(I’m at a local deli run by a man and his son. The owner’s wife is an accomplished painter.)

Owner: “Hey, someone left an iPhone here.”

Customer 1: “Oh, that’s mine.”

Customer 2: “You found my iPhone!”

Son: “Uh… Dad, that’s mine, I just put it down.”

(He unlocks it and shows the photos. It’s clearly his family. Customers #1 and #2 scurry out of the store.)

Owner: “I wonder… [Regular], you still have that broken iPad?”

Regular: “Uh, yeah? You want it?”

Owner: “Yeah!”

(I’m back in next day, and the regular is already there. The owner’s wife is sitting at the back table and carefully painting the back of an iPad.)

Me: “Hey, [Owner’s Wife]. Uh, what are you painting?”

Wife: “John Kerry and a donkey flying a biplane.”

Me: “…what?”

Wife: “Talk to [Owner].”

Owner: “Just you wait.”

(The next day, I come in again, and there’s a sign posted: “IPAD FOUND” with the wife’s art carefully displayed.)

Me: “Hey, [Owner], how’s the iPad scam going?”

Owner: “Five people banned from the store already!”

(I work at a small, family-owned and operated movie store that also sells various movie/anime merchandise. Lately, we’ve been having trouble with a specific group of kids coming in and stealing from us. I’m currently managing the register when I notice one of the kids in the group entering the store, being pulled in by his mother. She sees me and heads over to my counter. The owner also sees this and heads over towards us.)

Mother: “I’m really hoping you can help me.”

(She reaches into her purse, pulls out an anime figurine, and places it on the counter.)

Mother: “See, I was cleaning my son’s room yesterday when I found this on his desk. I did a little more cleaning and I found its box that had your store’s price tag on it. Despite what he says, I know that I didn’t buy it for him; I believe he stole from you all. So, we’re here to return it and make this right.”

Me: “I’m happy that you want to do the right thing and all, but unfortunately I’m unable to return opened merchandise, especially without its original packaging.”

Mother: “Please, you have to take this back. I work two jobs just to pay the bills; I can’t afford this toy nor does he deserve it. There must be some way.”

Owner: “Ma’am, I appreciate you coming in and trying to do the right thing. I know it wasn’t you who stole from me; it was your son. With all due respect, I don’t believe you should have to waste your hard earned money to fix his mistake. With your permission, I’d like to suggest an alternative solution.”

(The owner’s solution? Every Saturday for the next two months, that kid came in and ‘volunteered’ to help out around the store. At the end of the two months, he learned a valuable lesson and even paid for the stolen figurine.)

(I have gone to pick up junk food for the house, when a customer in line behind me notices the chocolate bars I’ve selected. They are a brand that leaves tiny air bubbles inside the chocolate.)

Customer: “Oh! I just love those!”

Me: “Heh, yeah. They’re a favorite in the household.”

Customer: “I love them because they took all the calories out!”

Me: “The orange ones are the best, I— Wait, what?”

Customer: “Oh, don’t you know? Those holes are where the calories used to be!”

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(When I process returns and exchanges, the register still gives me a total. Sometimes I like to have fun with this.)

Me: *processing an exchange* “Okay, that’ll be $0.00, please.”

Customer: *pretends to pull something out of his/her wallet and hands me air*

(It’s nice to know that some of my customers share the same sense of humor as I do.)

(A customer calls in because her computer has been hijacked by malware. After some troubleshooting, it is clear that there are no repair options available due to system corruption. We decide on a reinstallation of the operating system.)

Me: “Before we press the restart button I will explain what will happen. During the reboot, a line of white text on a black background will appear stating ‘Press any key’ – the moment you see this line you press space. The most common mistake made by customers is that they feel insecure and ask before pressing which takes too long and we have to restart the computer again. The moment you see ‘Press any key’ I want you to press space. Any questions?”

Customer: “No, I understand.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead and press restart then.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(The customer goes silent for a while.)

Customer: “So, press any key. Does that mean I can press any key on the keyboard?”

Me: “Yes, but press the space bar just to be sure since some keys might not register.”

Customer: “Oh. So that’s the any key! Is that the long button?”

Me: *pause* “That is correct.”

Customer: “Okay. Now it says Windows XP and the bars are moving.”

Me: “So you didn’t press the space bar?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you see the text?”

Customer: “I don’t know. You were talking to me and I panicked!”