(The property owner has come in to report that there is smoke coming from the roof of the shopping center, though not directly above our store. A few customers overhear.)

Customer #1: “So, uh, what should we do?”

Customer #2: “Yeah, can we still order drinks?”

Me: “Um… well, I guess so, since we haven’t gotten an official order to evacuate.”

(Despite the commotion, no one in the café has budged. I am in the middle of making the last customer’s drinks when the store manager comes in.)

Manager: “Ladies, gentlemen, there is a fire in one of the electrical units on top of the building so we are evacuating. Anyone parked directly in front of the building will need to move their cars.”

(Most people get up to leave, but a few just look around, confused.)

Customer #3: “Can we leave our things here?”

Manager: “No. Take all of your things. The store is closing and I have no idea when we will be able to reopen.”

Customer #2: “Well what should I do?!”

Manager: “You have to leave. We’ve been given official orders to get everyone out.”

Customer #2: “But I’ve already paid for those! I don’t have my drinks yet!”

Me: “Ma’am, I will finish making these drinks, but I am leaving directly after and you will need to do the same.”

(Even as fire trucks begin to arrive and people file out, a few people wander in.)

Customer #4: “Are you still open?”

Me: “No! We are evacuating the building, there is an electrical fire on the roof!”

(They leave, obviously displeased. I hand off the drinks I was working on and run out. Amazingly, many of the people who were in our cafe are standing around, a few asking if we think we’ll reopen soon. Luckily, the fire was quickly put out, no one was hurt, and the damage was mostly cosmetic. The next day, the same woman who wouldn’t leave without her drinks comes in.)

Customer #2: “I was here when we had to evacuate yesterday! Was everyone all right?”

Me: “Yes, everyone is fine. They got the fire put out pretty quickly and none of the stores have major damage.”

Customer #2: “Well I’m just glad to hear no one was hurt. You guys are more important than coffee.” *walks away*

(A coworker, who hadn’t been working during the evacuation, looks touched.)

Coworker: “That was so nice! What a sweet thing to say.”

Me: “Yeah… just wish she had felt that way yesterday when she wouldn’t let me leave until her lattes were finished.”

Coworker: “…oh.”

Me: “Would you like a free year of anti-virus for this computer?”

Customer: “No, that is too expensive! In my country, we can get it for about $16 USD!”

Me: “Well, in this country you get it for free when you buy a computer.”

Customer: “No, it’s too expensive. You give me a deal?”

Me: “I can charge you $16 US dollars for the anti-virus.”

Customer: “Okay! You see? You gave me a deal.”

(As my husband is leaving the store, something in his bag sets of the theft alarm. The security guard checks his bags with a handheld scanner to determine what caused the alarm. It turns out to be his backpack. The scanner also shows a match with a product ID number.)

Husband: “Do you need me to open my backpack?”

Security Guard: “The scanner says you have a bicycle in there. Either you’re the world’s best bicycle thief, or it’s a false alarm.”

(I work at an amusement park. They are very strict about the money, and I am the head cashier. It’s about 100 degrees out, and there’s a long line of about 100 people waiting to place an order. A customer rudely cuts everyone in line, and starts talking to me.)

Rude Customer: “Hey, bud, can you give me four quarters for a dollar?”

Customer #2: “Hey, I was in line!”

Rude Customer: “Relax, I’ll only be a second.”

(The customer ignores the rest of the customers complaints.)

Me: “No, sir. I’m sorry; we’re not allowed to open the register.”

Rude Customer: “Aw, come on, man! I just need four quarters.”

Me: “Well, if you want change, you can go to the customer service desk at the front of the park.”

Rude Customer: “Are you f****** serious!? It’s 100 f****** degrees outside; I am not going to the other side of the d*** park, you a**-wipe!”

Customer #2: “Dude, no need to be a jack-a**. Plus, you cut in line, anyway.”

Rude Customer: “Mind your own business, you old lady. Dude, seriously, give me my f****** change for a dollar!”

(My manager overhears.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Rude Customer: “I need change for this f****** dollar, and your stupid-a** cashier won’t do it.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re not allowed to make change for a dollar. You need to go to the front of the park and go to customer service. They’ll do i—”

Rude Customer: “I was already f****** told that! And I already said, I am not walking all the f****** way over there!”

Customer #3: “Dude, shut the f*** up already! We’re waiting in line for food, and clearly you’re not getting your change!”

Rude Customer: “Mind your own d*** business! I need it ’cause my girlfriend is on her f****** period!”

Customer #4: “Here’s a stupid quarter, you a**-wipe!”

([Customer #4] proceeds to throw quarters at [Rude Customer], who proceeds to pick up the quarters. My manager bends over the counter and looks down at the man.)

Manager: “You have 10 minutes to get your girlfriend her tampon, and out of my park, before I call security!”

(The customers in line started clapping as he ran away, with no girlfriend in sight!)

(An elderly gentleman wearing a wife beater that is tucked into his underwear slowly makes his way to the counter to pick up his pizza. After a seemingly normal transaction with a sane customer, he picks up his pizza and turns to walk out the door. As he turns he tilts the pizza vertically and puts it under his arm (like carrying a book). I and some fellow employees watch in amazement as we imagine the hot pizza cheese sliding into a clump.)

Manager: “He’s going to be calling back…”

(About fifteen minutes later, the phone rings.)

Me: “[Pizza], how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to a manager, please.”

Me: “Right away.”

Manager: “This is [Manager]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my pizza was clumped on one side of the box and the cheese had slide off the pizza. I’d like a new one!”