(I’m mute, but learned sign language as a way to communicate. Most people assume I’m deaf, and I usually don’t need to correct them. However, some people use this assumption to make comments. I’m at the mall.)

Customer: “Miss, do you know where [Store] is?”

Me: *signs that I only speak sign language*

Customer: “Stupid deaf people. Shouldn’t be allowed the same place as us normal people! You ungrateful s*** had better stay the f*** away from me!”

(I tear up a bit, but then the security officer, who understands sign language, comes over.)

Security Officer: “Ma’am, please stop harassing her.”

Customer: “What?! I did no such thing! I only asked her for directions! And, she’s deaf! How could she know?!”

Security Officer: “She’s not deaf, ma’am. She heard every word. I’d like you to apologize to her.”

Customer: “H***, no! She’s a little b**** who shouldn’t be out with the normal part of society!”

Security Officer: “I’m going to ask you to leave now.”

Customer: “Why?!”

Security Officer: “You’re being disruptive and rude. You need to leave.”

Customer: “She should leave! She’s wasting time and space!”

Security Officer: “She isn’t screaming profanities, harassing others, or even being the least bit loud. I’m going to ask you one more time to leave the property.”

(The customer refuses, and has to be dragged out by two other officers!)

Me: “Hello. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My ‘wifis’ are all locked.”

Me: “Okay… let me see what you mean here.”

(The customer pulls out their [Smartphone] and shows that there are lock symbols on all of the wifi networks openly broadcasting in the area.)

Me: “Yes, these lock symbols mean that you have to login to the wifi network with a password.”

Customer: “Password? What password? Wifis need a password? I’ve never used a password.”

Me: “Does your home wifi not have a password?”

Customer: “Which one is my home wifi?”

Me: “Well, none of these. We have a wifi access point here in the store…”

(I demonstrate to the customer how to log onto a wifi using the store’s own broadcasting wireless network.)

Me: “But your home wifi will only be at your house. Not here. Do you know what your home wifi network is called?”

Customer: “Why can’t I use any of these other ones?”

Me: “These are just local wifi spots that are locked, with passwords, by their owners to keep people from freely using them.”

Customer: “But wifi is supposed to be free, and I was told that I would have access to wifi with my new device.”

Me: “Well, wifi isn’t always free. In places like Starbucks or McDonalds you’ll have free wifi that they pay for, but typical home networks, and even your 4G or 3G networks aren’t technically free. So, what you’ll have to do is go to your house, figure out what your home wifi is called, login to it by finding it on this list in your phone, and enter in the password if you have one.”

Customer: “So… what’s my wifi password, then? I don’t think I have one.”

Me: “I couldn’t tell you. That would be something you or you Internet provider would know.”

Customer: “My provider is you guys.”

Me: “Your home Internet provider.”

Customer: “See, I don’t understand. Wifis are free, so why? When I use my wife’s laptop, I just go to the Internet. There’s no passwords for the Internet. Where would I need to use a password for FREE wifi?”

Me: “Well, unless you’re stealing someone else’s unsecured wifi, you would have to have a network that you yourself are broadcasting, paying for, and connecting to that would either have or not have a wifi password involved. But again, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t be able to tell you that information. Your home cable or Internet provider would be responsible.”

Customer: “So do I have wifi or not?”

Me: “No. No, you don’t. Not if you don’t know what it is.”

Customer: “Why isn’t there some technical thing? You know I’m not good with this computer stuff, but I wish there was some technical thing that would just tell you what the password is. Everyone gets free wifi, but I’m the one with all the problems. I think it’s the phone.”

Me: “No, it’s not. Could you check on your home wifi for me and let me know what provider you have? I think I could get a pretty good idea of the problem with that information at least.”

Customer: “Okay. Yeah, I can do that. I’ll check with the wife. She’s better at this stuff.”

(I can now officially retire from customer service.)

Lady: “Hi, I was wondering if I could return some rotten milk? Or get it replaced, or a refund or something.”

Me: “Well, when did you buy it?”

Lady: “A week ago.”

Me: “Okay, when did it expire?”

Lady: “Yesterday.”

Me: “So, you bought it before the expiration date, then it expired. Correct?”

Lady: “Um, yeah, I guess so…”

Me: “We can’t return that, then.”

