Great stories from our entire backlog!

Affirmed

| Working | May 28, 2012

(I’m the only female who works at this particular comic book store. My boss isn’t particularly happy that I was hired because I’m a woman, and he’s made backhanded and insulting comments since the day I started working there.)

Customer: “It’s a pretty refreshing change to see a woman here.”

Me: “Thank you, sir. I’m glad I could help you! I think you’ll really be pleased with your selection.”

Customer: *to my boss* “She was really great. She knew more about the Justice League than I ever did! She introduced me to a couple new lines too. Good job hiring her!”

My Boss: *in a condescending tone* “Yes, well, she’s our affirmative action, if you get what I’m saying.”

Me: *to customer* “Here you go, sir. I also included an invite for our free comic book day in a couple of weeks, I hope you can make it back over. We’ll have some I think you’ll really like!”

Customer: “Thank you! You were a fantastic help.” *to my boss* “Perhaps you should be careful how you speak about your employees. You could offend someone.”

My Boss: *brushes it off* “Yeah, okay…”

(A week later, my boss was fired. Turns out the customer was the owner’s brother doing a little secret shopping for him!)

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The Law Of Telemarketing

, | Working | May 25, 2015

(While interning for my college’s police department, I occasionally cover the dispatcher’s restroom breaks if they are alone. The following occurs in one such instance.)

Me: “[College] District police department. Do you have an emergency?”

Telemarketer: “Good evening, sir! I’m calling with [Company] home furnishings. I’m going to sell you a wonderful—”

Me: *interrupting* “Sir, did you not hear the part about police department?”

Telemarketer: “Of course I’m listening to you, sir. Now, I’d like to talk to you about—”

Me: “Sir, you’ve called a police department’s emergency line. If you do not have an emergency, you need to hang up and remove this number from your system.”

Telemarketer: “Of course, sir. Do you wish your sofas we—”

Me: “All right, sir, you’ve left me no choice. I’m now activating the Public Safety Time Wasting system. Your company has now been charged $100 for a fraudulent call, and will be charged an additional $25 per minute until you disconnect.”

Telemarketer: *now actually paying attention* “WAIT! What? What number did I call?”

Me: “Sir, you called the [College] District police department’s emergency line. As I’ve said, your company is now being charged $100 plus—”

Telemarketer: *click*

(And no, despite the wishes of many a public safety dispatcher, there is no way to actually charge more for fraudulent calls to 911 or other emergency numbers.)

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A Double Take Is Required

| Learning | February 6, 2014

(I am a twin, and our names are rather similar. I have just gotten my grades and am shocked to find I have received a ‘D’ in gym class. I go to the teacher.)

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure why I got a ‘D’ in class?”

Teacher: “Well, you never dress for class and always find a way to not participate.”

Me: *shocked* “What do you mean?! I always dress, and I might not be the most athletic but I try!”

Teacher: “You never dress for your fourth period class.”

Me: “Sir… I don’t have fourth period gym. I have it first. Wait! Sir, you DO realize I am a twin right? [Sister] has gym fourth period.”

(The teacher ACTUALLY thought I had gym twice a day and only dressed for the first period. Once he checked the names he adjusted my grade and apologized repeatedly!)

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Will Not Be Moved

| Right | August 29, 2014

(I’m working the register at a grocery store when a mother and her 10-year-old son start unloading their cart. As I’m finishing with the customer before them, I hear the boy continually trying to finish his mother’s sentences, occasionally getting them right and prompting her to say, ‘Hey! Stop predicting the future!’ Their turn comes up and we exchange the usual greeting pleasantries. I address the boy.)

Me: “So you’re trying to tell the future, huh?”

Boy: *matter-of-factly* “Uh-huh! I’m trying to learn all kinds of stuff, like telepathy and telekinesis.”

(I happen to be Pagan with some mystic friends who taught me a few tricks. Plus, despite being a humanities major, I spent a good deal of college reading up on quantum theory.)

Me: “Well, you know the secret to telling the future, right?”

Boy: “Um…”

Me: “It’s not about seeing the future, it’s remembering the future.”

Boy: “Huh?”

(I explain to him the theory that all time happens at once but the human brain only perceives it as moving in one direction, meaning the future is already here and we just don’t remember it yet.)

Me: “So what you’ve got to do in the future is bundle up what you’re trying to remember and send it back in time to yourself. I’ve been training myself to do it for years and now I can sort of remember emotions from situations I haven’t experienced yet. It’s a good thing you’re starting so young. Maybe by the time you’re my age you’ll be able to remember words, too!”

Boy: “… I think I’ll stick to learning telekinesis.”

Me: “Ah, that’s slightly trickier. What you have to do there is learn how to mentally manipulate the electromagnetic attraction between certain objects.”

Boy: “… Never mind, then.”

(As they left, the mother was chuckling to herself and the boy looked both confused and dejected. Hopefully he had better luck with telepathy!)

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Not Quite The Fastest Bullet In The Barrel

| Right | November 17, 2015

(I work at the firearm counter. We always keep all of our .22 ammunition in a case where our .45 handguns are. Since there’s a .22 “shortage” going on I’ve had quite a few people ask where the .22’s are. Two guys approach me.)

Customer #1: “Where’s y’alls .22?”

Me: “We keep them right over in this case.” *points at .45 case*

Customer #1: “I’m talking about bullets.”

Me: “They’re right here.” *points again*

Customer #1: *talking to me as if I am dumb* “Nooooo, those are guns. I’m looking for bullets!”

Me: “Like I said, right here.” *points again*

Customer #1: “Nooooo! I’m talking about bullets. These are guns.”

Customer #2: “Hey, look, there’s actually .22 ammo in the case.”

Customer #1: *face turns red* “Uh… oh, there is.”

Me: “I take my apologies verbally, sir.”

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