Drunk Dial And Redial

(I’m texting my ex while playing a game. I slip my finger on my phone so I accidentally call her. I quickly hang up and she starts calling me back. I keep hanging up and after four calls, I get a text.)

Ex: “I saw that you had called. Answer!”

Me: *ignores it*

Ex: “I wanna hear your voice! Just 10 seconds! You can whisper!”

(She then calls me again. I hang up at once and send her a new text just saying ‘WAIT’. A few moments later, she calls yet again. I answer.)

Me: “Read. My. Text.”

(I hang up. She calls again and I keep hanging up. Once I’m done playing, I can FINALLY answer the phone. It’s very obvious from the get-go that she’s drunk and makes no sense half the time. As I’m tired, I barely listen to what she’s saying. After a while, she says this.)

Ex: “I wish you were here! If you were, I would let you use my breasts as a pillow any time you wanted!”

Me: *complete and utter silence*

Ex: “Are you there?”

Me: “You won’t recall ANYTHING tomorrow, will you?!”

Ex: “Sure I will!”

Me: “No, you REALLY won’t!”

(The next day, I text her and asks if she recalls anything. She doesn’t and asks what we talked about. I tell her to get on Skype and read what we said. She gets to the part where she says she wants to let me use her breasts as pillows.)

Ex: “I said that?!”

Me: “Yes. After saying you wanted to kiss me and take like a thousand f***ing photos of me!”

Ex: “How the h*** did you manage to deal with me?!”

Me: “Well, I say like my mom: it’s more fun being sober. That way, I get to see how stupid everyone else is.”

(She bursts into laughter, and is STILL hell-bent on wanting me to use her breasts as pillows.)