What A Tool

, , , | Right | May 13, 2010

Me: “Hello, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to buy this table saw, but I only want to pay $300.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the price is $400.”

Customer: “But I only want to pay $300!”

(This goes back and forth three or four times.)

Customer: “Tell you what. Take $100 off the table saw and I might come in next week and buy that!” *points to a $20 tool*

Me: “Sorry, sir but I’m not taking $100 off an item just because you buy a $20 item in a week.”

Customer: “You clearly don’t know how to run a business!”

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Not Always Right Is Never Wrong

| Working | July 17, 2014

(As an eager young 16 year old, I get my first job, as a busboy for a local pizzeria. While training me on my responsibilities, the manager tries to impart some timeless wisdom to me.)

Manager: “Customer service is important. You’ve heard the saying, I’m sure: ‘The Customer Is Always Right.'”

Me: “Yes, I’ve heard that.”

Manager: “Well, don’t believe it. Nine times out of ten, the customer is a f****** moron.”

Me: “…”

Manager: “But here’s the thing: the customer may be the biggest g****** sack of s*** douchebag idiot out there, but we want to take his money from him. So we let him THINK he’s right. If he says he’s the f****** king of France, what do you say to him?”

Me: “May I clear those plates, your majesty?”

Manager: “You’re going to do fine.”

(Thus began my cynical career in customer service…)

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The Ten Doctors Versus The Ten Commandments

, | Right | September 25, 2013

(I order my food, and I sit down and start watching an episode of ‘Doctor Who’ on my smartphone with my headphones. Another customer taps me on the shoulder. I turn around to see a girl in her late teens.)

Customer: “Is that Doctor Who?”

Me: “Yeah, are you a fan?!”

Customer: “No! I am asking you to shut it off!”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Because my church says that Doctor Who is evil, and I am asking you to shut it off.”

Me: “Umm, no, I am not turning it off. Besides, I have my headphones in, so you don’t have to watch it.”

Customer: “No, you have to respect my views and turn it off! It’s against my religion; it’s evil! Now turn it off!”

(The customer grabs for my phone. I pull my phone away before she can grab it.)

Me: “Don’t touch my phone!”

Customer:Doctor Who is evil! They are trying to brain-wash our young minds! They want us to support gay marriage and be atheist!”

Me: “Well, if you really did understand Doctor Who, you would have seen that the Tenth Doctor was talking about Christmas, and he said that he was there when Jesus was born. Also the Doctor is very open-minded; he would save you even if you did call him evil.”

Customer:DOCTOR WHO IS EVIL!”

(The customer continues screaming and cussing and eventually gets herself kicked out. Afterwards, one of the restaurant’s workers comes up to me.)

Worker: “Sorry about that.”

Me: “It’s okay!”

Worker: “Best Doctor?”

Me: “Four, duh!”

(We then high five, and I go my way.)

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Washing Himself Of The Situation

| Friendly | February 18, 2014

(I’m a six foot tall black man and am dressed casually, but nothing dirty or torn. I pull up to a gas station to fill up my car and notice that my windshield is somewhat messy. I get a couple of paper towels and the squeegee and begin to clean my windshield. There’s another car parked next to me with a young guy pumping his gas. I’m minding my own business. A girl comes out of the gas station, then starts to wander in my direction.)

Girl: “Hey, you in the hat!”

Me: *glances over at her*

Girl: *in an incredibly condescending tone* “You wanna washa my window for two dolla?”

Me: “Hmm. I have a better proposition. How about I give you $20 to s*** my d***?”

(I notice that the other customer is now paying attention to this girl and me.)

Girl: “I’m not a prostitute! I’m insulted! I’m a—”

Me: “—it doesn’t matter what you are. Just like you’re outraged to be called a prostitute, I’m insulted to be called a $2 window washer. So if you don’t want to be insulted, maybe you shouldn’t insult others, hmm?”

Girl: “It was just a joke!”

Me: “The joke, my dear lady, is you.”

Girl: *storms off*

(The other customer doesn’t say a word. He just walks over to me, holds up his hand for a high-five. I give him one, and then he gets in his car and drives off.)

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I’m Not A Snake Oil Salesman

| Right | February 2, 2016

(I run a small business catching and relocating venomous snakes from people’s yards and public areas. Australia is up top of the list for deadliest snakes in the world. I get a phone call one morning from a very anxious person saying they had a black snake in their yard. From the accent it sounds like they are not local to Australia.)

Me: “Can you see the snake right now?”

Customer: “YES! YES! YES! It’s right beside the kid’s pool. Come get it! Get it now!”

Me: “Okay, sir, slow down a moment and give me your address, and just to advise it’s a $[total] call out fee, even if the snake moves away.”

Customer: “That’s fine! Come get it!”

(I quickly drive to the address, armed with my usual equipment, to meet the petrified client, who rushes me into the backyard and points towards a little wading pool for the kids. I move towards it carefully and to my shock… it’s the customer’s garden hose. He didn’t want to pay but he also didn’t like it when I pulled one of the boxes out of my car with a six-foot Eastern Brown Snake in it and told him I needed a place to relocate this snake to. The cash appeared quickly after that.)

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