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‘C’ Right Through Modern Art

| Learning | January 28, 2014

(My art design course has a projects involving three-dimensional sculptural creations. For the first project the concept is a mirror. I admit that I didn’t fully understand the project guidelines and submitted something mostly illustrated.)

Teacher: “You didn’t really construct anything with this piece. It is really just an illustration. I’m going to give you a ‘C.’ Be sure that the next project involves constructing 3-D elements.”

Me: “You’re right. My mistake. I’ll be sure to do so.”

(The second project concept is a chair. I purchase a wooden stool and spend many hours burning it along the legs and rungs, which is very difficult due to a fire-resistant coating. I then place candles on top, light them, and hang pieces of paper from the partially burned rungs with phrases written on them.)

Me: “This chair is a concept piece where I experimented with the idea of a scarred person resting on a chair, since chairs are typically places associated with resting. The written paper represents thoughts and feelings one might feel while resting, but note that they are not all pleasant, hence the damage to the chair.”

Teacher: “Why the candles?”

Me: “The candles represent life and add an element of time passing as the candles burn down, even suggesting that they might set the chair on fire even further.”

Teacher: “Well, this is interesting, but it looks like you didn’t spend a lot of time on it. I’m going to give you a ‘C.'”

Me: “It actually took a lot of time to burn through the coating…”

Teacher: “Yes, but it really doesn’t look finished.”

Me: “…”

(The third project concept is a book. By now I am convinced that no matter what I do, bad or good, I will get a ‘C.’ I test this out by submitting a stack of old dot-matrix printer paper nailed together on one end, opened halfway with a broken 3.5″ floppy disk taped on the page, centered. On the outside I spatter hot sauce. It takes about 10 minutes to do.)

Me: “This is my book concept. The paper and the disk represent how our society has begun abandoning paper books and all things printed in lieu of digital technology.”

Teacher: “Hmm… Well, yes. What about the hot sauce?”

Me: *making it up on the spot* “The hot sauce represents the anger that older generations feel for the apparent loss of this traditional form of media.”

Teacher: “Well… I think this deserves a ‘C.'”

(All respect I ever had for that art department fell through the floor. I switched majors soon after that.)

Flattery, The Best Medicine

, , , , | Healthy Right | August 26, 2008

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

Patient: “But it worked last time!”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

Patient: “Never ever?”

Coworker: “Never ever again…”

Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

Coworker: “Gladly.”


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Go From Feeling Low To Feeling J-Lo

| Right | October 17, 2014

(I am checking out a customer and her young son.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

(Meanwhile her little boy is staring at me open mouthed. I figure it’s because I’m a little shorter, not as skinny as his mom, and have thick poofy hair that looks like it belongs to a witch. But I smile at him.)

Me: “Hi!”

Little Boy: *in awe* “Mommy! She’s pretty like Jennifer Lopez!”

Me: *stares back in shock as my heart melts* “Aww! Compliment lying already! You’re going to make your girlfriend very happy when you get older!”

You Lose At Winning

, | Right | February 10, 2016

(With the huge lottery jackpot, we’ve gotten quite a few customers in who are unfamiliar with how lottery works. I’m naturally sarcastic and with the hoards of customers, I’m getting a little snarky.)

Customer: “I’ll have a lottery ticket!”

Me: “Sorry, we just sold out.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “No, just kidding.” *sells lottery ticket, proceeds to the next customer* “What can I get for you?”

Customer #2: “The winning lottery numbers!”

Me: “Okay…” *touches a couple buttons, then hands the print out to the customer*

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “The winning lottery numbers.”

Customer #2: “But these were for the last drawing!”

Me: “You weren’t specific.”

In One Ear And Drive-Thru The Other

| Right | June 13, 2016

(I work at a busy fast food restaurant with a double drive-thru.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I just got here! Will you give a minute?!”

Me: “Sure, just let me know when you’re ready.”

(A few minutes pass without another word, and the drive-thru line is getting quite backed up and the other lane hasn’t been answered either.)

Me: “Are you ready to order yet? If not would you mind if I take the other car’s order?”

Customer: “No, fine, I’m ready. I want a [Sandwich].”

Me: “Okay, just the burger, then?”

Customer: “OH, MY GOD, I’m not done yet! You’re asking me too many questions!”

Me: Okay, go ahead…”

(A minute of silence passes.)

Me: “Was there anything else?”

Customer: “I told you, I want a [Sandwich].”

Me: “Yes, I got that.”

Customer: “But that’s not all I wanted!!!”

Me: “What else did you want?”

Customer: “I just told you. I want the [Sandwich].”

(At this point all of my coworkers possessing a headset as well are laughing as they go about their business and my manager is face-palming.)

Me: “Did you want the combo meal?”

Customer: “What don’t you understand about I want a [Sandwich]?”

Me: “The sandwich is just the sandwich. The [combo number] includes fries and a drink.”

Customer: “Oh… well, I want that, then!”

Me: “Ok, what size would you like that?”

Customer: “For the burger? How do you have different sizes of burgers…?”

Me: “It’s for the fries and the drink… small, medium, or large?”

(Another long pause.)

Customer: “Uh…”

(This “uh” seriously trailed out for a good 20 seconds.)

Customer: “Medium….”

Me: “Okay, what to drink?”

Customer: “Tea.”

Me: “Sweet tea, or unsweet?”

Customer: “Yes!”

(I hear at least three coworkers audibly cackle throughout the store.)

Me: “Okay, it will be [total] at the window.”

(After about seven minutes total of waiting for this customer to order one meal I finally get to answer the other lane.)

Me: “Sorry about that wait. What can I get for you?”

Customer #3: *laughing wildly* “People that stupid shouldn’t be allowed to use a drive-thru.”