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Not About To Start A Revolution

, , , | Right | May 3, 2010

(A young female customer is paying for a work order. Her friends are nearby.)

Me: “The tech also recommends a tire rotation.”

Customer: “Oh okay… is that something I could get a friend to do?”

Me: “If they’ve got a jack and the lug nut key, sure.”

(Her friends come over.)

Customer: *to another young female friend* “I have to rotate my tires.”

Customer’s Friend: “I thought they did that when you drive?”


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A Noddy To The Wise

| Working | June 20, 2014

(I have already taken a couple of calls about ‘a car accident you were involved in’ but they have not listened to my request for being taken off the list. So, I did a little research and am ready for the next caller.)

Caller: “Can I speak to [My Name], please?”

Me: “Speaking.”

Caller: “My name’s [Caller] from [Company]. Your insurance company has passed on your details to us regarding a road traffic accident you had, and we’d like to talk to you about compensation.”

Me: “Is this about the hit and run?”

Caller: “Well, I didn’t see that in the det—”

Me: “Yeah, it was a hit and run. Some youth in a blue, red, and yellow convertible hit me and drove off. I don’t remember much about him, but he did have a blue hat with some gold bling on top.”

Caller: “Okay!”

(I can hear him typing away furiously, taking down the details.)

Me: “He did have a passenger with him. An elderly bloke with a large white beard, no moustache, and big ears.”

Caller: “Right.”

Me: “The car registration was November, Oscar, Delta, five, one, three.”

Caller: “This is interesting. The insurance company hasn’t given us all these details.”

Me: “Yeah. Anyway, there was a witness: a Miss Blyton, spelled B-L-Y-T-O-N, first name Enid.”

Caller: “So you had a witness, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Good. The car registration is coming up as a Fiat coupe. Was that it?”

Me: “I don’t know. It could be. I’m not very good with cars. I know it was a convertible.”

Caller: “Was it an old car, box shaped?”

Me: “It might have been. It all happened so fast and I’m terrible at recognising car types.”

Caller: “Did you contact your insurance company?”

Me: “No, I had left it in the hands of the policeman who dealt with the case. His name was PC Plod.”

Caller: “So it’s in the hands of the police?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “That’s good. Thanks for the information. I’m not sure why the insurance company didn’t give us any of these details, but what I’ll do is talk to my supervisor and see what he thinks we can do. I’ll look into it and get back to you as soon as possible.”

Me: *thinking to myself that he won’t when he realizes* “Yes, you do that. I look forward to hearing back.”

(All this had happened whilst I was at work, so I relate what had just happened to my work colleagues. I was part way through telling them, when my phone rings again.)

Supervisor: “Is that [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, it is. Hello!”

Supervisor: “This is [Supervisor] from [Company]. You spoke a short while ago to [Caller] about the hit and run.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Supervisor: “Did you contact your insurance company about this incident?”

Me: “No. As I said to your colleague, I had left it in the hands of the policeman who attended the scene, PC Plod, and the witness Enid Blyton.”

Supervisor: “Oh, right. This is a wind up, isn’t it?”

Me: “Oh, well done for spotting. Now, would you mind removing me from the list?”

Supervisor: “All right. But before you go, can I ask you something? Do you read much Enid Blyton?”

Me: “Not for a long time, no.”

Supervisor: “Tell me, was Enid Blyton involved much with the BFG?”

Me: “No, that was Roald Dahl.”

Supervisor: “You really do know your stuff. I’ll take you off our list. Bye!”

Making A Fresh Start In A New City

| Right | July 16, 2014

(It is 20 minutes before close. A man comes in alone and demands to be seated in the closed half of the restaurant. He insists this is the only ‘real’ part of the restaurant. My coworker takes his initial order then sends me over to continue with him. He’s ordered something that only comes as an add-on to an entrée, but he wants it first while he’s deciding on the entrée. This is no problem and I go to drop off his drink.)

Customer: “Limes are very precious in this city. So precious. Do you have any limes?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I can get you some if you like.”

Customer: “Yes, both lemon and lime are so precious.”

(I fetch him some.)

Me: “Did you decide on an entrée this evening or do you still need a few minutes?”

Customer: “What time do you close?”

Me: “10 pm.”

Customer: “[City] is terrible! Nothing stays open. If we were in a different city you’d be open till midnight at least.”

Me: “Well, they do stay open in some areas where there’s things around them that are open later like movie theatres. But we find here people don’t really come in for dinner so late. Did you need another minute with the menus?”

Customer: “This city is terrible. I hate this place so much. All the stores are awful. Everything is awful.”

(Another guest is trying to hail me so I politely excuse myself from the still-ranting man. A few minutes later I bring him the add-on he wanted as a starter.)

Customer: *in a demanding tone of voice* “Is it cold?!”

Me: *glancing at the clearly steaming food* “No, sir. It’s hot.”

Customer: “If you’re sure.”

Me: “Did you decide on an entrée? I can get them cooking it while you’re eating.”

Customer: “I’ll have chicken.”

Me: *thinking of the dozen diverse items on the menu that contain chicken* “Chicken, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, but only if it’s fresh. It needs to be really fresh! You need to give it the smell test. If you haven’t stuck your nose into the burger it’s not really fresh! If it’s not fresh I’ll just send it right back!”

Me: *thinking that we’ve at least narrowed it down to the four chicken burger options* “Absolutely, sir. I’ll triple check with the kitchen, but our chicken is generally really fresh. Do you know which of the chicken burgers you’d like?”

Customer: “No, no, no! You’re not listening! You have to listen to your customers! It . Must. Be. Fresh. I know it’s not! I eat here all the time and it’s not. This place is terrible. All the restaurants in this city are terrible.”

Me: “I’m sorry if you’ve had a bad experience, sir. I can tell you that our chicken today is very fresh. Is there a particular burger you’d like?”

Customer: “I’ve called head office and left a message for the CEO, you know. They didn’t care about freshness. No one cares about freshness. You’re not even listening! You have to listen to your customers! You know what, f*** it! I’ll just take this to go.”

(I go get him a take out box and he puts the hot food in that, dumps the salad out onto the table and the floor and storms out. He paid for the add-on and even left me a one cent tip.)

A Mammoth Mistake

, , , , , , , | Right | August 3, 2010

(The gift shop I work in has many ivory jewelry and sculpture pieces. The ivory is from woolly mammoths that used to roam Alaska.)

Customer: “Where does the woolly mammoth ivory come from?”

Me: “The tusks are collected on the northern tundra by Alaskan Natives. The Natives carve the ivory and then sell it to us.”

Customer: “I think it’s so great that people aren’t allowed to hunt the mammoths anymore! I hate hunters!”

Sweet Spice

, , , , , , | Right | March 13, 2011

(I work on the pizza counter at a large supermarket chain. We make individual pizzas for the customer.)

Customer: “I’d like some jelly babies.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t put jelly babies on pizzas. What else can I get you?”

Customer: *pause* “Jelly babies, please.”

Me: “Sir, we do not serve jelly babies here.”

(This continues for quite a while.)

Customer: “I’d like some jelly babies.”

Me: “We do not sell jelly babies!”

(The customer then angrily points to an ingredient on the counter.)

Me: “Sir, those are jalapeños.”