Punch, Drunk, And Love

(I’m sitting at a bar when a drunk man approaches a regular female customer, who has been quietly chatting with the also-female bartender.)

Drunk Customer: “Hey, honey, let me buy you a drink.”

Female Regular: *not even turning around* “No thanks. Already have one, and just so you know, I’m married.”

Drunk Customer: “S***, b****, I’m just offering a beer.”

Female Regular: “And I’m politely declining. Please leave me alone.”

Drunk Customer: “I bet I could f****** beat the s*** out of your man!”

Female Regular: *smiling slightly* “Most likely.”

(The male customer sitting next to her, who has been quietly eating his food, and seemingly not involved in the situation at all, laughs.)

Male Customer: “Gee, thanks, babe.”

(The drunk man scoffs at the male customer, who is at least five inches shorter and, while fit, not remotely as muscular as the drunk.)

Drunk Customer: “You’re this b****’s man?”

Male Customer: “I’m this woman’s husband, yes.”

Drunk Customer: “S***, I could pummel you in seconds! She should ditch your sorry a**, and I’ll show her what a real man is like!”

Male Customer: “You could probably beat me up, but that’s not the problem. My wife asked you to leave. Please do so before you get hurt.”

Drunk Customer: “F*** you, what are you gonna do about it?!”

(The drunk customer grabs the male customer’s shoulder, and tries to punch him. Before he can, the female regular turns on her bar stool, twists the drunk’s hand away, and punches him so hard in the face that he drops to the floor.)

Male Customer: “I didn’t say I’d hurt you.”

(The drunk stumbles to his feet, furious and bleeding from his nose.)

Drunk Customer: “F*** you both!” *to the bartender* “This b**** punched me! Throw her out!”

Bartender: *laughs* “H*** no!”

Drunk Customer: “B****! I AM THE OWNER’S BROTHER! I WANT THIS W**** AND HER HUSBAND TOSSED!”

Bartender: *to the female regular* “Huh, I didn’t know we had a brother.”

Drunk Customer: “…huh?”

Bartender: “I own this bar, and the woman you were treating oh-so-kindly is my little sister. And she had every right to deck you for being a d***.”

Drunk Customer: “F*** ALL OF YOU! I DON’T NEED TO LISTEN TO YOU, YOU F****** GINGER IRISH W****! TRYING TO RUIN ME! NO MAN WILL EVER WANT TO F*** YOU, YOU B****!”

Bartender: “You don’t need to listen to us anymore. Get out of my bar; you’re banned for life.”

(The drunk man continues to scream obscenities at her, her sister, and her brother-in-law, until he had to be dragged out by the bouncer—the bartender’s husband.)