Lady: “WHAT THE F***! ARE YOU F****** KIDDING ME?!”

Me: “Are you serious? You bought it before it expired, kept it until AFTER it expired, and now want to return it?”

Lady: “WELL YOU HAVE A NICE F****** DAY!”

Me: “You too, ma’am.”

This story is part of the Classic NAR roundup!

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(I’m supposed to be doing interviews for a new babysitter within the hour. I quickly run out to the local supermarket to pick up a few supplies, such as biscuits and coffee for the interviewees. There is a very long line. It’s my turn to be rung up, when another customer approaches me.)

Other Customer: “Hi, sorry, but can I just skip the queue in front of you? I’ve got a very important meeting soon.”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m in a bit of a rush myself you see, I—”

Other Customer: “Now you listen here you ungrateful b****! You are not in as much of a rush as me! I have a very important meeting soon! Do you know what that means? It means I have the opportunity to get a job, unlike you, you lazy b****! You probably just live off of benefits; wasting tax-payer’s money, buying s*** that you don’t even deserve! I have a job opportunity that you will never have!”

Employee: “Excuse me, miss; I’m going to have to ask you to leave right now!”

Other Customer: “I will not leave! Kick her out; she’s the one wasting our taxes!”

(Security escorts her out.)

Me: “Thank you! What a b****!”

Employee: “Tell me about it! Are you okay?”

Me: “Yes, I’m fine thanks!”

(I return home half an hour later, just 10 minutes before my first interviewee is due. Lo and behold, it turns out to be the rude customer from the shop. It turns out that the important meeting she had was with me. Not surprisingly, she didn’t get the job.)

(A customer walks up to my till with his items and hands me a £50 note. I immediately become suspicious as the transaction total is only £7.50.)

Me: “Okay, that’s £7.50, and here’s your change.”

(I always count up the change I take out of the till.)

Me: “So that’s £20, £20, £1, £1, 50p, totaling £42.50, right?”

(The customer takes the money and starts to walk out. My manager, who is nearby, sees the customer pocket something. While looking towards me, my manager points to his office before he disappears. I am about to serve the next customer when my original customer comes back up to me.)

Customer: “Sorry, you seem to have only given me £22.50.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. But I know I counted out £42.50 exactly.”

(The customer then places the £22.50 back on the counter and empties his front pockets.)

Customer: “See, only £22.50. Can I have my other £20 back please?”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t open the till for that without a manager’s authorization. It’s against company—”

Customer: “But this next customer is paying by cash, so you can just take it out then, can’t you?”

Me: “No, that would be negligence on my part as I would be removing too much money from the till during that transaction, and it would not show up on our register logs.”

(The customer then steps aside and lets the next customer come to the till. The first customer then starts insulting me in front of the other customers.)

Customer: “You thief! You b****!”

(I process the next customer’s items and then take his cash and open the till drawer.)

Customer: “See? It’s open now and you won’t give me my £20 that you stole from me!”

(The customer reaches over towards the till drawer.)

Me: “Sir, I told you I need a manager before I can process that!”

(I slam the till drawer closed before the customer can get near it. I then hand the next customer his change, who thanks me and leaves. I turn back to the first customer, whose face seems to be getting redder and redder.)

Customer: “How long are you going to keep me here?!”

(Just then, the phone next to my till rings, with the display showing ‘MANAGER.’)

Me: *to the customer* “Just a second, sir.”

Manager: *to me over the phone* “The customer has hidden the missing £20 in his back pocket.”

(I try not to smile as I put the phone back down and my manager appears from the office. I turn to the customer and speak loudly enough that the other customers in line can hear.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, but my manager has told me I cannot open the till to give you your £20 back, because you have it in your right back pocket.”

Customer: *flustered* “T-that’s a lie! How d-dare you, you f*****!”

Me: “Sir, I’ve been told to ask you to leave before we call the police.”

(At this point I have my finger on the panic button, and he can visibly see that. He quickly gathers up his change from the counter and runs out of the store yelling profanities at my manager and me. The next customer, an elderly lady, walks up.)

Elderly Lady: *laughing* “Even I counted it out when you did and got the same amount, and I tell you, that’s a feat at my age!”