No Kidding About The Kid, Part 2

| Right | March 24, 2015

(The store I work at is on a busy street with a lot of bars and very little available parking, so a lot of non-customers will illegally park in our lot despite the numerous signs. A tow company comes by on the busier evenings and take the cars of those not in the store to their lot. I often have to handle irate people who are angry about their car being towed and the release charges. At about 11:30 pm, a woman stumbles into the store, obviously inebriated, and demands to know where her car is.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if you were not in our store while your car was parked in our lot it was most likely towed.”

Her: “Are you f****** kidding me? I was only gone two hours… What gives you the right to take my car?!”

Me: “Well, per our signs in the lot, you cannot park there unless you are patronizing our store. It was a tow company that took your car.”

Her: “This is bullshit! You crooks took my car and I bet my iPad will be missing from it, too!”

Me: “I doubt that, but here is the number of the tow company for you to call.”

Her: “Ugh, my kids are probably still in there, too!”

Me: *praying I’ve misheard her* “Excuse me, did you say YOUR KIDS?!”

Her: “Yeah. God d*** it; this is f****** unbelievable!”

Me: “Sure is… Tell you what; I’ll call the company for you because you seem a little upset.”

Her: “Yeah, DO THAT. It’s your job!”

(I called the tow company to ask if they’d found her kids. They had, recently, and had them warming up in the office. It is late February.)

Me: “Hey… can you write down your name and plate number in case your, um, iPad is missing?”

Her: “D*** right! You’ll hear from my lawyer if it isn’t!”

(As soon as she left in a cab, I called the police and explained the situation. They met her at the tow lot and arrested her.)

 

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Helping The Needy

, , , , | Learning | October 31, 2009

(To make the day more interesting, I am asking the prospective students about their Halloween.)

Me: “So how was your Halloween? Did you dress up?”

Student Caller: “I was Spock, of course.”

Me: “Awesome. Live long and prosper.”

Student Caller: “The needs of the many…”

Me: “…are greater than the needs of the few.”

Student Caller: “Or the one.”

*long pause*

Student Caller: “Marry me?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Student Caller: “What, is this moving too fast for you? Okay, how about a date? Coffee? I can be there in four hours!”

Me: “Uhh… I don’t think this is appropriate. If you have any questions, you can call the office of admissions-”

Student Caller: “Wait! I need to tell my mom I’ve met the future Mrs. Finkler!”

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A Penny For Your Loud Thoughts

| Right | January 11, 2013

(The place where I work offers ‘extended protection’ plans for select items. The plans are typically 10% the cost of the item, meaning if the item is $19.99, the plan costs $1.99. Because of this, I often just round up to the next whole dollar amount when citing the price of the item, then point out it’s a penny less if they opt to purchase it. It’s never been an issue before now. The customer is a middle-aged woman who has been very pleasant, thus far.)

Me: “It looks as though this item comes with the option of an extended protection plan, beyond that of the manufacturer’s warranty. It only costs $3 and gives you another year in case anything goes wrong.”

Customer: “Sure!”

Me: “Okay!” *adds the plan* “Also, it actually only costs $2.99, so you—”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “What? F*** you! No! I don’t want it! Never mind!”

Me: “…um, okay? But, so you’re aware, that’s less than what I said it would—”

Customer: “You! You said it would cost $3! YOU LIED JUST TO GET MY MONEY!” *jabs her finger towards my chest*

Me: “I promise you, ma’am, that wasn’t—”

Customer: “Shut the h*** up! I said no! You are trying to charge me more than what you said it would cost!”

(At this point, the customer standing behind her speaks up. She is a regular, and just celebrated her 87th birthday the week prior.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, for the love of Pete, you idiot! $2.99 is less than $3, not more! She just saved you a penny! And shame on you, standing here, screaming at her like this! What would your mother think? Now you apologize to this girl, buy the d*** plan, and get out of line! I’m missing my shows because of your shenanigans!”

(At this point, the other customer shuts up, pays for her items, and slinks off without another word.)

Me: *awestruck* “Thank you, for that. That was amazing.”

Regular Customer: *pats my hand and smiles* “It was nothing, dear. Honestly! No respect. That’s what’s wrong with people today!”

(I told my manager about the incident some hours later. The next time the regular came into the store? There was a $50 gift card waiting for her, as thanks from all of us.)

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The Devil To Pay

, , , , , | Right | December 7, 2009

Me: “Your total is [amount].”

Customer: “Here is my coupon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, this expired last week.”

Customer: “What? What do you mean?”

Me: “It expired last week.”

Customer: “You witch devil! I can’t believe you changed the date!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You can magically alter dates, you devil!”

Me: “I don’t think I have that sort of power.”

(Upon hearing the commotion, my manager comes over.)

Customer: *to my manager* “You have a witch devil here! I’m going to have to bring the lord into this!”

(The customer pulls out a bobblehead Jesus and puts in on my counter.)

Customer: “I will return when the date of this coupon is the correct date!”

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Pun(ch) Drunk

| Learning | July 28, 2013

(We’re sitting in a law course, and discussing ethics in current events.)

Student #1: “…I mean, just the other day, I read this article about a restaurant that got in trouble for serving rubbing alcohol in its mixed drinks.”

Student #2: “Really?”

Student #1: “Yeah, they were refilling their brand-name liquor bottles with isopropyl alcohol to cut down on costs.”

Student #2: “Man, that’s just not ethical.”

Student #1: “You mean that’s just not ethanol.”

Everyone: “…”

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