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An Epidemic Of Stupidity

, | Right | December 16, 2014

(I work for a company that sells emergency preparedness gear, including gas masks, chemical suits, and other disaster response equipment. Any time there’s a disaster or terrorist attack, our sales go through the roof by ‘preppers’ and other panicking individuals. Recently, there’s been an Ebola epidemic with the first cases occurring in the United States; thousands of orders have been coming in and those who ordered entire sets of equipment are backlogged at least a month.)

Customer: “I’m checking on an order. I was charged but haven’t seen any shipping info yet. I placed it 7-10 days ago.”

Me: “And did you order any gas masks or full sets of equipment?”

Customer: “I’m not sure. I ordered a suit. For Halloween.”

Me: *thinking such a small order should have been finished, I pull up his information* “Sir, you didn’t order just a suit, you ordered an entire protective kit… mask, filter, suit, gloves, boots, etc.”

Customer: “That’s it!”

Me: “Sir, there’s a minimum one month delay on protective gear right now due to high order volume.”

Customer: “So, you mean I won’t have it for Halloween?”

Me: “No, sir. There is a panic epidemic going on and you were one of thousands who’ve been ordering these products.”

Customer: “Wow. I had no idea. So there’s no way I’m going to get a protective suit by Halloween?”

Me: “Sir, the entire industry is wiped clean. GLOBALLY. It will take them months to get back up to speed.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, you should really let people know when there’s an epidemic going on, so we know there’ll be delays.”

Spiritual, Not Psychic

, , , | Right | February 5, 2010

Customer: “I would like help finding a book.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the title?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, who is the author?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me the subject, and maybe we can still find it.”

Customer: “It’s for a friend. It’s about spiritual something.”

(I search ‘spiritual’ just to see what happens.)

Me: “Okay, my computer is showing over six thousand results. Is there any way we can narrow the search?”

Customer: “Isn’t that your job?”

Sheep Dogs Aren’t Sheepish

, , | Right | March 21, 2013

(I work in a dog training school. A client comes into my program with a very energetic Border Collie puppy.)

Client: “My puppy is out of control. We live on a farm and needed a dog for our livestock. This is not what I wanted.”

Me: “Okay, what is your puppy doing?”

Client: “Chasing my goats and chickens all over the place!”

Me: “Well this is a Border Collie, and they do herd. If the drive is not properly honed in to a herd, then a Border Collie will just chase.”

Client: “But, I do not want my dog to chase my animals at all.”

Me: “Then do not put your dog in with the animals.”

Client: “But, I need her to protect my animals.”

Me: “This is not what this breed was developed to do. This is an active, working breed that will chase.”

Client: “But, I need her to lie quietly and just watch the animals.”

Me: “It’s not in her breeding. What research did you do into Border Collies before you got one? Every piece of literature on dogs out there will tell you these are active dogs that will chase.”

Client: “Well, I asked some guy at the local feed store what a good dog for working livestock was. He suggested a few breeds. I saw Babe, so I got a Border Collie.”

Me: “Did you tell the feed store guy the type of job you wanted a dog to do?”

Client: “Work livestock.”

Me: “Work it how? Herding or guarding?”

(The client just gives me a blank stare.)

Me: “You have no idea the difference between herding and guarding?”

Client: “I thought they were the same.”

Me: “No. Have you had any farm experience?”

Client: “No, we’re from the city. We thought it would be fun to move to this county and buy a small farm. But, now we have coyotes killing our animals.”

Me: “So, you have no idea what you are doing at all?”

Client: “No. It’s not as easy as it looks on TV huh?”

Me: “No…”

(Luckily, they did learn more about Border Collies. They got into a suitable sport after doing basic work with me, and I guided them to people who could help them get a proper livestock guarding dog.)


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This Family Business Is A Joke

, | Right | July 2, 2014

(I work at a well known shoe store. We wear tags bearing the name of the store, but not our names. A customer comes in and looks at my tag.)

Customer: “So… your name’s Rockport?”

Me: “Yep, it’s a family name. My dad started the business, and he wants me to learn it from the ground up.”

Customer: “Really? That’s so admirable!”

(I gesture to a few coworkers wearing the same name tag.)

Me: “Yup, all the Rockport kids learn the business this way.”

Customer: “All of you? Wow!”

(I can’t quite believe she hasn’t caught on by this point, so I take pity.)

Me: “What can I help you find…?”

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Slushed

| Right | August 18, 2016

(I’ve had a bad day and I’m stopping by this sweet shop for a pick-me-up. Shortly after I arrive, a lady arrives with five children, paying a lot more attention to her phone than them. As I’m waiting in queue, she chooses to push in.)

Me: “Err, excuse me?”

Lady: “Can’t you see I’ve got all these kids!?”

Child #1: “Mum, can we get a slushie, too?”

Child #2: “Yeah, slushie!”

Lady: *snaps* “No, you got your sweets. Now be quiet!” *returns to phone*

(When I get to the till, the lady hangs around on her phone while the children compare sweets. I decide to add something to my purchase.)

Me: “Could I have a large strawberry slushie, too?”

All Five Children: “Mum! Mum! She gets a slushie and sweets! Why can’t we? Mum! Mum! Mum!”

Lady: *look of terror at the children, and hate at me*