Some Backs Had Best Stay In The Back

| Working | September 11, 2012

(I’m the supervisor at a bar. It’s a somewhat quiet night, so I’ve been chatting with a pretty female customer. When I slip into the back room to get more ice, I run into my barback, who tells me how he wants to bend the customer over the bar and show her what a real man is. It’s clear that the female customer has heard the barback’s lewd comments, so I tell him to apologize to her.)

Barback: “Hey, my supervisor says I have to apologize, so I’m sorry you overheard me.”

Female Customer: “That is probably the most worthless apology I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Barback: “I ain’t gonna apologize for saying it.”

Female Customer: “Then allow me to be blunt. You will keep your hands to yourself, or I will break your fingers.”

Barback: “You can’t say that to me!”

Female Customer: “Actually, I can. Because you having your fingers broken is contingent on you violating my right to not be touched by you if I don’t want to.”

(At this point, another customer who is sitting next to the female customer joins the conversation.)

Other Customer: “She’s right, you know.”

Barback: “Oh, and all of the sudden you just know stuff?”

(The other customer flashes a detective’s badge.)

Other Customer: “Yup. Just like that.”

Barback: *to the female customer* “You stupid Irish b****! All y’all are sneaky little c***s trying to get us good American men in trouble!”

Female Customer: “You think the Irish are out to get you?”

Barback: “No! Women!”

Female Customer: “You’re single, aren’t you?”

(The barback thankfully got fired the next day, and the female customer and the detective are now my favorite customers; they come in together all the time!)

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Short-Hand, Long Marriage

| Romantic | August 6, 2013

(My parents have been married about 25 years. My mother is reading the paper in the living room and my father wanders in.)

Dad: “Where’s my thingamajig?”

Mum: *doesn’t even look up* “On top of the hoosiwhatsis.”

(Dad walks into the next room, straight to the piano, and picks up his shaving kit bag.)

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Taxing Faxing, Part 4

, , , , , | Right | February 28, 2010

Customer: “Yeah, hi, I just called earlier to have a report faxed. It hasn’t come through yet.”

Me: “I already sent that out to you, but I can send another copy if you’d like.”

Customer: “Hmm. You think it could be my end?”

Me: “Let’s check the basics. Have you received faxes earlier? Is it plugged in?”

Customer: “Oh, here’s the problem! The paper isn’t loaded!”

Me: “Okay! Fill it up and I’ll send it again.”

Customer: “Um, I don’t seem to have any paper here. Could you fax me some paper so I could load it with it before you fax the report?”

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Clocked Off For Good

| Working | November 25, 2014

(I manage the college campus coffee shop. One day, I notice one of the student workers going into the back room, where the time clock is located. She leaves moments later. Since she isn’t due to work that morning, I am curious, and I look at her time card. She has clocked in and left. I look back at past weeks, and determine that she had been clocking a few hours prior to most of her shifts for almost a month. I pull her time card, and leave a note for her to come see me.)

Employee: “Hey, what’s up? I couldn’t find my time card, and your note didn’t say.”

Me: “You clocked in a few hours ago, and then left.”

Employee: “…and?”

Me: “You falsified your record of hours worked, which constitutes fraud and theft. Since this has been going on for a month, the amount you’ve stolen is enough to count as a felony.”

Employee: “Oh. So… is that a problem? I was short on money, and thought I’d get some extra hours.”

Me: “Extra hours that you didn’t work?”

Employee: “Yeah!”

Me: “And you don’t see why that’s a problem?”

Employee: “No, why?”

Me: “Then you’re REALLY not going to expect what’s coming next.”

(Since I’m a big softy, I just fired her, and didn’t bring the police into it.)

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An Apt Aptitude

| Working | January 24, 2014

(My coworker pulls a product for a customer. One item falls and I catch it.)

Me: “AH HA! I have the reflexes of a cat!”

Coworker: “What fell off the shelf?”

(I looked down and saw that I’d caught a mouse.)

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