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Shaping Up To Be An Awful Night

| Right | January 5, 2015

(I work in a fancy little restaurant dealing with snooty stuck-up rich people.)

Customer: “Yes, I’d like the [Restaurant Name] salad, and I want the avocado slices on the left side of the salad.”

Me: “All right, we’ll put the order in and have your salads up in a few minutes.”

(Roughly 10 minutes go by. I grab the food from the kitchen.)

Me: “Here are your salads.”

Customer: “What the h***l is this! I SAID I WANTED THE AVOCADO ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SALAD!”

(I notice that I served him his salad with the avocado on the right.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, just let me rectify this.”

(I proceed to spin his salad around for him so now the avocado is on his left.)

Customer: “WELL, NOW ALL I HAVE IS A BACKWARDS SALAD! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER! I’M GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU GET FIRED BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE THE MOST INCOMPETENT WAITER THERE IS THAT YOU CAN’T LISTEN TO SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS AND KNOW YOUR LEFT AND RIGHT!”

(I walk to my manager, quickly explain the issue, and he walks over to the customer.)

Customer: “Your employee here is an absolute disgrace! I can’t imagine why [Restaurant Owner] hired them. They don’t even know their left from right! I demand reconciliation and the cost of the rest of my meal be compensated for this vast incompetence.”

Manager: “Well, sir, I’d like to explain a simple fact. We are not going to be comping your meal; your argument and complaint are absolutely ridiculous. The salad is on a circular plate, there are no sides to a salad. It cannot be backwards. I apologize for your problem with shapes and hope you have a wonderful night.”

Me: “So, what would you like to order for entrees, or would you just like the bill?”


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His Logic Doesn’t Check Out

| Right | February 11, 2015

(I am working at the registers along with a head cashier shortly before closing. One of our regulars, a very old man, shuffles up to my register. I’m a little surprised, as he usually only talks to Manager, sometimes waiting for hours until Manager starts his shift.)

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to buy this book.”

Me: “Certainly! That will be [total].”

(Customer pulls out a very old leather case with about 100 sheets of perforated checks. He slowly flips to the correct page, slowly starts to fill out a check, and then drops the whole case on the floor, scattering pages everywhere. I help him pick up.)

Customer: “Oh, no, these need to be in order! Help me put them in order!”

Me: “Sir, perhaps we should finish the transaction. Then you can put these back in order later.”

Customer: *getting angry* “That is RIDICULOUS! How am I supposed to know which check to fill out?!”

Me: “It’s the one you’ve already started filling out?”

Customer: *muttering* “This is ridiculous. You people are SO unhelpful. I don’t even know why I shop here!”

Head Cashier: *whispers to me* “Just do it, or we’ll never get out of here.”

Me: “All right, sir, let’s get these back in order.”

(Customer insists he put them back in order, very very slowly, while I hold the case. Nothing else will do. 20 minutes later, the check is finally filled out and we can continue with the transaction.)

Me: “And can I see your driver’s license?”

Customer: “My WHAT?!”

Me: “Driver’s license, passport, or other state ID?”

Customer: *getting hysterical* “What?! WHY?!”

Head Cashier: *jumping in* “Sir, you’ve shopped here for years. You always pay by check. You KNOW you have to show us your license.”

Customer: “THAT’S IT! I’m getting the manager!”

(The customer storms off, and comes back with the manager.)

Manager: “So, what seems to be the problem?”

Me: “He’s paying by check.”

Manager: “Okay, can I see your license, sir?”

Customer: “Sure, here you go!”

(Customer handed over his license, the manager finished the transaction in about 30 seconds, and we ushered the man out and closed the store.)

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Enough To Make You Almost Pop Your Corn

| Right | June 15, 2015

(I work at a movie theater. We are offering a special promotional coupon where customers can buy a large popcorn and drink combo, and get a second large drink for free. I am approached by an elderly couple.)

Husband: *handing me a coupon for the promotional deal* “I want two!”

Me: “All right, sir. Just to double-check, did you mean you wanted two combos, or the single combo with two drinks?”

Husband: *scoffs* “Do I stutter, kid? We want two of these combos!”

Me: “…Okay. What would you like for your four drinks?”

Wife: “Four drinks?! We only want one, you idiot!”

Me: “I apologize; I thought you wanted two of the combos.”

Husband: “We do!”

Me: “Two combos would mean you’d end up with four drinks… Each combo comes with one large popcorn and two large drinks.”

Wife: “But we only want one!”

Me: “Okay.”

Husband: “Yeah… two combos!”

Me: “I’m really not understanding… How many combos do you want?”

Husband: “Two combos!”

Me: “So, what would you like for the four drinks that come with the two combos?”

Wife: “Where are you getting four drinks from?! Just the two combos! What are you, dense?!”

