Criminals Shouldn’t Like It Too Hot

, | Right | February 27, 2016

(I work at a very popular donut shop and work alone to close at 10 pm. It is 9:55 pm Sunday night and I have had a very crabby day. The floor is freshly mopped with wet floor sign out, half the lights are out, the back of the restaurant is dark, all the leftover donuts moved to a rolling rack. Obvious to anyone with two brain cells to rub together that the store is getting ready to close.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: *looks around for a good 2 minutes* “Yeah, ugh, can I get some HOT glazed donuts?”

(I proceed to reach for the glazed donuts on the rack.)

Customer: “No! I said the hot ones!”

Me: “Sir, it is closing time and we will not have any more made until 6:00 am. If you like there is a microwave behind you to wa—”

Customer: “No, you stupid b****! Get your lazy a** back there and make me my donuts!”

(I flip the switch to turn the lights on in the kitchen behind me.)

Me: “You see all that equipment back there? The industrial sized mixers, donut cutters the size of the interior of a Buick, and conveyor belt oven and glazer that takes up half the kitchen? You really think I am going to go back there and turn all that on to make you two hot glazed donuts?!”

Customer: “Yeah, b****! You want me to come over that counter and MAKE you?!”

Me: “I’m sorry; store is closed. I need you to leave so I can lock the doors.”

(What the customer didn’t know is during his threatening rant, the officer that came most nights for his night shift, usually earlier but was late that night, heard the whole exchange. Right before he crawled over the counter the officer grabbed him. Guy ended up having priors for assault and had a warrant for his arrest.)

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The Avocado Monologues

| Right | July 20, 2011

(I am stacking the oranges, which is next to the shelf of avocados. A very well-dressed woman in her 40s comes over and starts feeling the avocados while talking to herself loudly.)

Customer: “Wouldn’t you just hate to be an avocado?”

(The woman continues feeling up the avocados.)

Customer: “Hmm. You know what? That’s actually my biggest fear. Becoming an avocado.”

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Righteousness And Hyprocisy, Sitting In A Tree

, , | Right | June 4, 2008

(I was ringing this customer’s order up and the entire order consisted of chicken, pork chops, t-bones, and rib eyes.)

Me: “Your total is going to be [over $200].”

Customer: “Now, before I pay you, I have to say something…”

Me: “Okay?”

Customer: “I know this has no reflection on you and you more than likely can’t do anything about it, but [Store] has no right to sell live animals.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I start chuckling a little. We only sell live goldfish as feeder fish for people’s piranhas and Oscars.)

Customer: “Well, what on earth can be so funny about me saying that?”

Me: “Weeelllll, you really had no problem buying the dead animals we sell.”

Customer: “As a charter member of PETA, I resent everything you just said to me. Not only does this store sell live animals, but it sells dead ones, too?”

Me: “Yes. We sell pork, chicken, beef, bison, and several different types of fish.”

Customer: “And you see no problem with this?!”

Me: “Well, you see, as a card-carrying member of the NRA, the only problem I can see is that they don’t also offer to cook it for me, too.”

(The customer stormed off without ever paying for their stuff. My manager wound up writing me up for being less than courteous.)

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Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 2

| Right | December 9, 2013

(I work at a call center for a large car rental company, booking rentals and providing customer service. I’ve been told my voice is very robotic.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #1: “I’d like to book a rental.”

Me: “When and where would you like to pick up your rental?”

Caller #1: “I’d like to speak to a person.”

Me: “Sir, I am a person.”

Caller #1: “No, you’re the answering machine. Connect me to a person.”

Me: “No, sir. I am a real person. My name is [First Name].”

Caller #1: “STOP LYING TO ME, ROBOT!”

(The caller hangs up. Five minutes pass and my next call comes in.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #2: “Speak to an agent.”

Me: “I am an agent, sir. Would you like to schedule a booking?”

Customer #2: “Oh, wow! You sound exactly like the voice on the menus!”

 

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The Finest Shoes On Diagon Alley

| Working | February 10, 2015

(After putting buying new running shoes off for a while, because I’m still kind of embarrassed during the whole treadmill procedure, I finally get over myself and go shopping.)

Employee: *presenting a shoe to me* “So this is a very good shoe. It’s called Nimbus 16…”

Me: “Nimbus? Like the broomstick, Nimbus 2000?”

Employee: “Haha, yeah, indeed. But this is only 16; however, you’ll be just as fast as Harry, I bet!”

(After deciding this shoe was indeed the best, I am paying at the counter.)

Employee: “Would you like a bag for this?”

Me: “Yes, please. I don’t think I can fit a shoe box in my handbag.”

Employee: “Well, not unless it’s one of those magical ones, like Hermione’s.”

(Thank you awesome employee!)

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