(Our chocolate chip muffins are coveted by kids as an after-school snack. We recommend that people call ahead and have us set one aside if they want to make sure we aren’t out by the time they arrive, since we stop baking muffins around midday. We will also warm up the muffins on request, but only if they will be eaten immediately, as they will be tough once they cool off.)

Me: *answering phone* “Good afternoon, [Store]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “THIS IS GEORGE.”

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “THIS IS GEORGE.”

Me: *making the connection between the high-pitched voice and the name of one of our regular second-grader customers* “You want me to save you a muffin, George?”

Caller: “CHOCOLATE CHIP MUFFIN. HEATED, PLEASE.”

Me: “I’ll wait and heat it up when you get here. See you soon, buddy.”

Customer: “How much is Bud Light?”

Bartender: “$3.75.”

Customer: “Well, how much is Miller Light?”

Bartender: “$3.75.”

Customer: “D***! What’s the cheapest thing you got in here?!”

Bartender: “YOU!”

(It is Thanksgiving Day. I am calling a customer who left a message that he wants to ‘complain.’)

Customer: “I pay for a 24/7, 365-day contract and you’re closed just because it’s a holiday.”

Me: “Actually, we’re not closed. In fact, you and I are talking on the phone, right now.”

Customer: “I think I should get a credit or something free because you’re not open.”

Me: “Except that we ARE OPEN.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve wasted my time calling if you’re open because you’re supposed to be closed. How are you going to compensate me?”

Me: “Just to make sure I understand: You’re calling on a day that you think we’re closed, in order to complain that we’re closed in an attempt to get something for free, but when you realized that we’re open, the exact thing you wanted, you’d like to complain and get something for free because you wasted your time calling to complain about something that didn’t happen?”

Customer: “YES!”

Me: “Was there a technical problem that you needed help with in the first place?”

Customer: “No! I only called to complain.”

Me: *bangs head on desk*

Customer: “Well, I think I at least deserve an apology!”

Me: “I’m, uh… very sorry that we could not inconvenience you today.”

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(I have just gotten back from vacation and am only on clock for a few minutes when the manager calls me back into the office.)

Manager: “I think you know why I called you back here.”

Me: “Actually I have no idea. Is something wrong?”

Manager: “I’ll say! Your drawer yesterday was short fifty dollars! That’s an automatic write-up.”

Me: “Wait, did you say yesterday?”

Manager: “Yes, register two from [date]. That was yesterday. You know, I really never expected this from you. Your drawers are usually spot on! Just so you know, I’m very disappointed.”

Me: “I am too. You know why? Because I did not work yesterday. I was on vacation for the week. I don’t know who clocked me in on a register but I am very disappointed they would use my numbers when I wasn’t here.”

(As soon as I say this, the manager kicks me out of her office and refuses to speak to me. Later, the store owner approaches me.)

Store Owner: “I heard what happened yesterday. I’m not trying to accuse you of anything but I don’t want you to get fired, so if you just give back the missing money I can drop your suspension down to only one week instead of four.”

Me: “Actually, I’m glad you brought this up and came to speak to me because I need your help to clear up this mess.”

(I proceed to tell him the same story. He simply nods and goes into the office. Ten minutes later he is accompanied by the manager.)

Manager: “I just wanted to apologize. We checked the computer and it does say your were on paid vacation yesterday and the video does show someone else working that drawer in your name. So, you’re not in trouble anymore.”

Me: “Thank you for helping me get that cleared up!”

Manager: *sulks away*

Store Owner: “I should have known it wasn’t you! You haven’t gotten into any trouble since you started working here.”

Me: “Do you mind if I ask who was working that drawer in my name?”

Store Owner: “Actually, it was [manager]. She’s been written up and put on suspension and I’m sending her home early today. Sorry she gave you a hard time.”

(Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

Me: “Customer service, this is [My Name]. May I have your file number?”

(The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Airline Employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

Airline Employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

Airline Employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where — no pun intended — the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

Airline Employee: “You got any Febreeze?”

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