(A line has formed at the cash. My boss is doing paperwork at the desk behind me. I finish ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Hello there, ma’am. Before I ring you in, would you like a plastic bag today? I only ask because they do cost five cents extra.”

(She looks at me in angry disgust.)

Customer: “You still charge people even though it’s raining outside?! That’s disgusting! Are you proud of yourself?!”

Me: “Since all of the proceeds from plastic bags go to a wildlife preservation foundation, yes. I am proud of myself.”

(The customer stalks away in disgust. I turn around to see my boss staring at me.)

Manager: “Did you just say that?”

Me: “Yup.”

(She raises her hand for a high-five.)

This story is part of the Cheapskate Customers roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] DSL tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My modem bit me.”

Me: “It… bit you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I went to turn it off and it bit me. And now it’s staring at me every time I try to get back in the room.”

(The modem has two red lights on the front that are lit solid when everything is working properly. The customer also sounds like they’re not exactly sober, so I decide that giving them a logical response won’t be much help to them.)

Me: “All right, what you should do is turn the light on in the room, close the door, and go to bed. The modem will stay up all night trying to get to you, but be stuck in the room. By morning it’ll be too exhausted to fight back and you can duct tape it to the desk to keep it in line from now on.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

(The next day, he actually called back to compliment me for solving his problem!)

(A male customer approaches the cash register.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “What did you say to me?”

Me: “Um, how can I help you?”

Customer: “You… help me? How can you… help me? YOU?”

Me: “Um, yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

Customer: “You can’t help me!”

Me: “Okay, why not?”

Customer: “Because I don’t need YOUR help!”

Me: “Okay, what do you want me to do? I’m the only one working here.”

Customer: “I want you to ask me, ‘How may I serve you?'”

Me: “Um, no.”

Customer: *cusses up a storm and leaves*

This story is part of the snobby customers roundup!

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(A customer comes in, looking a little tired. I’m stacking shelves.)

Customer: “Hi, I need some vanilla Häagen-Dazs. Where are your freezers?”

Me: “They’re over here, but I’m afraid I think we’re out of Häagen-Dazs. We have our own brand vanilla.”

(He gives me a look like he’s going to cry.)

Customer: “I’m really sorry. It has to be Häagen-Dazs. It has to be vanilla.” *voice cracking* “Do you know where I could get some?”

(I promised to go and check the store room as he genuinely looked like he was about to burst into tears and I thought maybe he wasn’t very well. Luckily, we had a couple left that hadn’t been brought out. I brought it back and handed it to him. He looks at it like it’s magical, breathes a huge sigh of relief, and heads to the check out. He picks up a mini chocolate cake on the way and I see him talk to my colleague behind the counter. After he’s gone, she comes over to me and hands me the cake.)

Coworker: “That guy just said this is for you. He said he’s going home to his eight-month pregnant monster wife and because of you he’s not going to be murdered tonight.”

(One of my coworkers knows nothing about coffee, and usually makes our specialty coffees wrong. Even though we have a book that has step by step instructions, she never uses it and never asks for help. Today, one of my regulars is going through her register.)

Customer: “Hello! I’d like a large iced caramel mocha with one extra shot of espresso please.”

(My coworker rings it in correctly and goes to make the drink herself. After a moment, she comes back and presents the cup to the customer.)

Customer: “Um, that’s not right. I would like the iced caramel mocha with extra espresso.”

Coworker: “Oh! I think I made a caramel latte by mistake. Let me try again.”

(My coworker leaves the cup on the counter and turns to try again.)

Coworker: “Okay! So one small caramel mocha with extra espresso.”

Customer: “That’s almost right. I would like it large and iced please.”

(This time I follow my coworker to the drink station to watch. I find her making the wrong drink yet again.)

Me: “Uh, where’s the chocolate?”

Coworker: “Iced coffees don’t get chocolate, just caramel flavor.”

Me: “Well yes, that’s correct, but the customer ordered a large iced caramel mocha with an additional shot of espresso. The book says you put our chocolate caramel sauce on the ice, right here.”

(I motion to both the book and the bottle of chocolate caramel sauce. My coworker stares at me for a moment before walking away so I can make the drink properly. As I am doing this, my manager wanders up and sees all the other drinks sitting on the counter.)

Manager: “What is this?”

Coworker: “I kept making this lady’s drink, but she kept telling me it was wrong!”

Manager: “Yeah… none of these are correct. You know, I’ve shown you the book and you know you can ask someone if you can’t remember how to make a drink, but randomly making a bunch of coffees hoping you eventually get it right is not acceptable. You are banned from making coffee until you memorize the coffee book.”