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They Are But Learners Among Masters

| Learning | June 25, 2013

(I’m in a Creative Writing class. Star Wars Episode VII has just been announced, and there’s two boys in my class who are huge Star Wars fans. I’m also a fan, but I haven’t made that known. Class is just beginning.)

Teacher: “Random fact for today: Star Wars Episode VII will be made. We have that to look forwards to in 2015.”

Boy #1: “Yeah, right.”

Boy #2: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Boy #1: “It’ll just be a repeat of the prequels. A bunch of sucky movies, one after the other.”

Me: *muttering* “I have a very bad feeling about this…”

Boy #2: “The prequels don’t suck!”

Boy #1: “They do, and I’ll give you plenty of reasons why: Jar Jar Binks, midichlorians, taxation plots, whiny Anakin—”

Boy #2: “The midichlorian bit didn’t suck!”

(This argument goes back and forth for some time, and they eventually stand up as it gets more heated. The rest of the class looks annoyed, as does the teacher, but efforts to break up the fight are fruitless.)

Teacher: “Boys, this isn’t a forum thread.”

(I finally have enough.)

Me: *to teacher* “You gotta speak their language. Watch.” *stands and turns to boys* “Mindless philosophers! I find your lack of faith in this new film disturbing. You two better watch your mouths, or you’ll find yourselves floating home!”

(The two boys just stare at me silenced.)

Boy #1: “You’re a girl! How do you—”

Me: “Somebody has to save the fandom! Back into your seats, flyboys!”

(They grudgingly sit down, as do I.)

Me: “Boring conversation anyway.” *to teacher* “You’re all clear, [teacher’s name]! Now let’s blow this lesson and go home!”

(The entire class bursts out laughing. The two boys never disrupt the class with their Star Wars arguments again.)

Gifted At Bad Gift Wrapping

| Right | December 25, 2013

Me: “Would you like me to gift wrap that for you?”

Customer: “Yes. But can you make it look a bit crap so my girlfriend thinks I did it?”

Toying With Her

| Working | November 1, 2013

(I have a cuddly toy with me that I have had for years, and it’s sort of a comfort blanket. He comes everywhere with me and looks very scruffy as he is well loved. Since on this occasion I am travelling, I am holding him instead of having him in my suitcase. I have some time before my connection, so I wander through some local shops. Everything is fine until I try to leave a toy store I’ve been looking in. I am very shy and get easily frightened by people who raise their voice at me. I am also a teenager and seemingly too old for toys. There are two employees in the store, but only one is present at the moment.)

Employee #1: “Hey, you!”

Me: “Hmm?”

Employee #1: “Are you going to pay for that?”

Me: “Pay for what, sorry?”

Employee #1: “That toy! That toy you’re holding.”

Me: “Um, I didn’t pick him up in here; I walked in with him. In fact, I’ve had him for years. And besides, he’s all scruffy; I don’t think you’re allowed to sell things as scruffy as him.”

Employee #1: “Him? Who’s him? I was talking about that toy!”

Me: “Er, so am I. His name’s [Toy’s Name] and I’ve had him for years; you’ve made a mistake.”

Employee #1: “Look, I don’t have time for this; just put it back and I won’t call the police.”

Me: “But he’s mine!”

Employee #1: “You’re too old for toys; give it back.”

Me: “No I won’t; he’s mine.”

(The employee marches over to me, terrifying me and making me clutch my toy even tighter.)

Employee #1: “Just give it back already!”

Me: *in tears* “No! He’s mine! I’ve had him for years; you can’t take him off me!”

Employee #1: “IT’S NOT YOURS UNTIL YOU PAY FOR IT!”

(The employee then makes a grab for my toy and I pull away. I am now very scared and in floods of tears. Another employee comes to see what is going on.)

Me: “No! No! He’s mine! You can’t take him!”

Employee #2: “[Employee #1]! What’s going on?”

Employee #1: “I caught this girl stealing this toy! Now she won’t give it back and keeps saying that it’s hers now for some reason.”

Me: “But he IS mine!”

Employee #1: “ENOUGH WITH THE ‘HE’ CRAP! IT’S A TOY AND IT IS NOT YOURS!”

(I am sitting on the floor, crying, still clutching my toy.)

Employee #1: “CROCODILE TEARS WON’T HELP! JUST HAND THE TOY OVER!”

Employee #2: “[Employee #1]! That’s enough! If you’re so sure she stole this toy, then go and find where she got it from; I’m quite sure I’ve never seen one like that in the store!”

(Employee #1 sulks off. Employee #2 sits on the floor beside me.)

Employee #2: “So, want to tell me your side of the story, love?”

Me: “I was just looking round and when I went to leave, he said I had to pay for [Toy’s Name], but I didn’t get him here. I’ve had him for years; I never go anywhere without him! I can’t sleep without him! You can’t take him off me!”

Employee #2: “I see. Can I have a look at [Toy’s Name], please?”

(I nod and show him my toy, still keeping a firm grip in case he tries to take him off me too.)

Employee #2: “My, he’s a precious little thing, isn’t he? I think he might need a bath though, and not with those tears, either! Maybe a few repair stitches too! Come on, smile; I believe you. I know we don’t sell anything like him, and we certainly wouldn’t be allowed to sell something that well loved! Now go on; get out of the shop before [Employee #1] gets back!”

Me: *wipes away tears* “Really?”

Employee #2: “Yes, it’s obvious how much you love him anyway. Go on; run before [Employee #1] catches us!”

(I smile and run out of the store clutching my toy. I look back to see Employee #1 marching towards Employee #2, but I don’t hear any more. I just ran to the station and remained there until my connection arrived! But thank you, Employee #2 for being so understanding!)

Soft-Selling

, , , , | Right | August 1, 2013

(We have got a new mattress, so I put the old one up on Craigslist. It’s free to the first person who comes to pick it up. Shortly after I post the ad, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “I’m calling about the mattress. Is it a pillow-top?”

Me: “No, sorry, it isn’t.”

Caller: “Oh. Well, I need a pillow-top. I’m having surgery next week, and I need a mattress with some support.”

Me: “I understand.”

(There is a long pause.)

Caller: “So what are you going to do?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: *angrily* “I need a pillow-top mattress!”

Me: “Um, well, good luck?”


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Marital Bliss In All Its Forms, Part 3

, , , , | Right | February 13, 2009

(A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

Customer: “You married at all?”

Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

Me: *mouth agape*

(Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

Me: *mouth still agape*