Childbirth Is Not To Be Sniffed At

| Orlando, FL, USA | Related | January 26, 2012

(My brother has the sniffles all day, because his sinuses are acting up.)

Brother: “Don’t get allergies.”

Me: “Too late for that. I’ve already got some.”

Brother: “Then don’t get pregnant. It sucks.”

Me: “You would know?”

Brother: “Yep, it’s like PMS times 1000.”

Sharing Wits With The Witnesses

| Las Vegas, NV, USA | Related | January 25, 2012

(Note: My brother is a philosophy major, and makes a hobby of logically disputing various religious beliefs. While at home, our doorbell rings.)

Brother: “I’ll get it.”

Me: “Don’t, it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses. We’re ignoring them.”

Brother: “Oh!”

(He enthusiastically heads for the door.)

Me: “No, you cannot play with them.”

Brother: “Aw, you’re no fun!”

Parenting Outside The Box

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Related | January 25, 2012

(A customer approaches me, with an eight-year-old girl in tow.)

Customer: “Hi! Can you help me load this box into my car?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

(We struggle for five minutes, putting seats down, tossing things around, and contorting the box as best we can. In the end, it’s laying on top of the (now flat) passenger seat, stretching across to the back seat on the opposite side. The remaining seat is full of stuff we had to move around.)

Customer: “Whew! We’re good!”

Customer’s daughter: “Mommy, where am I going to sit?”

Customer: “You’re, uh… going on the roof.”

Wise-cracks Are (Tali)Banned

| Highlands Ranch, CO, USA | Related | January 25, 2012

(I am 8 years old at the time. I go downstairs because I am hungry. Note: this takes place before we have found Osama Bin Laden.)

Me: “Daddy, I’m hungry.”

Dad: “It’s really close to dinner, sweetie. You shouldn’t eat too much. But, I guess you can have a few Ritz Crackers.”

Me: “We have Ritz? Where?”

Dad: “In the cabinet, go look.”

(I see them in the cabinet, but close it and turn to him.)

Me: “But I don’t like Ritz!”

Dad: “What? Why would you want to know where something is if you don’t like it?”

Me: “Well, we hate Osama bin Laden, but we’d love to know where he is right now!”

(He sends me to my room, with my mom and sister cracking up at him in the next room.)

Seventh Time’s The Charm

| NY, USA | Related | January 24, 2012

(I’m watching television with my dad when the lottery number calling comes on. My dad and I invented a game where we try to guess the numbers. He’s outgrown it, but I still do it.)

Television announcer: “Okay, the first number up-”

Me: “SEVEN!”

Television announcer: “-is six. The next-”

Me: “SEVEN!”

Television announcer: “-is three. The next-”

Me: “SEVEN!”

Television announcer: “-is four. The next-”

Me: “SEVEN!”

Television announcer: “-is seven.”

Me: “WHOO!”

Dad: *sighs and rolls his eyes*

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