There Will Be Blood-Stains

| USA | Related | May 4, 2012

(We have a UV light to see stuff on stamps. I catch my 7 year old brother with the light over the carpet in his bedroom.)

Me: “Hey, you aren’t supposed to use that alone. It’s dangerous.”

(I see no stamps beneath the light.)

Me: “What are you using the light for?”

Brother: *matter-of-factly* “Looking for blood…”

 

Insults Are Best Served Cold

| NY, USA | Related | May 4, 2012

(My sister and I are having some ice cream for dessert.)

Sister: “Oh, crap.” *winces in pain*

Me: “Brain freeze?”

Sister: *recovers* “Yep. Oh, God. I hate those.”

Me: “I’m not sure why, but I don’t get brain freezes.”

Sister: “Probably because you don’t have much to freeze.”

Dry Wall And Dry Humor

| USA | Related | May 3, 2012

(My girlfriend of two years and I have just moved in together. One of our friends who is helping us move accidentally falls against the wall, knocking a hole in it. My girlfriend is more handy around the house than I am, so fixes it with a drywall patch. My parents show up for a little housewarming dinner. I went to culinary school, something my father isn’t too proud of. This is also the very first time they’ve ever met my girlfriend.)

Father: “I smell paint. Did you finally stop being a girl and fix something around the house, boy?”

Me: “No, dad. You said it yourself; I’m about as handy with home repair as using a sandwich for a drill. [Girlfriend’s name] knew how to fix it, so she did it.”

Father: *to my girlfriend* “You? You did this?”

(He spends the next twenty minutes examining the wall trying to find her patch, and he can’t.)

Father: “Where did you learn to do that?”

Girlfriend: “My dad.”

Father: “So basically, your dad raised a boy with girl parts.”

Girlfriend: “According to your redneck idiot logic, you raised a girl with boy parts. But no, I don’t think of it that way. I think of it as being raised knowing how to handle myself.”

(My father is sputtering, speechless and turning an ugly shade of purple.)

Mother: *to me* “Don’t screw this up, honey. I like this one.”

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About To Start A Flame War

| BC, Canada | Related | May 3, 2012

(My family is playing ‘You don’t say’, which is kind of like taboo where you describe a word without saying it. My gay middle brother is describing a word for my oldest brother.)

Middle brother: “Okay. If I light myself on fire then I am…?”

Oldest brother: *shouting* “…a flaming homosexual!”

Spider-Pig

| KY, USA | Related | May 3, 2012

Me: *snorting like a pig*

Nephew: “I didn’t know you could make that noise!”

Me: “I can do all kinds of stuff!”

Nephew: “…Can you pick up that stove?”

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