(This call takes place during pre-Internet times, back when I was a student working a holiday job at a call center for a national telecom operator. My job was to look up international phone and fax numbers for our customers.)

Me: “International inquiries, how can I help you?”

Elderly Male Caller: “Hello? I need the number of The King of Morocco’s direct line.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that type of information would be classified. I can give you the number of our embassy in Morocco if you like. Maybe someone over there can further assist you? ”

Elderly Male Caller: “No, no, that won’t do. Your colleague already told me to dial [embassy’s number], but that’s no good. I want the direct line of The King. He lives in Casablanca.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m afraid we cannot help you.”

Elderly Male Caller: “Are you quite sure? It’s The King I’m looking for, he lives in Casablanca, which is in Morocco, and I’m quite sure there is only one of them in the whole country. Surely you can look up his number?”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t, sir, as I’ve explained before—”

Elderly Male Caller: *sadly* “I used to have his number, you know, but I’ve lost the notebook it was in. Oh well, I’ll just have to wait for him to call me then. Goodbye…”

(The caller hangs up. However, over the next hour, several of my coworkers get the same call, with the elderly man sounding more desperate, and repeating over and over he needs to speak to The King in Casablanca. Eventually, I get him on my line again.)

Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry, but there’s nothing more me or my colleagues can do for you. The King’s direct number is private. We simply cannot access that kind of information.”

Elderly Male Caller: “But it’s his 68th birthday! I ALWAYS call him on his birthday! Ever since he moved to Casablanca, over 25 years ago! My brother, The King!”

(At this point, it finally dawned on me that “The King” he was trying to call was simply the elderly caller’s brother, Mr. De Koning (“The King”, literally), who had indeed moved to Casablanca, and who indeed turned out to be the only “De Koning”/”The King” in the Casablanca telephone directory. When I finally gave our customer the number of “The King” of Casablanca, he was extremely grateful!)

(I am handing back test papers.)

Student: “Why did you give me zero?”

Me: “There were multiple versions of the test. You had the right answers to one of the other versions.”

Student: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “The answers to version A and the answers too version B were not the same.”

Student: “I still don’t get it.”

Me: “Is it possible that you might have looked at someone else’s paper during the test?”

Student: “Well, yeah!”

Me: “They didn’t have the same test as you.”

Student: “So I failed?”

Me: “Yes.”

Student: “But I’ve never failed before.”

Me: “Now you have.”

Customer: “What time do you guys close?”

Me: “Nine.”

Customer: “… o’clock?”

Me: “No… feet. Nine feet.”

Related:
Ask A Stupid Question…, Part 3
Ask A Stupid Question…, Part 2
Ask A Stupid Question…

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(I am a cashier at a department store. It is 4:00 pm, and I am midway through my eight-hour shift. We are very busy, though we have more than enough staff on hand. I approach my supervisor for my lunch break.)

Me: “May I take my lunch now?”

Supervisor: “Sorry, but we are very busy right now. You’re going to have to wait.”

(This pattern repeats every 30 minutes for the next two and a half hours. When I approach her again at 6:30, this happens.)

Me: “Now can I take my break?”

Supervisor: “No. You’re not getting a lunch at all.”

Me: “Excuse me?

Supervisor: “Do I need to repeat myself? You are not getting your lunch today!”

Me: “That’s illegal! The company can get in a lot of trouble for that!”

Supervisor: “Really? Wait here.”

(Soon after my supervisor leaves, she returns with my manager in tow, who brings me to the office.)

Manager: “Is there a reason why you were not taking your break?”

Me: “[Supervisor] wouldn’t let me! She eventually told me I wasn’t allowed to take it at all!”

Manager: “I see.”

(She hands me a clipboard. I immediately realize I’m being written up!)

Manager: “You’re not a good liar, you know. I heard everything from [Supervisor]. I would normally have you fired for this, [My Name], but I’m feeling generous today. But going forward, this cannot happen again, or you will be fired.”

Me: *signing the form* “I should not have been written up for this. I’m going to take this up with [Owner].”

Manager: “You do that, and I will fire you. I dare you.”

(Unafraid of my manager, I followed through and reported the incident to the owner, who was horrified when he heard of it. He fired my supervisor for intentionally breaking state laws and lying to him about it, corroborating his statement with a customer complaint about her cursing me out. The manager was also suspended for two weeks without pay for not investigating enough, and eventually demoted when the owner discovered that my write-up wasn’t the only bogus one she had submitted. For all my trouble, I got three days paid leave and a promotion!)

(A customer is claiming fraud on his CC for two charges from an adult escort service. He has his card, but I show the charges with the card present. He lives in California, and the charges are from Colorado. I call the merchant and can prove this isn’t fraud. The customer is trying to get out of paying his bill. There’s a charge from a Colorado towing service, then the escort charges.)

Me: “Thank you for holding, sir. I am about to update the information. I just need to go over a few other things here before we can continue. I see a charge for a towing service for. Is that a valid charge you made?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s mine. That’s a valid charge.”

Me: “Did you go to Colorado recently? And stay at the Golden Hotel, in room 222?”

Customer: *realizing I’ve done my homework* “…yes.”

Me: “Sir, I called the merchant. I asked them how they verify their transactions. They verified your name, address, phone number, and driver’s license. They have a copy of the license, an imprint of your card, and they verified what hotel you were staying at. Everything matches. This is not fraud. You’re going to have to dispute with the merchant.”

Customer: “But, that’s not my charge. I don’t live in Colorado.”

Me: “Sir, I have nothing that proves to me that this is fraud. Unless you have more information you’re not giving me, we can’t take this as fraud for services you received. Did you not receive any services?”

Customer: “So, I have to call the merchant. Goodbye.” *click*

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