(Note: GPS systems in the area around our hotel rarely work.)

Caller: “I’m lost. How do I get to you?”

Me: “Where are you?”

Caller: “I don’t know! I’m lost!”

Me: “What are you near?”

Caller: “Bushes.”

Me: “You’re going to have to be more precise. I can’t tell where you are just by your description.”

Caller: “They’re small bushes!”

This story is part of our lost customer roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Times Airline Wish They Could Fly Away From Terrible Customers

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Read the lost customer roundup!

(I’m working the checkout counter when a cheerful old man, one of our regulars, comes to check out a book.)

Customer: “Do you also have that autobiography by [Author]?”

Me: “Let me check… Yes, we do have it. Would you like me to get it for you?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I’ll borrow it at a later date. I only ever borrow one book at a time, you know. After all, I’m in my 90s now. I might not live to return it!”

Customer: *looking directly at the draught* “What have you got on tap?”

Me: “We have Stella, Staropramen, Becks Vier, Leffe, Hoegaarden, Franziskaner and Guiness on tap, sir.”

Customer: *sighs* “Have you got Carling?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, sir…”

(I run through everything on tap again, slightly slower, and clearer this time.)

Customer: “No Budweiser?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, sir…”

(Again I list everything on draught.)

Customer: “Oh, I suppose I’ll just have a Kronenberg then.”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t stock that product, sir.”

Customer: “Sorry, I meant a Fosters.”

Me: *deep breath* “I apologise once again sir, but we don’t serve Fosters. We only serve…”

(I run through the draught again.)

Customer: “Okay, okay…bloody h***, I’m not stupid you know!”

Me: “I apologize if I offended you, sir.”

Customer: “I should think so. Pint of Worthingtons then.”

Me: “…” *deep breath* “Tom! Your customer!”

Customer: “How much is this bird?”

Me: “Sir, how did you get the bird out of the cage? The cage was locked.”

Customer: “Oh, I got this one from the birds you have outside by the door.”

Me: “Those aren’t our birds.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Sir, you picked up a wild bird. But congratulations, because I can’t imagine it was a simple task.”

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(I work in a corporate coffee shop chain. Due to some customers using way too much toilet paper, our toilets often get blocked. A customer blocks one of our toilets so badly that we close off access to it and put a big no entry sign on the door. About two hours later I’m on till when a customer come up. He can’t speak English very well.)

Customer: “Toilet.” *points to toilet* “It broke.”

Me: “Yes. That’s why we have the no entry sign and have blocked it off.”

Customer: “But it broke!”

Me: “Yes, sir. We kn—”

(I get a sinking feeling.)

Me: “You didn’t try and use it, did you?”

Customer: “Yes! I use and it broke!”

(At this point the customer comes to the realisation and slinks back to his seat. I go over and find he had torn down the barricade and forced the door open. He had not only flooded the toilet more, but also crapped right on top of the existing blockage. I tell my supervisor. I look over at the customer, who very quickly gets up and leaves, leaving us with his mess.)