Practise Makes Perfect Comeback

(I am a 15-year-old girl. A friend has asked me to take care of her dog while her family is out of town. My older sister, who is married with four kids, is visiting from out of state. I have her youngest, who is four months old, in a carrier. I am aware that people will think I’m her mom, and figure out what I’m going to say in case someone says something nasty. To my delight, someone does and the conversation goes exactly as planned.)

Stranger: “You irresponsible teenagers. You are WAY too young to be a mom.”

Me: “Have you been practicing that jump?”

Stranger: “Jump?”

Me: “Yeah, the one you just used to get to that conclusion.”

Stranger: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, because I’m a teenage girl with a baby, you assumed I’m her mother. You also probably assumed I’m either a bad student or have already dropped out of school. I’m possibly into drugs and may have a criminal record. Am I right?”

Stranger: “Well—”

Me: “For your information, I am a straight-A student; in fact, I’m at the top of my whole grade at [Local High School]. You can call and confirm that; my name’s [My Name]. I am also a virgin — I’ve never even kissed a boy, and I plan not to until my wedding day. The reason I’m out here with a baby is that my sister, who is 32 years old and married, thank you very much, is visiting from Colorado and her daughter, [Baby], sleeps best when she’s being carried around. So, thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful day.”

(It was the most fun I’d had in a long time.)