Some Concepts, Like Squid, Are Slippery

| Right | October 26, 2011

Customer: “I’d like your grilled calamari salad, please. Also, I’d like to substitute the calamari for squid.”

Me: “Sir, calamari is Italian for squid.”

Customer: “No, no, I know the difference. Squid have tentacles, so I want that instead.”

Me: “Certainly, sir.”

(I end up having the kitchen make the salad as usual, much to the customer’s satisfaction.)

Me: “Here is your grilled squid salad, sir!”

Customer: “See, that wasn’t too hard! Thank you!”

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Dealing With The Cable Guy

| Working | April 5, 2015

(I am working 12-hour night shifts, so I am exhausted from start to finish, but I need some bits and go to an electronics store, straight from work. I wander around the store half asleep.)

Worker: “Can I help you?”

Me: *still half asleep* “Yes, I’m looking for some cable. I—”

Worker: *interrupting me* “Well, yes, I think we do sell cable here. Do you know what type of cable you might be looking for?”

Me: *deadpan* “Audio cable.”

Worker: *with attitude* “Well, that doesn’t narrow down very much! ”

Me: “Look, just fetch me six meters of paired bell wire, a male to female coax, a pack of cable pins, and drop the attitude.”

Worker: *stands there motionless, mouth open*

Me: *sweetly* “Now, please.”

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A Cut And (Blow)Dry Case Of Mistaken Identity

| Right | March 13, 2013

(I’m in the waiting room of a salon. A man walks in and approaches the receptionist. Alarmingly, he’s carrying a claw hammer.)

Man: “I need to see [name].”

Receptionist: “Let me see… do you know what she’s here for?”

Man: “B**** works here.”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, but no one works here by that name.”

Man: “She tell you to cover for her? Get her a** down here now.”

Receptionist: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Man: “Alright, you get her fat a** down here now, or I’ll learn you a thing or two. Five… four… three… two… one!”

(The second he hits one, he swings the hammer into the desk. The receptionist screams and takes cover. The man swings the hammer and yells.)

Man: “Try to take my kids from me? B****, you’re gonna get fired for sure now, come out before someone gets hurt!”

(The police respond quickly and subdue the guy. As the cops take our statements, the man is raving about how his ex-wife has taken his kids, and how this showed her, and how her boss here would fire her. The kicker? All the employees agreed they had never heard of the woman!)

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When A Firewall Just Doesn’t Cut The Mustard

, , | Right | September 18, 2010

Me: “Can you check the cable from the wall to your router?”

Customer: “What cable?”

Me: “The DSL cable. The one that goes from the phone outlet in the wall to the router.”

Customer: “That ‘wall’ you are talking about… Is that something you installed for me?”

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Continental Confusion

, | Right | February 25, 2009

Customer: “Why are these shoes made in Chile?”

Me: “Well, I would assume that Chile is where the factory is located.”

Customer: “But WHY? Where is Chile anyways?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure why, but Chile is located in South America.”

Customer: “South America? Like down by Alabama?”

Me: *facepalm*

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