Husband: “Stop wasting my time, you stupid idiot!”

Wife: “We want one!”

Me: “…So, you just want the one combo with the two drinks?”

Husband: “TWO COMBOS!”

Wife: “With the one!”

Husband: “Exactly, two combos!”

Me: *by this point, I’m just assuming they mean they want one combo with two drinks* “Okay… what would you like to drink?”

Wife: “I want one Coke!”

Me: “And what else?”

(Neither one answer for almost a full 30 seconds.)

Me: “Sir, what other soda would you like?”

(Neither answers for another 10 seconds.)

Husband: *suddenly* “Why aren’t you getting our two combos?!”

Me: “Sir, I need to know what else you’d like to drink.”

Husband: “MY WIFE WANTS COKE!”

Me: “Okay.”

(I get a large popcorn and large coke and bring them to the couple.)

Husband: “Where’s our second soda combo?!”

Me: “Sir, you only told me one drink.”

Husband: “But we got two combos!”

Me: “SIR. I. Need. To. Know. What. You. Want. Before. I. Can. Get. It. For. You. You only told me one soda.”

Husband: “Two f****** combos!”

(This back and forth continues for another 30 seconds, before I just decide to get them another large Coke to get it over with.)

Me: “That will be $14.”

Husband: “Is this two combos?”

Me: *lying to get the transaction done* “…Sure.”

Husband: “Fine. Took you long enough. Now, where’s our free soda?”

Me: “It’s right here, sir. I just gave it to you.”

Husband: “Oh.”

Me: “So, that’ll be $14.”

Husband: “But this is supposed to be special coupon! Why does it cost so much?”

Me: “Our popcorn and soda combo is $14. We gave you the second soda for free, as per the coupon. Without the coupon, the order would’ve been $19.”

Husband: “…Well, that’s too much. This only should cost me a few dollars!”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you, sir. We need to have prices that high for the theater to make any money. We don’t get to keep much, if any, of ticket sales.”

Husband: *throws his credit card at me* “Fine!”

(I complete the transaction and they finally leave. Immediately after, a 20-something approaches me.)

New Customer: “…You know, I looked up how much it costs theaters to make popcorn. Popcorn should really only cost customers—”

Me: *interrupting* “Trust me… Today is NOT the day to complain to me about prices. Did you see that exchange that just happened with the couple who was just here?”

New Customer: “Yeah?”

Me: “That’s unfortunately not the first time something that prolonged and stupid that has happened to me today… not even the first time this hour. In fact, not even the first time in the past 10 minutes.”

New Customer: “…Oh.”

Me: “So if you’re only here to complain and not to buy something… please leave my line.”

(He left after seeing just how serious I was.)

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Ah, Mothers, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | April 27, 2009

(I overhear the following conversation as I’m stocking crafts; it’s a forty-something mother and her teenage daughter.)

Mother: “… okay, we need beads.”

Daughter: “Just make it fast.”

Mother: “Don’t take that attitude with me.”

Daughter: “I don’t know why I go anywhere with you!”

Mother: “Oh, look! Gift boxes! With Rudolph on them!”

Daughter: “Mom, be quiet. Just shut up… please.”

Mother: “Look! Rudolph! You see Rudolph?”

Daughter: “Mom, shut up! Can we leave?”

Mother: “It’s just so god-d*** a** f***ing cute!”

Daughter: *rolls her eyes and stomps off*

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Driving Down Route 66(6)

, , , , , , , | Right | January 28, 2014

(It is late evening, a few days before Halloween. My coworker at the register has been dealing with an irate woman for several minutes. She is ranting about the cheap decorations hanging on our door. As a result, a line is forming behind her.)

Customer: “I’ll never shop here again! Everything in here is cursed! You’ll be attracting the demon spawns of the devil!”

(I come up to the second register to deal with the line forming behind the customer. Most of the other customers shift over to me, but one younger woman is watching the first customer rant. Suddenly, the younger woman turns and runs out of the store. And a second later, she comes back in wearing the most amazing, and yet disgusting, full head mask I’ve ever seen. It looks like a rotting deer, complete with antlers, shaggy fur, and wide, dead, white eyes. The younger woman walks up to the ranting customer and clears her throat loudly.)

Younger Woman: *to my coworker* “Dude, I need $20 on pump four for my ‘Hell-mobile.'” *turns to the first customer* “And what’s your problem with us demons, anyway? Even the devil needs a place to buy gas and beer.”

(The first customer turns and stares at the younger woman for a long moment. Then the first customer actually screams and runs out of the store, leaving all of her items behind.)

Younger Woman: “I hope that lady wasn’t buying gas. I don’t think she’s coming back.”


This story is part of our Devilish Halloween roundup!

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