Putting The Matter To Bed

(I have just moved into a furnished apartment. The headboard for my bed is bolted to the wall. After a few nights, I wake up around three am to my bed vigorously shaking.)

Noises: “Yeah! Right there! That’s it! Uh!”

(Once I wake up a bit more, I realize my next door neighbors’ bed must be mirrored to mine in their apartment, and so when they have sex, they can wake me up as well. Not wanting to hear more, I bang on the wall, and they quiet down. However, the next night…)

Neighbors: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes, yes, YES!” *bed shaking like it’s on a bumpy road*

(I bang on the wall again, but this repeats itself every few nights, and always around three in the morning. Finally, I hit on a unique idea one night…)

Neighbors: *reaching the climax* “Yes! Right there! Oh, oh, I’m almost there…”

Me: “AAAH! IT’S AN EARTHQUAKE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! EVERYBODY INTO THE LIFEBOATS! WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST! OH GOD, THIS IS THE END! HEEEEEELLLP!”

(I guess they decided to have sex during the day when I’m not around because this hasn’t happened since!)