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Called It Quits

| Learning | April 1, 2014

(I’m on a field trip with my school. I’m sharing a room with two friends, so it gets a little crazy during the night. However, we keep quiet and reasonably calm. During the night, the phone rings. We ignore it, thinking it was a wrong number. However, we hear the girls in the room next to us giggling.)

Friend #1: “Ugh, are they calling everyone? They’re so annoying.”

Me: “If they call again, hand the phone to me.”

Friend #2: “Why? What are you gonna do?”

Me: “You’ll see.”

(We wait, and they call again a couple minutes later. I pick up the phone.)

Me: “This is Mrs. [Teacher]. If you don’t stop calling people, we will call your parents to get you. Goodnight.”

(We could hear the girls next door get quiet. During breakfast the next morning, they were all sitting silently and avoiding eye contact with the teachers. Later on the bus, I start talking with one.)

Teacher: “Yeah, we heard some people were calling other rooms, but they said they called a teacher by accident. Funny thing is none of us got a call all night.”

Me: “Uhm… that might have been me.”

(I told her what happened. She laughed, and bought me lunch that day.)

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I Hear The Gossip Columns Are Juicy

, , , | Right | February 18, 2009

(A customer walks in with a very full backpack.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade you.”

Me: “Um, we don’t actually trade things; we sell food.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve got this whole bag of stuff for you.”

(He opens the bag and shows me magazines, forks, and spoons.)

Me: “Sir, you have to use money to buy the food.”

Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

(I call the manager, who walks over.)

Customer: “Come on, man. This magazine must be worth at least… carrots.”

Manager: “Here’s a trade for you: money for food.”

Customer: *walks out*

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A Face For Every Occasion

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2009

(A customer is getting a beauty treatment done and is trying to work out why she has skin problems.)

Customer: “I just don’t understand it. I take really good care of my skin. I get facials and I only use really good make-up.”

Me: “Well, the problem could be caused by something really simple, like an allergic reaction. Have you always used the same brand of make-up?”

Customer: “Yes, and I only use the best! I can’t be allergic! I don’t ever use the cheap stuff!”

Me: “It’s probably something else, then. What do you use to remove your make-up?”

Customer: “Like… what?”

Me: “When you take off your make up at night, what do you use?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “Do you use a cleanser or soap and water?”

Customer: “I don’t take it off. Are you supposed to?”

Me: “Well, yes. Make-up can cause damage to your pores if you wear it constantly. Why don’t you take it off?”

Customer: “In case I have to answer my door when I’m asleep.”

Me: “In your sleep?”

Customer: “Don’t judge my social life! You probably don’t have many friends!”

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Completin’ Ain’t Cheatin’

| Right | September 20, 2012

(My coworker is showing a customer a series of trivia games. Each revolves around a different subject: science, geography, presidents, etc.)

Coworker: “They’re a really fun way to learn new things, and the wide variety gives you a lot of options.”

Customer: “But what if the kids memorize all the answers?”

Coworker: “…Mission accomplished?”

Customer: “Oh… oh! Yeah, of course…”

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Very Bad Reception, Part 5

| Working | February 13, 2014

(I have had an appointment with a massage therapist booked over a month in advance. A week before the appointment, I get the following phone call.)

Caller: “Hi. This is [Name] from [Spa]. I’m calling to inform you that [Therapist] has had to go out of town on [day of appointment] and we will need to reschedule you.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ll need something at the same time of day, but the day of the week doesn’t matter.”

Caller: “Oooh, unfortunately we don’t have any evening appointments left in December. You know, it’s the end of the year and everyone’s trying to use the last of their insurance benefits. If you wanted an evening appointment, you should have booked well in advance.”

Me: “…”


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