(The restaurant I work at is closed Thanksgiving and Christmas, and has been doing so for 20 years. Every year, we get at least one call the day after each complaining. It is December 26th.)

Caller: “Hi. I tried coming to your restaurant yesterday but the lights were all out, the doors were locked, and nobody answered your phones!”

Me: “We were closed yesterday.”

Caller: “But you guys are never closed on Christmas!”

Me: “Sir, we’ve been closed on Christmas and Thanksgiving every year since we opened.”

Caller: “Liar! I DEMAND to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Sir, I am currently the only one in right now. I can give you the owner’s number if you like.”

Caller: “NO! I DON’T WANT TO SPEAK TO THE OWNER! I WANT A MANAGER!”

Me: “I am the manager on duty. If you call back at about 11, the mid-shift manager will be in and you can speak with him if you don’t want to speak to me.”

Caller: “I want free food because you people locked the doors and wouldn’t let me in yesterday!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t give you free food because you came by on one of the two days of the year we are closed.”

Caller: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “Do you work somewhere that closes on certain days?”

Caller: “Yeah! I work for the bank!”

Me: “So, if I called in on a Monday and demanded free services because I had come by the Sunday before and you were closed, what would you do?”

Caller: “I would laugh at you and hang up.”

Me: “Well, then, I guess that’s as good a plan as any.”

(I laugh at him and hang up.)

This story is part of the Boxing Day roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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(There are two construction workers in my house to put down a wall. Worker #1 speaks French and English, but Worker #2 speaks only English. Note: I’m a female woodworker; also, my first language is french, but I’m perfectly bilingual.)

Worker #1: *in French* “I forgot the backsaw in the van. I’ll be back.”

Me: “Oh there’s no need to go back. I have one here.”

Worker #1: “What? You have a backsaw? And you’re a woman? Woah, we don’t see that often!”

(I point to the sliding miter saw in the corner of my living room)

Me: “Yeah, I have a few different saws here.”

(He pokes the shoulder of Worker #2 and points to me.)

Worker #1: *in English* “Hey, she’s a woodworker! Can you believe it? Seriously, look at her! I can’t believe she can even lift a plank of wood. Do you think she can use a power tool correctly? I mean, look at her miter saw; it’s as big as her. No way she can use this to craft anything. It would be better if she gave these tools to her boyfriend and focused on a real woman job!”

Me: *in English* “Just so you know, I’m bilingual. And for your information, I’m as capable as you to use power tools. I’m also sure my landlord didn’t send you here to belittle me, so would you please stop talking about me and go ahead with the job you’re paid for?”

Worker #1: “Uh… that’s not what I meant… I mean… uh… you look intelligent for a woman…”

(One of my favorite parts of my job is when our adoptable cats from the local shelter get new homes and I get to see a happy family take home their new furry friend. The shelter we work with often has special holiday adoption fees; one of them is $14 for Valentine’s Day. The weekend of Valentine’s Day, a mom and her son, who I’d peg between seven and nine years old, come in to adopt a cat they’ve been visiting in the store for a week. The shelter volunteer runs the paperwork and gets everything set. Then…)

Volunteer: “Okay, that’ll be fourteen dollars please!”

Son: “I wanna pay for it!”

([Volunteer] and I watch as the little boy digs around in his pockets, pulling out crumpled $1s and $5s until he has enough, and hands the pile to [Volunteer].)

Son: *proudly* “I saved my allowance for two weeks to be able to adopt her!”

(I have tears in my eyes, and I can see [Volunteer] does too as she takes the small pile of crumpled bills and smooths them out. The little boy’s mother is absolutely beaming at her son.)

Volunteer: “All right, it looks like you’re all set—”

Son: “Oh, wait a sec!” *digs in his pocket, pulls out another $1 bill and hands it to [Volunteer]* “I saved up an extra dollar to donate to the rest of the animals.”

(I couldn’t believe how sweet and mature this little boy was. On their way out I told his mother she should be very proud of her son, and she assured me she was. I know that kitty went to a very loving home, and I hope that little boy stays this sweet and kind his whole life!)

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(I am sweeping, cleaning off all the phones and in the process of shutting the lights off. Two minutes before we close, someone decides to walk in. They want to do an upgrade and sign a new 2 year contract; this is a process that takes up to 30 minutes.)

Customer: “…I’m also looking to get a new phone on my plan.”

Me: “Great! Looking to do an upgrade on a current line or adding a new one?”

Customer: “Update or whatever you call it.”

Me: “Sounds good. Are you eligible?”

(I should have checked, but it’s late and I take his word for it.)

Customer: “Yep, I know which one I want. This one!” *points to a brand new smartphone*

Me: “Okay, let me get that phone from the back and I’ll ring you up right here.”

(After getting the phone, getting it set up and ringing it up, it shows the phone is full retail price because he is currently still in contract.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like you are not eligible. In fact, you’ve only had that phone for 3 months. If you’d like to purchase this new phone today, it will be $560.00 full retail.”

Customer: “What!? I don’t have that kind of money. It says right on the sign that it’s only $50! I only want to pay that.”

Me: “The $50 price is for customers who are eligible to upgrade their phones. They get a discounted price for signing a two year contract, like you did three months ago.”

Customer: “I never signed no f***ing contract! Now, give me the new phone at that price. That’s false advertising.”

Me: “Sir, my system won’t let me. You are not eligible.”

Customer: “You are just as greedy at Satan himself. Liars! I am calling the [cellphone company] president tomorrow and getting you fired and your f***ing store shut down!” *storms out*

Coworker: “Drinks on me tonight?”

Me: “Thought you’d never ask.”

(I am waiting for the bus outside my school and notice a piece of paper sellotaped to a wall. There is graffiti on the wall, too, and I start reading.)

Graffiti #1: “Rovers [the local school’s team name] are s***t”

Graffiti #2: “no there not you’re mom was s*** last night :P”

Paper Someone Left: “Sorry to interrupt, but you do realise that you are using the wrong spelling, which could make your message hard to understand? First of all, add a capital letter to ‘No’ and a full stop at the end. Secondly, you should have used ‘they’re’ as in ‘they are’ instead of ‘there’, and ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’, which means ‘you are’. The first guy only missed a full stop, whereas you made many grammar mistakes. This is grammar you should have learned in primary school. Personally, I believe that the only s*** person, if any, is you. P.S. to the owner of this house: sorry about the graffiti those guys did. I would have written, too, if it wasn’t on someone’s wall.”

(Most of the students here are annoying brats, but at least now I know some are worth paying attention to!)

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