(I am taking calls for a charity.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Charity]. Are you calling this evening to make a donation?”

Caller: “Sure I will, but I want to talk to one of the famous people first.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that isn’t possible. However, if I take your donation, I’m sure that they will be grateful.”

Caller: “Well, what row are you in? Can you wave to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not on TV. I’m in a call center that handles the excess calls from generous people like yourself.”

Caller: “Well, just get up and tap [Celebrity] on the shoulder! I’m sure he wouldn’t mind taking my call!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m not in the studio at the moment.”

Caller: “I’ll just call back. I’m sure the next person will know someone famous! You should stop hogging all the famous people!”

This story is part of our Customers Who Dislike Charity roundup!

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Customer: “I want to buy an iron.”

Me: “Okay, our irons are right here. Is there something specific that you’re looking for?”

Customer: “Oh, nothing too fancy; it’s a gift. This one looks good, but I’d like you to open it to make sure that everything is inside.”

Me: “No problem.”

(I open the box, show the customer the iron and manual, put everything back, and close the box back up. It looks the same as it did before I opened the box.)

Customer: “Oh, great, thanks.”

(The customer puts the iron back on the shelf. It’s the only one of its kind on the shelf, but on the very top shelf is another one. The customer points to the unopened box on the top shelf.)

Customer: “Can you hand me that one right there?”

Me: “Okay, would you like me to open that box, as well?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want to give my niece an open box for her wedding!”

Me: “Pardon me, but if I opened that box to make sure that the iron and manual were inside, wouldn’t it make sense to open that other box, as well?”

(The customer looks blank.)

Me: “I mean, how do you know that the iron and manual are going to be in that box up there?”

Customer: “Because I opened a box.”

Me: “But not that one up top.”

Customer: “I. Opened. A. Box.”

Me: *giving up* “Here, let me get you that iron…”

(This takes place just when DVDs are starting to replace VHS. A customer comes to the counter with a popular movie on VHS.)

Me: “You know, sir, the rental costs $4.99 for a week, but we are selling previously rented copies of this movie for only $1.99.”

Customer: “That’s okay. I just want to rent it.”

Me: “But sir, it’s $3 cheaper if you buy it, and you won’t have to bring it back.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to keep it!”

Me: “Well, you could buy it and then throw it out after.”

Customer: *impatiently* “Look, I don’t want to buy anything. I just want to rent this movie!”

Me: *gives up* “Certainly, sir. That will be $5.14 with taxes. The movie is due back next Tuesday by midnight.”

Customer: “Great! Thanks!”

(A customer has called to ask if we carry an over the counter soap in our store.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am? I just checked and we do carry [brand] soap. However, we are all out of stock right now, but we could order some for you and it would come in tomorrow.”

Customer: “You don’t carry [brand]?”

Me: “We do carry it. We just don’t have it in right now.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “Because other customers have purchased it. But we can order some for tomorrow.”

Customer: “Well, how long will that take?”

Me: “It’ll come in tomorrow.”

Customer: “So, how many days will that be?”

(This story takes place a few years ago, when my eldest child was only a few months old. I have just returned to work, and my husband is out of the state at a conference. I am picking my daughter up from her childcare centre, and am still nervous about leaving her for the day. I arrive to find a carer locking the main gate.)

Me: “Oh, my god! What are you doing? My baby’s in there!”

Carer: “Excuse me, ma’am, but all children have been picked up all ready. I’m locking up.”

(I’m obviously extremely distressed by this.)

Me: “Please, my daughter! You have to let me in!”

Carer: “Please step back, ma’am. All children have been picked up. You need to calm down.”

Me: “But I haven’t picked her up yet! She’s still here. Let me in!”

Carer: “Your husband probably picked her up and forgot to tell you. It’s not my fault. Take it up with him.”

(By this point I am in tears and screaming.)

Me: “My husband’s out of the state. Either let me in or I’m calling the police.”

(The carer eventually let me in, and, surprise, surprise, we found my daughter sitting in the playroom, perfectly happy on her own. Needless to say, I never left her there again.)