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Lost And Found Your Body

, , , , , | Right | November 12, 2017

(A teenage girl comes into my craft booth, who I recognize from a previous visit.)

Me: “Welcome back!”

Girl: “Did you see a cell phone anywhere?”

Me: “No, but let’s look.”

(We check all around the booth and under tablecloths, but we don’t find a cell phone.)

Me: “Have you checked Lost and Found?”

Girl: “No, but I know I used it here; I sent a picture of that necklace.”

(She leaves, upset. A while later she comes in with a man, a phone in hand.)

Me: “Glad you found your cell phone!”

Girl: “No, this is my dad’s; I’m using a find-a-phone app. The phone should be making a loud noise.”

(The man starts looking under my tables, grumbling, so I help double-check the area. The whole time, he is glaring at me.)

Man: “Well, I don’t hear it, but they’ve probably put it somewhere muffled. Where the h*** is her phone?”

Me: “I hope she finds it.”

(Suddenly he gets in my face, angry.)

Man: “Look, she had it here. You’re going to give me back my daughter’s phone.”

Me: “I don’t have it.”

Man: “I know you stole her phone. Give it back.”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry she lost it. Have you checked Lost and Found?”

(Suddenly he knocks over a display, grabbing my shirt.)

Man: “Listen, you little [gay slur]. If you don’t give me her phone, they aren’t going to find your body!”

Me: “Help! Help!”

(Luckily, one of the police officers at the event is nearby and comes over immediately. The man lets go of me when he sees the officer, but knocks over more displays. The man argues with the officer, and is eventually put in handcuffs. I’m picking up my displays and assessing damages when the event organizer comes over to talk to the police and to me. When she hears the whole story, she looks at the daughter.)

Organizer: “Was it a [Phone] in a pink glitter case? Someone turned that into Lost and Found an hour ago.”

(That was it!)

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The Spider Was The Decider

| Right | June 13, 2014

(A customer has brought in an old game system and games to trade. Her games are all really old and common games in unplayable conditions She puts the system on the counter in an old shoe box with its own tangled cords.)

Me: “Let me sure everything we need is here so I can see if we can take it and test it out.”

(I reach into the box to grab the system, but once I lift it out of the box spiders crawl out of it and scurry up my arm.)

Me: “Sorry, we won’t able to accept the system, but we might be able to take the controllers.”

(I coyly replace the system in the box, only to find that there’s only more spiders on the controllers, which are now on the counter, and were to be squashed by employees throughout the day.)

Me: “You get a few dollars for the controllers and games if you’d like to do it.”

Customer: *appalled* “We can get much more at yard sale.”

Me: “Go for it.”

(She leaves, and I shudder thinking of the poor souls who will have the misfortune of purchasing a spider infested game system, with broken games, at a yard sale.)

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A Jump From Logic

| Learning | January 24, 2014

(I am in science class, and we are finishing up a long project. Due to time constraints, the teacher decides to teach one person how to use the machine we will be needing, which will measure each group’s data. He decides to pick this person with a riddle. He draws a small square within a large square on the board. This is a magnet high school focused on math and science. Most of the kids here think in a very systematic, mathematical way.)

Teacher: “There is a three foot by three foot island containing treasure. Surrounding this square island is a bottomless chasm, three feet all the way around, forming another square. You have two pieces of wood, each one foot by a quarter of a foot. How do you get across the chasm to the island?”

Classmate #1: “You can put the boards at an angle and overlap them. They may be able to just bridge the gap.”

Teacher: “Not exactly.”

Classmate #2: “Can you cut the boards?”

Teacher: “No. Keep guessing.”

(The whole class sits there in silence. I make up my mind to answer sarcastically, just to see if I can get a laugh out of the class.)

Me: “Jump over the chasm. Three feet is only this wide.”

(I motion with my hands approximately three feet.)

Teacher: “And you are correct! Come here. Let me show you how to use the machine.”

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The Downside To Survival

| Right | October 7, 2011

(I live and work in Joplin, MO. A customer wants to place an order with the business I work and calls me.

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Supervisor, now!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but before I can transfer you to a supervisor, I need to get your name and phone number please.”

Customer: “Okay, my name is [name] and my number is [number]. I am calling because I see this mailing address for Joplin, MO and I know that Joplin was wiped off the map from that tornado.”

Me: “No, sir. Not all of the city was destroyed. Only one-third was wiped out.”

Customer: “Supervisor, now!”

(I get his name and number and get a supervisor. The supervisor tells him the same exact thing.)

Customer: “You are all frauds!” *click*

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David Vs. On-The-Warpath

| Right | February 8, 2013

(I’m helping a very nice woman with her cellphone. Suddenly, a man built like a bodybuilder comes rushing into the store, his arms full of documents.)

Me: *to the man* “I’ll be with you in just a few minutes.”

(Instead of waiting, the man pushes the woman out of the way to get to me.)

Customer: “Hey, I need to use one of your computers. Can you log me in?” *gestures towards a setup of demo laptops*

Me: “Uh, for what, exactly?”

Customer: “I need to do some online banking quickly. Just f***ing unlock one of those computers already.”

Me: “Look, I can’t let you do that. Those machines get sold, and if somebody gets your bank info off of a machine I sell them, I’m liable. More so, your attitude isn’t very respectful, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t f***ing care if people steal my bank info! I just need to get this s*** done. Now, let me on!”

Me: “No. There’s a public library open further down the street, but I refuse to allow you onto our machines, not just for liability reasons, but for how you’re treating me.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you then!”

Me: “You can leave my store, or I can call the police on you. Your choice.”

(The man walks out of the store raging, and the woman I am helping before just looks at me shocked.)

Woman: “I am amazed you talked to him like that. He looked like he could have snapped you in half!”

Me: “At some point, you just get tired of some people. Let’s finish you up here.”

(Later that week, I got a commendation from Head Office, star service award. I was nominated by the woman I served that night.)

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