Not Exactly The Pick Of The Litter

| NL, Canada | Related | December 11, 2011

(One of my regulars comes to my cash with her small child. The mother is very much pregnant.)

Me: “Oh hello, [mother] and [daughter], how are you today?”

Customer: “We’re great!” *turns to daughter* “Tell [me] what Mommy is going to have in September!”

Customer’s daughter: “A baby!”

Me: “Really? What do you hope it’ll be?”

Customer’s Daughter: “A puppy!”

Also seen on Not Always Right

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Literally Scream For Ice Cream

, | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Related | December 11, 2011

(Today’s featured ice cream flavor of the day was ‘Boston Pie’.)

Me: “What kind of ice cream would you like?”

Little girl: “A scoop of the Boston Massacre, please.”

Father: “Sorry. That’s what she’s studying in school right now.”

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Of Breath Smoke And Breast Strokes

| Asheville, NC, USA | Related | December 11, 2011

(A customer with children in tow tries to book a smoking room, but we are sold out.)

Customer’s kids: “We want to go swimming!”

Customer: “They don’t have any smoking rooms, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.”

Customer’s kids: “Can’t you just go outside and smoke?”

Customer: “It’s snowing outside! Oh, you’d like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn’t you?”

Me: “I can call the motel next door for you and see if they have any smoking rooms available.”

Customer’s kids: “But they have an indoor pool here! We want to go in the pool!”

Customer: “That’s all you do, isn’t it? All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!”

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It’ll Go Away If You’re Belieber

| Illinois, USA | Related | December 11, 2011

(I work as a nurse in hospital in Illinois. Keep in mind where quite busy at the moment. A woman rushes up to me dragging a preteen girl behind her.)

Woman: “Help! Please help! My daughter needs a vaccine!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I need to know what the vaccine is for. Do you have an appointment?”

Woman: “No! I don’t have any appointment! My daughter has a fever!”

Daughter: “Mom! I don’t have a fever!”

Woman: *still looking at me* “Her aunt told me she has it! The Heever Fever!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you trying to say ‘Bieber Fever’?”

Woman: “Yes! That!”

Daughter: “Mom! You’re embarrassing me!”

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Emergency Services Must Be Pooped

| Tampa, FL, USA | Related | December 11, 2011

(I get dispatched to a call: ‘1 year old male, possibly crying’. We get on scene and the mother opens the front door with a happy and healthy baby in her arms.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Mother: “Well, my baby just looked terrible so I freaked out and called you guys.”

Me: “It’s not a problem. Can you tell me what happened?”

Mother: “Well it was right after dinner. He looked confused, turned bright red, and started crying uncontrollably.”

Me: “And when did he stop crying?”

Mother: “He just stopped right before you guys got here. I changed his diaper, and here we are.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think I know what the problem is. Your baby was just constipated.”

(At this point, the grandmother walks in the room.)

Grandmother: “You called 911? He had to poop! I told you he wasn’t ready for solid food! I’m sorry, guys. You can go back to the people who really need your help. I got this.”

Also seen on Not Always Right

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