No Need To Get Cheeky

| Working | May 30, 2013

(I’m teaching a new employee how to make a salad. One of the ingredients is an apple.)

Me: “So, you will slice the apple in half, then quarter it. If you want, you can eat the other half, or put it in the tin with salad so it doesn’t get brown.”

(Later on, I see him walking around. To my surprise, he has stuffed his cheeks full like a chipmunk.)

Me: “What are you eating?”

New Employee: “Apple, and I don’t think I can eat any more.”

Me: “Why are you trying to eat all of them?!”

New Employee: “You said I could!”

(It turned out that he forgot that he could save the other half of the apple. He had been trying to eat the other half of every order we’d gotten that night!)

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The Customer Is Not Always Bright

| Working | March 6, 2014

(I am a clerk at a convenience store. The district manager just happens to be at the store today. We have had a lot of stupid customers. During a slow period I turn to him.)

Me: “We need to install devices on the perimeter of the property that doesn’t allow people in unless they have an IQ of at least 70.”

District Manager: “We can’t afford to lose all the business.”

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Test Driving Back To The Fifties

| Working | January 13, 2015

(While we are shopping for a used car, my husband hears me range from humor to anger about the chauvinistic salesmen talking down to me. At one dealership, the salesman pops the hood and goes into a detailed discussion of the engine with my husband. He then pulls me to the passenger side to discuss the vanity mirror, cup holder, and car color. The salesman then hands my husband the keys for a test ride. His mouth falls open when hubby gives me the keys and gets in the passenger seat. He is actually pacing outside when we return. He runs over to us.)

Salesman: “How did she handle?”

Me: “We’re not buying it. It needs a new transmission, the steering pulls to the right, the brake rotors have been resurfaced incorrectly, and it leaks antifreeze.”

(As we turn to leave, my husband calls back to the dumbstruck chauvinist.)

Husband: “But I absolutely looooove the vanity mirror!”

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He Keeps Coming Back And Back And Back To The Future

| Right | July 29, 2015

Caller: “Yeah, hi, I have a 1995 Olds Cutlass. I was wondering if you could tell me the price and availability on a new flux capacitor?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, did you say “flux capacitor”?”

Caller: “Yes, that’s right, for a ’95 Olds Cutlass.”

(If you don’t already know, the flux capacitor is a made up ‘part’ from the ‘Back to the Future’ movies, the component that “makes time travel possible”)

Me: *obviously thinking I’m being messed with* “Haha, seriously, what can I do for you?”

Caller: “I said I need a flux capacitor. My car is running like crap. My buddy is a mechanic and told me I needed a new one.”

(We get a lot more prank calls in auto parts stores than most people realize. Very rarely do we get something original; it’s always the same thing, and to make matters worse, these people are very dedicated to trying to make us look or feel stupid.)

Me: *at this point I can tell this guy is determined to break me* “I’m sorry sir, but your friend is obviously mistaken, as the flux capacitor does not exist. It was made up for a movie, so unless your car is an ’85 Delorean, capable of time travel, you do not need a flux capacitor.”

Caller: “Listen, my buddy has been working on cars his entire life, and if he says that’s what I need, then that’s what I need. I’ve told you twice my car is a ’95 Cutlass.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it sounds like your friend is trying to pull one over on you, as I’ve already explained, the part you are looking for does not exist. You may want to call him and ask what is really wrong with your car, or take it to a reliable mechanic that can properly diagnose your problem.”

Caller: “Oh, I’m gonna call him, and you’re not gonna be happy when I have HIM call you to get this part!” *click*

(About 20 minutes later, one of my coworkers answers the phone, I hear him say, “Yeah he’s here; I’ll get him for you,” and hands me the phone.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I called you earlier about the ’95 Olds Cutlass. Well, I talked to my buddy again. He said he’s been doing this stuff longer than you’ve been alive and that if you know what’s good for you, you will stop wasting my time and his and look me up a d*** flux capacitor!”

Me: “You know what? You’re right. After our last conversation, I jumped into my Delorean, went back and got the cataloging department to fix there mistake and put it in the computer. Now when I look it shows that I have on in stock for $299.99!”

Caller: “Funny how your story has changed after I called my buddy again. But that price is outrageous; I can get it cheaper down the street.” *click*

(Two hours go by without hearing from him again, until he walks in the store.)

Customer: “Are you the guy I talked to about the flux capacitor for my ’95 Cutlass?”

Me: “Yep, that was me.”

Customer: “Well apparently, you’re the only place in town that has one, so I’ll be needing that now.”

Me: *blink*

Customer: “Well, are you gonna get it or not?”

Me: “You’re obviously very dedicated to this joke, but if you wouldn’t mind I really have a lot to do today and don’t have the time to stand here humoring you on this.”

Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? Give me my d*** part and I’ll be on my way; you’re the one wasting MY time!”

Me: “Sir, as I explained to you over the phone, the flux capacitor was a made up part, for a series of time travel movies. This is the component of the time machine that makes time travel possible. It does not exist in the real world; it is not a part on your car or any other car. One of two things is happening here: either you have nothing better to do with your time other than making my day difficult by insisting on continuing on with this less than original prank, or your buddy is messing with you, wasting your time and mine, and trying to make you look like a fool. If that’s the case, I can’t help you other than suggesting you find a new friend.”

Customer: *becoming enraged* “I f***ing called you and you told me you had it in stock. Now you’re gonna stand there and tell me that not only do you not have one, but you’re going to try telling me that it doesn’t exist and accuse my friend of lying to me?! I’m calling your company to file a complaint! You haven’t heard the last from me! I’ll be back with my buddy and you’ll be sorry!”

(10 minutes later…)

Customer: *walks back in the store* “Listen I talked to him again, and he says if you don’t sell me my flux capacitor, he’s going to come down here and physically make you get it off the shelf. He wasn’t too happy when I told him what you said about him!”

(At this point I finally realize that he is not messing around; his friend did in fact tell him that he needed a flux capacitor, and he truly believed it.)

Me: *handing him my cell phone with a Back to the Future Wikipedia page loaded up* “Sir, before we continue this conversation, could I please ask you to read this?”

Customer: *reads a few minutes, then hands me my phone* “I have to make a phone call…

(He walks out of the store and pulls out his cell phone. At this point all four of the people I’m working with come out of their hiding places laughing in astonishment of what’s going on unable to believe how well I’m keeping my composure. We watch him outside pacing and yelling into his phone for about five minutes, before he re-enters the store.)

Customer: “Yeah… can I please have an ignition module for a ’95 Olds Cutlass?”

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Makes You Want To Run A Mile In No One’s Shoes

| Right | October 5, 2013

(I’m working alone at a smaller store in a well-known local chain. Only two of the 20 locations in the state sell shoes, but people always ask. I’m ringing up a customer when the phone rings.)

Me: “Sorry, I have to grab that.”

Customer: “Okay! No problem.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [store] in Kent; how can I help you?”

(Silence.)

Me: “Hello, you’ve reached [store] in Kent.”

Caller: *screaming* “HI, DO YOU GUYS HAVE SHOES?”

Me: “Sorry, no, the only stores that have shoes are [location] and [location].”

Caller: “ARE YOU SURE?”

Me: “…yeah, you have to go to either [location] or [location] if you want shoes.”

Caller: “I DON’T LIKE THAT ANSWER.”

Me: “Sorry, but that’s the only one I have for you. Anything else I can do for you tonight?”

Caller: “NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN! UGH!” *click*

Me: “Well, okay then…”

Customer: *laughing* “Sounds like you’re having a great night so far!”

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