(I have been sick for almost two weeks straight, and haven’t showered in a few days, so I look pretty awful.)

Mom: “I love you and you know I think you are beautiful, but man, some days you just look nasty.”

Me: “Ah… thanks?”

(The falconry centre I work at also keep a few small mammals for kids birthday parties, including three ferrets.)

Customer: “Oh look, ferrets!”

Customer’s Son: “Mummy, what are ferrets?”

Customer: “You know in Ice Age, the stupid things that hang upside down from trees? Those are ferrets.”

(I am six years old, and I’m also adopted. I’m a ginger and so is my mother; however, she’s just dyed her hair platinum blonde. My mother and I are out shopping. As we go to checkout, the clerk turns to me.)

Clerk: “Oh what lovely red hair. Did you get it from your mother?”

Me: *turns to look at mom, back to the clerk, back to mom* “No, it came with me; it’s part of the package!”

Me: “I think my butt is catching up with me now.”

Mom: “…what?”

Me: “Oh, I mean that it’s starting to hurt, from riding my bike without the gel seat cover on it this morning.”

(My brother and I are both in the kitchen before school. I’m 19 and he’s 14. I am up very late, as usual, and am a bit out of it.)

Me: “[Brother], pass me the p*rn cops.”

Brother: “…I guess I know why you were up so late.”