare wide eyed at my grandfather.)

Grandpa: “Kids, you’ll have to be a little quieter so I can talk to the coach, and tell him what plays to make, or else we’ll have more bad plays like the other one!”

(Us six kids made sure to watch football quietly for the rest of the game.)

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