Great stories from our entire backlog!
(Telephone technical support for a printer manufacturer.)
Customer: “First of all, I’m a Mac tech, so I know what the h*** I’m doing; let’s get that straight right away!”
Me: “Okay.”
(It turned out he needed to reinstall some fonts, so we got the installer started.)
Customer: “It says, ‘Insert Disk One.’ What should I do?”
Me: “Um, insert disk one…”
Me: “Hello there, how may I help you?”
Customer: “I would like a refund on this item, please.”
Me: “Okay, no problem, sir.”
(I start filling out a refund sheet.)
Customer: “Oh! I see that you’re left-handed!”
Me: “Yep!”
Customer: “I pity you…”
Me: “Um… and why should I be pitied, exactly?”
Customer: “How long did your parents live?”
Me: “Er… both of my parents are very much alive, sir.”
Customer: “Oh? What about your grandparents?”
Me: “I saw them a few days ago. They’re alive too, and in great health.”
Customer: “How old are they?”
Me: *telling him their ages* “They’re in great shape.”
Customer: “Then you will die at the age of 70!”
Me: “Here’s your refund, sir…”
Customer: “I wish it weren’t so… good luck to you.”
Me: “Okay…”
(I am tutoring a group of fourth and fifth graders. I’m female.)
Me: “Okay, guys. Just to let you know, I will not be here on Friday. I am taking the day off.”
Student #1: “What? You’d rather be somewhere else than here with us?”
Me: “Well, if you must know… it’s my anniversary on Friday.”
(The students of course loudly react. After shushing them, I explain a bit further, trying to be vague so I can have privacy.)
Me: “I’m not married. But it is the second anniversary of our first date.”
Student #2: “Does he live with you?”
Me: *finally deciding to bite the bullet* “No, she does not live with me.”
Student #3: “You have a girlfriend?”
Me: “Yes. I do. And we’re not going to talk about it anymore because it’s not important.”
(We go on with the activity for awhile.)
Student #4: “So…”
Me: “Yes, [Student #4]?”
Student #4: “Is your girlfriend a boy or a girl?”
Customer: “I’d like to order two large chocolate thickshakes, but I don’t want them to be too thick.”
Me: “Well, would you like milkshakes then?”
Customer: “No, I want thickshakes. Just don’t make them too thick.”
Me: “Well, milkshakes are less thick versions of–”
Customer: *explodes* “NO! I WANT THICKSHAKES!”
(I am a cashier at a costume store. A young boy and his mother come up to pay. The mother is busy texting. The boy has a police officer costume in his hand.)
Boy: “Mommy, now I can really play sodomy!”
Mom: *not paying attention* “That’s nice, sweetie.”
Me: *confused* “Playing sodomy?”
Boy: “Sodomy, like when you pretend to be the police.”
