The Refund Is Complimentary

| Right | May 7, 2015

Customer: “I don’t like my free gift; it looks cheap. I want to return it.”

Customer Service Representative: “I am sorry to hear that. However, it was a complimentary gift. It was included free of charge.”

Customer: “It’s just ugly! It is a piece of crap. I don’t want it. I want a refund.”

Customer Service Representative: “If you wish to return it you will have to ship it back at your own expense. As I said, it was complimentary. BUT, I guess if you want to continue insulting it, it will negate the compliment. Be as rude to it as possible. Problem solved. Consider yourself refunded. Have a nice day!”

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Their Answers Are Getting Colder

| Learning | September 12, 2013

(I am in the 4th grade. My science teacher likes to split us up into teams on occasion and have us play a trivia-style game. We like it because the winning team gets candy at the end.)

Teacher: “All right [my team], here’s your question: Which sort of star burns hotter, a red star, or a blue star?”

Teammate #1: “That’s easy! It must be the red star!”

(The rest of my team agrees, but I speak up.)

Me: “No, no! Wait! It’s the blue star!”

Teammate #1: “Don’t be stupid! Blue means cold!”

Me: “Well, there’s no such thing as a COLD star. And besides, I read my dad’s Scientific American magazines a lot, and—”

Teammate #2: “Show off!”

Me: “I’m not showing off! I’m just saying; I’ve read this stuff before and—”

Teammate #3: “Oh shut up! Girls don’t know anything about science!”

Me: “Come on, think about it. On a candle flame, at the very bottom where it’s hottest, it burns blue!”

Teammate #1: “You’re stupid! Fire is red!” *to teacher* “It’s the red star!”

Teacher: “I’m sorry; that’s incorrect. It’s the blue one.”

Me: “I told you!”

Teammates: “Well, why didn’t you stop us!?”

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Jurassic Farce

, , , | Right | April 15, 2009

Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

(I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

Customer: “OH, NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)

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Some Backs Had Best Stay In The Back

| Working | September 11, 2012

(I’m the supervisor at a bar. It’s a somewhat quiet night, so I’ve been chatting with a pretty female customer. When I slip into the back room to get more ice, I run into my barback, who tells me how he wants to bend the customer over the bar and show her what a real man is. It’s clear that the female customer has heard the barback’s lewd comments, so I tell him to apologize to her.)

Barback: “Hey, my supervisor says I have to apologize, so I’m sorry you overheard me.”

Female Customer: “That is probably the most worthless apology I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Barback: “I ain’t gonna apologize for saying it.”

Female Customer: “Then allow me to be blunt. You will keep your hands to yourself, or I will break your fingers.”

Barback: “You can’t say that to me!”

Female Customer: “Actually, I can. Because you having your fingers broken is contingent on you violating my right to not be touched by you if I don’t want to.”

(At this point, another customer who is sitting next to the female customer joins the conversation.)

Other Customer: “She’s right, you know.”

Barback: “Oh, and all of the sudden you just know stuff?”

(The other customer flashes a detective’s badge.)

Other Customer: “Yup. Just like that.”

Barback: *to the female customer* “You stupid Irish b****! All y’all are sneaky little c***s trying to get us good American men in trouble!”

Female Customer: “You think the Irish are out to get you?”

Barback: “No! Women!”

Female Customer: “You’re single, aren’t you?”

(The barback thankfully got fired the next day, and the female customer and the detective are now my favorite customers; they come in together all the time!)

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Reinvent The Simple Comment

| Working | January 29, 2014

(A few weeks earlier I refilled a propane tank at a branch of a huge, multi-national oil/gas corporation. The clerk was a pleasant older gentleman whose demeanor totally cheered me up. I thought I would put in a good word so I asked for a comment form. I filled it out and mailed it. I get a phone call.)

Representative: “Hi. I’m [Name] with [Oil Company].”

Me: “Hi. Anything I can do for you?”

Representative: “We’re just trying to figure out your complaint.”

Me: “What complaint?”

Representative: “You sent us a complaint.”

Me: “I sent a comment card. The clerk that day was very nice and helpful.”

Representative: “…”

Me: “It wasn’t a complaint.”

Representative: “I’m not sure how to file this.”

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