(My dog has terrible anxiety. It has gotten worse when I move out of my parents’ house, and leave her with my folks. I call to check on her.)
Dad: “Yeah, I came home, and she had gotten into your mother’s cigarettes.”
Me: “Wait, WHAT?”
Dad: “And there were beer cans everywhere, and then I saw the Doberman trying to sneak out the back door!”
Me: “Really, dad?”
(My family are talking about going on a cruise together. My two-year-old niece overhears after we mention how big the ship looks.)
Niece: “I wanna go on a big s***!”
(Thankfully, we manage to get her to call it a cruise.)
(My brother and I are sitting in the living room watching TV. My mom is nearby browsing the internet.)
Mom: “Hey guys? What does ‘WTF’ mean?”
(My brother and I fall off the couch cracking up at the randomness of her question.)
Brother: “It means what the food!”
Me: “It means what the Frodo!”
Mom: “Uh…”
Me: “Okay, really it means ‘what the…'” *mouths the f-word*
Mom: “Oh, my God! Why does this website sell t-shirts with ‘WTF’ written on them?”
(I’m sitting at home, and get a phone call from one of my brothers.)
Brother: “Hey, if you’re stuck in jail, what do you need to get out?”
Me: “Umm, some dynamite to blow up the walls, because I’m not smart enough to sneak out.”
Brother: “Okay, and after that what do you need?”
Me: “Probably a getaway car, and maybe a phone.”
Brother: “And some money, too, right?”
Me: “Yeah, I guess. Why?”
(My brother explains that he’s getting our mom’s birthday present ready. When asked what she wanted, she said a million dollars, and a way out of prison. For her present, he hid a metal file in her cake, and put together an escape kit that had a birthday card, some chocolate, a passport, and a thousand dollars. Apparently he owes her money. My mom’s birthday comes around, and she is opening her present.)
Mom: “That’s a lot of money. It can’t be real!”
Brother: “No, it is.”
Mom: “Well, take it back! I don’t need all of it.”
(After explaining to her where the money came from, she finally stops trying to give the money back.)
(My brother and I are both wearing our dad’s softball team’s shirt the day of a game. My brother looks me up and down, and then looks at his shirt.)
Brother: “Well, one of us is going to have to change, and I was wearing it first.”
