(We’ve had several weeks of chronic calls from the same woman from a telemarketing company, always asking for my husband. She refuses to take our number, which is also listed in the Do Not Call registry. We’ve told her that her company is in violation of laws, to no avail. Once again, the same woman calls; this time, however, I decide to use a trick I’ve employed before.)

Caller: “Is Mr. [my husband] there?”

Me: “This is his wife. May I help you?”

Caller: “No, I need to speak to Mr. [my husband].”

(I feign yelling to my husband away from the phone.)

Me: “YOU SON OF A B****! This w**** has been calling you several times a week and doesn’t have the sense to call when I’m not here! I am sick of your f***ing affairs! THIS IS IT! You pack up and get out now! I AM CALLING A LAWYER!”

Caller: *click*

Husband: “Huh? What was that about?”

Me: “Oh… another telemarketer that did not get the idea of call lists.”

Husband: “So, I had another affair?”

Me: “Yup.”

(The company never called back!)

(I work for a well-known coffee chain, and we have our fair share of crazy customers. One morning, a customer storms up to the counter where a relatively new coworker is running the register.)

Customer: “This is wrong! Remake this immediately!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry about that. Can you help me understand what you did want? I see here that we made you a white mocha with caramel.”

Customer: “I came through the drive through and I said I wanted caramel! You didn’t give me f****** caramel!”

Coworker: “I can fix that for you. Would you prefer caramel drizzle or the syrup?”

Customer: “I want caramel!” *she then thrusts the cup at my coworker, sending it skidding across the counter top* “There’s no caramel in my cup!”

Coworker: *opens the cup* “Oh, they put drizzle on here, instead of the syrup. I got you. Just a moment.”

Customer: “If you weren’t so f****** stupid and could do your f****** job right the first f****** time, I wouldn’t have to come back for such a stupid f****** reason!”

(At this point, I’m about to step in despite being tied up at the window, but my coworker bursts into tears and starts sniffling.)

Coworker: “I am genuinely sorry about this. Please, let me fix this for you. It won’t take but a minute—” *she goes to remake the drink, with the customer oddly quiet and hovering at the hand off* “—Here, please, taste this. I want you to be happy with your beverage.”

Customer: *takes the drink, takes a sip, shoves something into my coworker’s hand, and all but runs out the door*

Me: “Are you okay?”

Coworker: *turns to me, her eyes super red, sniffs once, and wrinkles her nose* “My allergies are wreaking havoc on my sinuses and eyes. Can I go take some medicine?”

Me: “You’re sure you’re fine?”

Coworker: *straight out grins* “Absolutely. I got us a five dollar tip! AND I gave her decaf!”

(I work in a pet store, and only one staff member is male. We also have a chatty amazon parrot.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Does the parrot say anything?”

Me: “Yes! He can say many things! Greetings and lots of random nonsense!”

(I wave at the parrot and he responds by saying ‘buh bye,’ and basically setting him off on a chatting rampage.)

Customer: “I thought you said it was a he?”

(I stare at the customer, somewhat confused.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well… that’s clearly a woman’s voice!”

(I just stand there for a moment before explaining the principal behind parrots speaking. Needless to say, the customer was sort of embarrassed as he left.)

Customer: “I’m looking for this foreign language program my friend has, but I can’t remember the name of it.”

Me: “Okay, well, was it a book or was it for the computer?”

Customer: “It goes on the computer. I think it was called…Susan?”

Me: “Susan? I can’t say I’ve heard of it.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sure you have. It’s very famous! I just can’t remember her last name. It’s her first and last name. Can you look it up?”

(I bring her to the computer and try to pull up the name of the program, but the computer can’t find anything.)

Customer: “Maybe it’s not Susan. It’s definitely a woman’s name, though.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t find it. Let me show you where all the computer programs like that are, though. Maybe it’ll jog your memory.”

(I walk her over educational computer program area.)

Customer: “Oh, I see it! Rosetta Stone! I knew it was a woman’s name.”

(A couple walk into my store.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything?”

Woman: “Yes, we’re looking for the book Go the F**k to Sleep.”

Me: “I think I have that right back here.”

Man: “Honey, I think ‘go the F to sleep” is the polite way to say that.”

Me: “No worries. If I’m selling it, I should be able to hear it.

Man: “Touché.”