The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together, Part 4

| Related | March 13, 2012

(I volunteer with a Brownie unit (similar to Girl Scouts), and am often required to get the badges that the girls need. I have forgotten to write down what I need this week, and suddenly remember whilst sitting in the living room with my family. They are used to this, so they often make jokes. )

Me: “Okay, so I’m going to need a cyclist and a gardener badge.”

Dad: “Well, um, I’ll be the cyclist and your mother can do the gardening.”

Mum: “What exactly do you need us for?”

Sister: “Probably something evil like poisoning and knocking people over. Don’t do it!”

Me: “Nope. Dad’s going to power my killing machine with his bike and Mum’s going to hide the bodies in the shrubbery. I have thought this through, you know.”

Dad: “Okay, well let me know when you need me.” *goes back to reading the
newspaper*

 

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10-4 Doesn’t Work On 9-5

| Related | March 13, 2012

(My dad and I are at the drive-thru of a popular burger joint. Unfortunately, he tends to say some pretty weird things when ordering.)

Dad: *finishes order* “So, what’s the damage?”

Cashier: “That’ll be $12.41. Please pull forward to the next window.”

Dad: “10-4!”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Dad: “Okay.” *to me* “Geez, You’d think they would hire someone who spoke
English.”

Me: “Just get the food.”

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Brace Yourself For A Bad Joke

| Related | March 13, 2012

(My sister has just gotten braces.)

Sister: “It’s a pain in the butt to clean braces.”

Dad: “If it’s a pain in your butt, then you are doing it way wrong.”

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Bark Of The Dead

| Related | March 12, 2012

(There are scratching noises coming from the attic.)

Little brother: “Mommy, what happened to Sheeba?”

(Sheeba is a dog of ours that died before my brother was born.)

Me: “She died.”

Little brother: “No, I mean what happened to Sheeba’s body?”

*pause*

Mom: “There is not a ZOMBIE DOG in our attic.”

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Under-stated But Not Under-aged

| Related | March 12, 2012

(I am gay, and am back from University. I’m staying with my parents for the summer holidays, along with my girlfriend. We are having some private time when my seven-year-old nephew walks in and surprises us. We decide not to lie to him, and explain that we are two women who love each other. He accepts this and takes it in his stride. Three years later, our degrees are finished and we decide to get married. We are telling my brother and sister in law.)

Brother: “I am so happy for you. I just wonder how I’m going to tell the kids that their auntie is marrying a woman.”

Nephew: *from the other room* “It’s okay, dad. I know auntie Sarah’s been a lesbian for years.” *without skipping a beat* “Can I bring a friend to the wedding?”

(It turns out, my brother his wife had been avoiding the subject for years. They needn’t have bothered! And, our wedding was fantastic!)

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