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Great stories from our entire backlog!

That Argument Went Straight In And Out

| Right | March 26, 2014

(A customer wants a quote on replacing his radiator. I tell him that the repair time is listed at five hours.)

Customer: “Almost five hours to take out a rad and put another one in? It should be a simple in and out. All you have to do is remove a few hoses, bolts, and lift out the rad.”

Me: ‘If the standard labour rate is listed at just under five hours, it’s not just a simple in and out.’

Customer: “I can’t believe it would take anybody that long. Is there any way to get it done cheaper?”

Me: ‘Sure. How good are you with tools?’

Customer: “I’m not going to try do something like that!”

Me: “Even if it’s just a simple in and out?”

(Pause…)

Customer: “How does next week look?”

A False Senses Of Security

| Working | November 28, 2013

(I am a cashier working. I see two of our security guards making comments and pointing at two customers in line at my till. The guards usually tease people and I just get annoyed. Then I look closely at the customers and see one has scars on their face, so I call the guards over.)

Security Guard #1: “Yeah?”

Me: “Why were you laughing at these ladies?”

Security Guard #2: “Duh! Because they’re d***s?”

Me: “Even if that is true, the word is lesbian, and this young lady is scarred. Please apologize!”

Security Guard #1: “But they’re f****** d***s! They look awful! Two girls together, laughing and kissing. They’re SOOO d***s! They’re disgusting!”

Security Guard #2: *to customers* “Get out of here you weirdos! This is a GOOD store. We don’t want you soiling it!”

(Security Guard #1 pushes the customers’ bag of goods on the floor, stamps on it and even rips a dress they were going to buy. One of the customers looks very upset and begins crying, while the one with scars holds her.)

Me: *to Security Guard #1* “Stop that! I’m telling [Manager] about your homophobia.”

Customer: “Listen, it’s okay.”

(The customer with scars comes up to the security guards, folds their arms and looks straight at them.)

Security Guard #1: “Well, what is it?”

Customer with scars: “I’m a MAN. And that’s my girlfriend. So, no. I’m NOT a ‘d***’, and I’d prefer it if you paid for our stuff.”

(The guards are so shocked, they don’t do anything. I call the manager over. Not only does he make the guards pay for what they did, but he gives the customers a 75% off coupon.)

A Thin Gap Between Thick Customers

, | Right | September 24, 2013

(I notice a customer getting frustrated with his computer while a regular in the booth next to his is struggling valiantly to keep a straight face. Eventually the frustrated customer comes up to the desk.)

Customer: “Your computer ate my skydiving DVD!”

Me: “Are you saying it won’t eject?”

Customer: “No, when I push the button, a tray comes out but it’s empty.”

Me: “The disc drives are all closed units; there’s nowhere it could have gone. I’ll come over and have a look.”

(The disc tray is indeed empty. My regular is staring wide-eyed at his computer monitor while snorting behind his hand. I notice something shining in the gap between the top of the disc tray and the computer case.)

Me: “Sir, did you open the tray before putting your DVD into the computer?”

Customer: “Of course I did! I know how to use a d*** computer!”

(At this my regular is squeezing his eyes shut and going red in the face. I take off the side of the case.)

Me: “Sir, is that your DVD sitting on top of the disc drive?”

Customer: “Yes! Your computers are so cheap and crappy! If it’s damaged my disc, you have to pay for a new one!”

Me: “You must have pushed it into the gap yourself. I’m not buying you a replacement if it’s scratched.”

Customer: “No. I. Didn’t. I told you I’m not a f****** moron. I know how to use a computer!”

(I show the customer that the disc drive is a completely closed unit and not much bigger than a regular CD case.)

Me: “So my computer’s disc drive somehow teleported your DVD outside of itself?”

(At this point my regular completely loses control and laughs so hard I start to wonder if I’m going to need to call an ambulance. The customer snatches at his DVD, missing it and knocking it to the floor while he almost loses his balance and ends up standing on it before storming out. My regular finally manages to calm down enough to breathe properly.)

Regular: “I saw him push it in there. I was waiting for that for 45 d*** minutes.”

Assumptions Are The Devil

| Right | April 17, 2015

(I work in a sandwich shop. I’m working the front counter and taking an order from a couple in their 60s or 70s.)

Customer: “What’s that you’re wearing?” *she points to my the Egyptian ankh I wear as a necklace*

Me: “It’s an ankh. It’s an Egyptian symbol of life.”

(Customer talks quietly to her husband for a moment then turns back to me.)

Customer: “Do you think it gives you special powers?”

Me: “No, I just like the symbol and life.”

(Customer confers with her husband again then asks, deadly serious.)

Customer: “So, do you worship the devil?”

Me: “No. I also don’t insult people just because I don’t understand them.”

Making An Amendment To The Amendment

| Right | September 25, 2014

(A customer has called in to complain about being assessed a paper statement fee, which we recently implemented. I explained to her multiple times how to enroll in online statements in order to waive the fee, which she feels she shouldn’t have to do.)

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to do that. This is my money and it is unconstitutional to charge these fees.”

Me: “Ma’am, these fees are not unconstitutional. We have a team of lawyers who check all of our policies and fees before they are implemented specifically for legality.”

Customer: “I’m telling you. These fees are unconstitutional and violate my Second Amendment rights!”

Me: “Ma’am, you do realize that the Second Amendment allows you the right to bear arms and own a gun, don’t you?”

(Pause…)

Customer: “Well these fees are still unconstitutional. And wrong. I want to speak to a supervisor!”