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Punishment Is Not The Answer

| Learning | September 17, 2013

(Our eighth grade social studies teacher is scatterbrained and constantly forgets things.)

Teacher: “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to class! Get your notebooks out. Today’s warm up will be about Los Angeles. Start working!”

(It turns out the question is about geography, and the ANSWER is Los Angeles. Of course, she has just accidentally given us the answer.)

Teacher: “Okay, so based on the geographical clues, can anyone tell me which city this is?”

Class: *in unison* “LOS ANGELES!”

Teacher: “That was a hard question! How did you all know?”

Student: “…because you told us as we came in.”

Teacher: “I did? Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid!”

(She walks to the blackboard and starts banging her head against it.)

Student: “No, don’t hit your head. That’s not a very constructive way to punish yourself.”

Teacher: “Then what would be?”

Student: “You could punish yourself by giving us the test answers.”

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Critical About Their Marriage Is Hypocritical

| Working | August 19, 2013

(I am a petty officer on a sub tender in Norfolk, in the repair department. Our division officer is cool, but his assistant less so. One of my coworkers is a sailor, and getting married on a Friday, and had arranged to trade duties so he would be on Thursday (getting off Friday morning) instead of working Saturday, so he would have until Monday morning for his honeymoon. The Division Officer leaves for a meeting in D.C, and won’t be back until next week, leaving his assistant in charge.)

Asst. Division Officer: *to sailor* “The Div officer said that you are getting married this afternoon. Congratulations! Which church?”

Sailor: “Thanks, but no church. We are doing it at City Hall with the Justice of the Peace. The Div Officer said that I could leave right after morning training, so I could get to there before the ceremony at thirteen hundred hours.”

Asst. Division Officer: “Well, see me before you go.”

(Training is over at 10 am, and the sailor goes to the office immediately.)

Sailor: “Well, time to go, sir. Wish me luck!”

Asst. Division Officer: “Not so fast. You have to finish up these repairs before you go.” *gives him a list*

Sailor: “But sir, this will take about four hours! I’ll be late for the ceremony!”

Asst. Division Officer: “Well, then you had better hurry. I will want to inspect them before you are done.”

(Several of us hear what has happened, and pitch in to help him get the work done. We finish just before noon.)

Sailor: “Sir, all of the repairs are done. As soon as you inspect them, I will be heading out.”

Asst. Division Officer: “I won’t inspect them until the end of the day, when I check everyone’s. Here is another list to work on.”

(The Assistant Division Officer hands him a longer list.)

Sailor: “But, sir, my wedding—”

Asst. Division Officer: “YOU ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED! IF YOU WERE, YOU WOULD BE DOING IT IN A CHURCH! A CHRISTIAN CHURCH! SINCE YOU AREN’T, ALL YOU ARE GOING TO BE DOING IS F******, AND THAT IS A SIN! I have been married for seven years now, and I won’t have you defiling the sanctity of my marriage by claiming to be married outside of a church!”

Sailor: “But sir, my fiancé—”

Asst. Division Officer: “SHE IS NOT YOUR FIANCE! She is your w****! And for talking back to me, I am putting you on duty for both Saturday and Sunday!”

(Thankfully, the Justice Of The Peace was willing to wait, and married them that evening, and he got his honeymoon later. And as far as the sanctity of the Assistant Division Officer’s own marriage, somehow his wife found out about the affair he had been having with the daughter of a Rear Admiral. No idea how she could have possibly found out!)

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A Continuous Sauce Of Stress

, | Right | June 11, 2014

Customer: “Give me an extra sauce.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but I have to charge you an additional 28 cents.”

Customer: “I come here all the time! Just give me the f****** sauce!”

(I’ve worked there for three years both day and night shift and have never seen this lady.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t give you the extra sauce unless you purchase it.”

(The lady digs in her purse and pulls out some change. I hand her the sauce.)

Customer: “Can I have a cup of water?”

Me: “We charge for our cups as well. It would be 28 cents.”

(I’m trying to hold back a smile as the customer glares at me.)

Customer: “Have a good f****** night, b****!”

(I smile at her politely.)

Me: “Thank you, ma’am! I hope you have a wonderful evening as well!”

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Inn-Experienced Guest, Part 3

| Right | June 3, 2011

(I am serving drinks in the hotel’s restaurant before the start of a meal.)

Guest: “Can I charge this to room 1?”

Me: “Actually, no. You can’t.”

Guest: “Why ever not?”

Me: “Because that’s actually my room.”

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Some People Need To Stay At Arm’s Length

| Friendly | March 3, 2014

(It is late at night, and we are going back to our car after a long night. There are six of us: five have been best friends since high school and the sixth person is a new friend of ours. I’m considered a bit of an oddball and can get on people’s nerves, which the new person has made quite clear. We also happen to be walking through a very bad part of town.)

New Friend: “Ugh… you are so annoying! You should consider yourself lucky that we don’t ditch you somewhere.”

Friend #1: *to New Friend* “Dude, stop whining already. You’ve been at it all day.”

New Friend: “I’m just saying [My Name] needs to learn how to behave. I don’t know why you all keep him around.”

(At that moment a drunk stranger comes up and cops a feel of one of our female friends. The new friend, who is standing right next to her, backs away scared. I step up and grab the guy’s arm, lifting it up, with my best poker face.)

Me: “Ooh! I’ve been looking for an arm to add to my collection. Hope you don’t mind me taking yours!”

(The stranger freaks out and runs away. The new friend looks at me like I’m crazy.)

Friend #2: “And that is why we hang out with him. You can sit in the back, [New Friend]!”

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