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Not THAT Kind Of Role Play

| Working | April 20, 2015

(I’m 17 and I work as an au pair in Germany, looking after two children. I’ve asked my employers if I can take a weekend and a Friday off during June to go to Amsterdam with my girlfriend and her father for a tabletop RPG convention, and am now trying to explain what RPGs are. The dialogue takes place in German, which is not my first language.)

Me: *haltingly* “You pretend to be a character and play a story with other people.”

Mother: “Like theatre? On a stage? I didn’t know you were an actress!”

Me: “No, no, just in a room with a few people. No audience. You just make up the story as you go along.” *I mean to say costumes, but instead say clothing* “You don’t wear any clothing but sometimes you have props.”

Mother: *obviously thinking it’s something sexual and being horrified because of my age* “Is that legal?!”

Me: *not understanding her horror* “Yes, of course! People come from all over the world; meeting new people is part of the fun.”

Mother: “I don’t think you should go… Your girlfriend’s father plays as well?”

Me: *suddenly realises my mistake* “Oh… OH! I meant costumes, not clothing! Everyone wears clothing! No one takes their clothing off! Especially not [Girlfriend’s 56-year-old father]!”

(We laughed over the mistake later and I managed to explain better, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget the time I told the mother of the children I look after that I play games with strangers with my clothes off!)


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I Dated Dr. Nick

, , , | Romantic | October 10, 2011

Woman: “I’m looking for a surgeon called [Name]. He’ll be off shift soon. But I’m not sure where he would be around here.”

Me: “Sure, hang on.” *checks database* “I’m sorry, what was his name again?”

Woman: *says name*

Me: “It seems we don’t have a surgeon, or any employee with that name.”

Woman: “I’m sorry, are you new? He’s been my boyfriend for half a year and he’s worked here for three years. We are going on a date after his shift and I decided to surprise him by meeting him here instead.”

Me: *checks database again* “I’m sorry, we have no one by that name. Are you sure this is the right hospital?”

Woman: “Yes, I’ve been to his home down the hill. He said he walks up the hill to work. This is the only hospital that’s here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

Woman: “Hmph! You’re useless.” *stalks off*

(She comes back 15 minutes later.)

Woman: “Well, you just ruined my life. I called him and he said he just got off shift. I told him I’d be right here waiting for him and he got scared. Apparently he’s not even a surgeon. I can’t believe he lied to me!”

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A Number 666 With A Side Of Brimstone

, , , | Right | May 20, 2009

(After serving them their fast food, a woman with a family of six runs up to the counter, furious.)

Customer: “You! You stacked our food wrong! Now my kids are crying!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Come look!”

(She brings me down to their table, where their three pre-teens are crying their eyes out and her husband looks incredibly frustrated.)

Customer: “Look!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t see anything wrong with your food–”

Customer: “[Child #1] is supposed to eat first, but his food is on the bottom! We won’t be able to get it without moving the other things!”

Me: “I don’t think I understand.”

Customer: “He’s the first person on the left! He has to eat first, or Satan will claim his soul!”

Me: “Uh…”

(I decide to ask counter-clockwise around the table what everyone ordered, and hand them their food out off the pile.)

Customer:, “Oh, thank you! You will serve as a warrior of God someday!”

Me: “…right.”

(That family still shows up once a month or so, and suffice to say, I always run out to see what order they’re sitting in before I serve their food.)

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Getting Lawyered By Both Lawyers

| Right | July 30, 2015

Caller: “Hi, I’m the plaintiff in a lawsuit against [Our Client]. My lawyers want to charge me a lot of money, so I was wondering if you would be my lawyers instead.”

Me: “I’m… I’m sorry, are you asking us to represent you against our own client?”

Caller: “Yeah, because then you wouldn’t have to charge me any money, right? Since you’re already getting paid to do all the work by [Our Client]?”

Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s not how it works. At all. Second, we’d be sanctioned for ethics violations just for suggesting it.”

Caller: “What the f***?! My lawyer was right. You guys are a bunch of a**holes.” *click*

(Three minutes later, his lawyer calls.)

Lawyer: “Did you just offer to represent [Caller] for free?”

Me: “No, we turned him down because, as you apparently told him, we’re a bunch of a**-holes.”

Lawyer: “He said what?! Hang on.” *speaking to someone else with his hand covering the phone* “[Caller], I’m resigning as your counsel. Get the f*** out of my office.” *back to me* “I’ll be in touch about this later.” *click*

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Deceptive Desserts

, , , , | Right | March 16, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, but I have a complaint to make.”

Me: “Oh, sure. What’s the matter?”

Customer: “I heard a group of teenagers over there talking, and they said the cake that you serve is a lie.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What exactly do you have to say for yourselves?! I come in here, expecting to find a decent establishment, only to find out you are selling fake food!”

Me: “Um, ma’am. They were repeating a popular phrase from the internet. I can assure you, the cake that we sell very much exists.”

Customer: “Prove it! Show me this cake.”

Me: *points*

Customer: “Oh. In that case, you should write a letter to the internet about how they’re making up rumors about your products.”

Me: “I’ll… I’ll do that. Thank you.”

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