(I work at a sporting goods store. I go and check the changing rooms when I notice a smartphone sitting on the bench. I pick up the phone, figuring someone had set it down and forgotten it, and take it into the manager’s office. Ten minutes later, a customer comes up to me whilst I’m at the till.)

Customer: “I left my phone in the changing room just now and I went back in and it’s gone. Have you seen anyone walk out with it?”

(I know straight away the phone he’s on about, but need to play dumb so that he can identify it before I hand it to him.)

Me: “I’ll check with the manager and see if it’s been left with us, sir. Would you be able to describe it to me so I know what to look for?”

Customer: “It’s a white [Smartphone] and it’s in a green case. If you press the menu button the lock screen shows a Star Wars background.”

(I go back into the office and pick up the phone, checking the background and sure enough, it’s a Star Wars one. I take it back out to the customer who snatches it from my hand.)

Customer: “So you were planning on stealing it, then?”

Me: *taken aback* “Steal it? No, sir, I found it in the changing room earlier and no-one was in the immediate area. I took it to the manager’s office to make sure no-one else picked it up and took it.”

Customer: “I saw you go in there just after I came out and put it in your pocket. You were going to steal it and sell it, weren’t you?”

Me: “Actually, sir, I’m quite offended by that. I would never consider stealing another’s property. I put it in my pocket so no-one else would try to collar me for it and claim it as theirs on my way to the office.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. I’d like to speak to your manager, please.”

(I phone the manager who saw the whole thing on the office CCTV. She comes out to the till area.)

Customer: “I think you need to reconsider who you hire to work in your store. This boy here just tried to steal my phone from the changing rooms. Lord knows what else he’s stolen from under your nose whilst he’s been here.”

Manager: “Actually, sir, I saw the whole thing on the CCTV monitor I have in my office. He was routinely checking the changing rooms when he noticed your phone, unguarded, on the bench, and bought it straight to me to ensure no-one else would have the opportunity to take it instead. I also saw you leave the changing room a good ten minutes beforehand; you’re lucky the phone wasn’t taken by someone else in that time.”

(The customer turns to me one last time before he leaves.)

Customer: “If I find so much as ONE SCRATCH on this phone, you’re paying to have it repaired.”

(The customer storms off and out of the store.)

Manager: “I love the gratitude we get in retail when we help people who forget their stuff and make sure it isn’t stolen. You’re due your break anyway. Go and kick a bin or something whilst you’re at it.”

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like an oompa loompa.”

Me: “Oompa loompa?”

Customer: “Yes, one of those caramel apple oompa loompas!”

Me: “Do you mean an empanada?”

Customer: “That’s exactly what I said.”

(I am working in a call center providing customer care support for a major wireless provider.)

Me: “Thank you for being the best part of [Company]. My name is [Name]. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with this evening?”

Caller: “[Caller’s Name].”

Me: “Alright, and I see that you’ve already verified through our automated system. Thank you very much for that. And what can I help you with tonight?”

Caller: “I want to know how to block calls.”

Me: “Alright, I can certainly help you out with that. I see here that you’re using an iPhone 4s; iOS 7 has the—

Caller: “No, I just want to block calls. I keep getting texts from someone who apparently knew whoever had this number before me, and they won’t stop. I just want to block the messages.”

Me: “I understand that, sir, and I was just trying to go over all your options for doing so. As I was saying, iOS 7 has the built-in ability to block calls. Alternatively, our block-call feature has the ability to block calls. That normally costs $4.99 a month, but there is a 90 day free trial for that.”

Caller: “You mean you charge me nine-f********-ninety-nine to f****** block calls?!?”

Me: “Well, sir, that was $4.99, but yes, that is a feature we do charge for.”

Caller: “Is there a supervisor I can speak to?”

Me: “I can certainly get you our next level of support, but I’ll need to place you on a brief hold while I get them on the line.”

Caller: “You do that.”

(Before I can place him on hold, he decides to make a comment to someone in the background, without moving the phone away.)

Caller: “Stupid f****** hick must be real happy with his f****** call center job.”

(I decide to respond in the most polite tone I can muster.)

Me: “Well, sir, I wouldn’t say I enjoy it, but it does pay the bills. Let me put you on that hold, now, so I can get you our next level support.”

(The caller hung up before I could get a manager on the line, and he didn’t answer when the manager tried to call him back. I can’t imagine why…)

Customer: “I need to know where the motor oil is.”

(I tell her, but she comes back to the counter with a bottle of transmission fluid.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not oil. It’s transmission fluid.”

Customer: “What do you know about it? You’re a girl. Just ring me up.”

(I ring her up. She pays and goes outside, pops the hood of her car, and gets on the phone. Two minutes later, she’s back.)

Customer: “I needed oil. You sold me the wrong thing. I need to exchange this.”

Me: “Okay. Do you need some help? It’s slow. I can do this for you.”

Customer: “What, do you think you know about cars? I’m on the phone with my husband and he knows more about it than you do. Just do the d*** exchange so I can get some oil.”

(I do the exchange. She comes back up with oil.)

Me: “Ma’am, that’s 50 weight. You don’t want that, you want 40 weight.”

Customer: “This is what my husband said to get.”

Me: “Oookay. Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to help?”

Customer: “No. You’re a girl and you don’t know what you’re talking about. My husband works for [Company] and he knows way more about it than some clerk!”

Me: “Well, maybe he does, Ma’am, but he’s not here.”

Customer: “Just ring me up.”

Me: “Okay, if you’re sure you don’t need help.”

Customer: “I don’t need your help.”

Me: “Yes, Ma’am. You have a nice day, now.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(I watch through the front window as she went back to her SUV and smugly poured her oil… into her radiator. I wonder what her husband said when her engine blew up halfway across the causeway.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like two tickets for [show].”

Me: “Actually, it is [other ticket office] selling the shows in that venue.”

Customer: “So, do you have their phone number?”

Me: “Sure thing, it’s ###-###-1111.”

Customer: “Liar! You’re giving me a fake number because you don’t want me to buy tickets from your competitors!”

Me: “No, ma’am. I assure you, that really is their phone number. They don’t sell the same shows as we do, so we don’t mind if you do business with them. I give that number out many times a day.”

Customer: “That’s impossible! My phone’s dial pad stops at 9! So how can a phone number end with 11-11? You’re lying to me!”