Old man: “Well, I’d like three slices, all meat, and a Coke.”

Me: “Is Pepsi okay? We don’t serve Coke anymore.”

Old man: “WHAT?! YOU DON’T SERVE COKE? ANYMORE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?”

Me: “Well, we used to sell both brands. It was just far too expensive to keep both stocked when most people aren’t devastated by not having Coke.”

Old man: “THAT’S ABSURD! WHO DOESN’T SELL COKE?! THAT’S INSANITY!”

Me: (I’m now egging him on and holding back laughter) “Well… you can go next door. The convenience store probably sells Coke, but I can’t guarantee it.”

Old man: “That’s what I’ll do! You won’t get my $0.75!”

Me: “Umm… okay. I’ll have your pizza in just a minute.”

His Wife: “Don’t mind him. He’s crazy.”

Old Man: “Shut it! What kind of a day and age is it when you don’t sell Coke? It’s just plain un-American.”

Me: “You know, Coke cans are red… like communism. ”

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(A customer comes to check out with a basket of art supplies, including a pad of drawing paper. The customer hands me the other items, but stands there holding a shopping list and the paper, looking back and forth between them and frowning.)

Me: “The paper, too?”

Customer: “Will this work?”

(The customer’s list has ’12 x 18′ written on it.)

Customer: “How do I know if this will work?”

Me: “The paper cover says ’18 x 12.'”

Customer: “But she wrote ’12 x 18!'”

Me: “… well, she didn’t specify the kind of paper or the kind of pad, just the size. This is the same size; she just wrote it a different way.”

Customer: “Oh, but, I don’t know!” *very anxious* “How can you be sure?”

(My coworker sees the confusion and comes over.)

Coworker: “Did you have a question?”

Customer: “I’m supposed to buy ’12 x 18,’ but I can only find ’18 x 12.'”

Coworker: “…uh, you should be fine. See, you can hold it two ways, so it doesn’t really matter which side the binding is on. You can always cut the drawings out. It’s the same size paper.”

Customer: “This is just so perplexing to me!”

Customer: “My son is doing a project and he needs something that looks like a window. Are laminate pouches see-through without being heated?”

Me: “Not really. They are kind of frosty.”

(I take one out to show her.)

Customer: “Oh, shoot. It’s not clear enough.”

Me: “Well, I can put it through the laminator for you. It doesn’t have to have anything in it in order to seal it.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, once it goes through it will just look like a thin sheet of plastic and it will be completely see-through.”

Customer: “Okay, how much would 5 11″x17″ sheets cost?”

(I tell her the price.)

Customer: “Wow! That’s really expensive for laminating sheets that don’t even have anything in them!”

Me: “They are the same price whether you have something in them or not.”

Customer: “Why?!”

Me: “Because if you had something in it, you would be supplying it, not us. When you get something laminated, you are just paying for the pouch itself, not the stuff inside it.”

Customer: “Hmm, I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to pay that much. I mean, I’m not even putting anything in them.”

Me: “But if you put something in them they won’t look like windows anymore.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I just don’t understand why it’s so much when you’re not even putting anything in the pouches.”

Me: “Because you don’t pay for the stuff that goes in the pouches.”

Customer: “Nope, I’ll think of something else. It’s too expensive for not putting anything in them!”

(The software our hotel systems use has an IT help line. One night I notice the guest receipts not printing correctly, and call.)

Helpdesk: “Hello. What’s your problem?”

Me: “The receipts have suddenly stopped printing correctly. The numbers are everywhere.”

Helpdesk: “Okay. Let’s see… hmm… Let’s try this… Nope… um… Okay. This is a problem I cannot fix!”

Me: “You… can’t fix?”

Helpdesk: “Nope! This issue will be marked as ‘unfixable.’ A survey will be sent to your location on how we did to help. Anything else I CAN help you with?”

(I am stunned. They did send a survey. We marked them all as poor. That was more than a year ago and to this day, the receipts still print incorrectly.)

(Ever since a particular Oscar-winning film has been released, our services have been quite popular.)

Me: “Hello, [Elocution Lessons]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I need some electrocution lessons for my husband.”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. We can arrange some elocution lessons.”

Caller: “How much do you charge for electrocution?”

Me: “Prices are [price], ma’am. Forgive me for saying so, but it is pronounced elocution, not electrocution. They mean significantly different things.”

Caller: “I was calling for you to electrocute my husband! Not me!”

Me: “I apologise, I was not–”

Caller: “Stop correcting me and just electrocute my husband!”

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