(I have recently broken up with my ex. A few days later, I receive several prank calls from the same number. I get suspicious after I hear a very familiar male voice in the background. I’m talking this over with my dad.)

Dad: “Okay, here’s what you do. Next time that number calls, give it to me.”

(Five minutes later, my phone rings. I hand it over to my dad.)

Dad: “You have reached the [city name] police department. This call is being recorded.” *hands my phone back* “Oh, look at that. They hung up.”

(Best. Dad. Ever.)

(My four-year-old sister comes out of the backroom with tampons.)

Sister: “Mom, what are these? I saw you use them when I was in the bath.”

(My mum tries to work around this.)

Mum: “Uh… they are for mummies when they are sick.”

(A few days later, we are shopping. My sister runs towards my mother, waving a box of tampons.)

Sister: “Mom, you forgot the tablets for your bum!”

(We make a very swift exit!)

(In DC, homeless people often beg inside metro stations. I witness a homeless man ask two sisters standing on the platform for money.)

Man: “Could I have some change? Please? I’m hungry. Could anyone spare a few coins?”

Sister #1: “No! If you want money, you should get a job and earn it yourself. It’s people like you who drag society down. All you do is take money from hardworking people like us. Leave us alone, please!”

(The homeless man tips his hat to them and turns to leave. Sister #2 grabs his arm.)

Sister #2: “Wait! Don’t go so fast! Here, I don’t have much more than this on me.”

(Sister #2 hands the homeless man a $20 bill.)

Sister #2: “Here you go; I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more.”

Man: “Oh, missy, thank you. God bless you.”

Sister #2: “No, no. God bless you, and good luck in whatever you do.”

(The homeless man walks away, markedly happier.)

Sister #1: “Why did you do that? You know you’re just encouraging them! Geez. I don’t get you sometimes.”

Sister #2: “I have a job. It’s my money, and I’ll do what I want with it. It’s none of your business. You could tell he needed it more than I did.”

Sister #1: “Well, still! You could’ve spent that money on something worthwhile!”

Sister #2: “Like what? Tell me, what exactly could I buy that is more important than a fellow person?”

Sister #1: “Whatever. But don’t waste your money like that anymore.”

Sister #2: “I’ll waste it however I want. I wouldn’t want to live in a world that was full of people like you. I can’t believe I’m even related to you!”

(It makes my day. It’s good to know that there are people with hearts of gold in the world!)

(My dad and I have been discussing the difference in caring for larger dogs as compared to smaller dogs.)

Dad: “But those larger dogs, they get issues with their hips. I can’t remember what they call that. Something dysplasia?”

Me: “Uh… you mean HIP dysplasia?”

(My dad and I are mowing the driveway into the five acres he owns. The surrounding 280+ acres are owned by a very grouchy immigrated man who wants our land. This neighbor trespasses on our land constantly, and refuses us access to his land in return. We find him moving the property line stakes farther into our land.)

Dad: “What are you doing? You can’t move the property stakes, man.”

Neighbor: “Yes can. My land here. Yours there.”

Dad: “No, that’s not where the property line is. I just had this surveyed, and would appreciate if you left my property and the property stakes alone. Stay off my land.”

Neighbor: *in German* “F****** stupid cows! It should be my land! It should not belong to some a**-hole and his little b****! Damn—”

Me: *in German* “Excuse me? Get off my dad’s land before I call the police. The next time I see you moving property stakes, or dragging deer across this property, I’m going to shoot you in the a** with a paintball gun. Now f*** off, a**-hole.”

(The neighbor turns florid red, and stomps off.)

Dad: “Well, that solves that. Do I want to know what you told him?”

Me: “I told him that if I saw him again on our land, I’d shoot him in the a** with a paintball gun.”

Dad: “That’s my girl!”