(My brother is being very naughty. He’s been throwing tantrums, and has not eaten his breakfast. He finally calms down, and asks for a sugary snack instead.)
Brother: “Can I please have [snack]?”
Me: “Sorry, you haven’t been a good boy.”
Brother: “I was good for an hour!”
Me: “You weren’t good for an hour.”
Brother: “I was good for an hour while I was sleeping!”
(My sister and I are big Broadway fans. My dad decides to surprise us by getting the family tickets to see “Avenue Q.”)
Me: “Four tickets for…” *gasps* “Avenue Q!”
Dad: “Yup!”
Me: “AAAGH, OH, MY GOD, YES! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”
(I start flailing happily. My sister comes running down the stairs.)
Sister: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “AVENUE Q TICKETS!”
Sister: “SHUT UP!”
Me: “YES!”
Sister: “OH, MY GOD!”
Aunt: “What’s Avenue Q?”
Dad: “Oh, no…”
Me: “YOU’RE JOKING!”
(My aunt has a sudden look of fear.)
Me: “IT’S LIKE SESAME STREET—”
Sister: “FOR ADULTS—”
Me: “AND THEY TALK ABOUT ADULT STUFF—”
Sister: “LIKE SEX—”
Me: “AND GAY PEOPLE—”
Sister: “AND LOSING JOBS—”
Me: “AND GARY COLEMAN—”
(My sister and I continue shouting broken sentences at my aunt as she shrinks down in fear.)
Me: “DOESN’T IT SOUND AMAZING?!”
Aunt: “You know what… never mind. I’ll just look it up myself.”
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(My tiny two-year-old daughter excitedly runs up to me.)
Daughter: “Mummy, can I tell you a secret?”
Me: “Sure, you can.”
(I bend over so my daughter can whisper in my ear. Unexpectedly, she speaks in a low, demonic whisper.)
Daughter: “I. Killed. Mufasa.”
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(I am three years old. I have a really bad cold that is keeping me from sucking on my thumb to sleep. I go downstairs to cry to my mom.)
Me: “Mommy, I can’t suck my thumb!”
Mom: *sarcastic* “Just stick it in your ear.”
(I put my thumb in my ear.)
Me: “It’s not working!”
(My mom had to leave the room so I that I didn’t see her laugh.)
(I’m cutting up onions to go with dinner. After doing a good job with the first one, I’m starting to tear up pretty bad. My mum walks in.)
Mum: “It’s not the onions, is it? Go on, you can tell me.”
Me: “It is the onions! They’re saying very mean things!”
Mum: “Those mother-f******! Chop them! Chop them I say! Chop their balls off!”
