Something Is Wrong With His Biology

| Learning | March 28, 2014

(I am in a general-education biology class, where we are learning about fossilization. The professor is a short, overweight man with a British accent known for saying bizarre things. My college is on the side of a steep hill.)

Professor: “And so, if I was sitting in my office one day, and a mudslide occurred, the mud would break through my window and smash me against the opposite wall.”

(Without warning, he runs across the room at full speed, slamming into the wall and falling over on his back. He lies there for a while without saying anything. Just as we are all starting to seriously wonder if he is actually hurt, he begins speaking again, still on his back.)

Professor: “And so, I’d be quite dead, and the mud would completely cover me. Once the mud dried and my body started to decompose – which might take a while, given my large mass – then perhaps minerals would start to seep into the space and leave behind a fossil, which future archaeologists would discover and put on display in the Smithsonian, with a title: ‘Fat British Scientist.'”

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A Serious Case Of Old-Timers

, , , | Right | November 10, 2010

(I am cutting the hair of an eighty-six-year-old man. He asks if I’m from the area, and I tell him I live in an apartment building nearby.)

Customer: “So, you live there with your husband?”

Me: “I live there with my boyfriend and my best friend.”

Customer: “You live with your boyfriend?”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “And you’re not married?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “But you live together?”

Me: “Right.”

Customer: “I’ve never heard of that before.”

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Not A Strong Parental Drive

| Right | September 23, 2015

(I am a technician. I am given an SUV to perform a brake job. I hop in the car and drive it into the shop when I glance in the rear view mirror and spot a small boy strapped into his carseat. He smiles and waves at me. I whip around and look at him with a dumbfounded look.)

Me: “Uhh. Why are you in here?”

Boy: “Mommy said I can stay in the car.”

Me: “I think your mother was mistaken.”

(I roll down the window and shout for my shop foreman. He walks up and his jaw drops. I un-strap the child much to his dismay, and walk him into the lobby while holding his hand.)


Me: “Don’t shout at me. Why on earth did you think leaving your son in your car was a good idea? Do you have any idea how hot it was in your vehicle by the time I got into it?!”

Mother: “He’s restless. The only time he calms down is when he can nap in the car! WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM OUT?!”

Me: “Ma’am. I am not leaving a child in a hot car five feet in the air while I perform service on it.”

Shop Foreman: “Go ahead, ma’am… Call the police, and explain to them why your son’s energy is reason enough to leave him in a hot car with the windows up… I think they might side with us.”

(She sputters profanity at us for about 30 seconds before storming out of the store looking for her car.)

Shop Foreman: *to me* “Are you gonna back her car out?”

Me: “I was thinking of going to lunch, actually.”

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Not A Pleasant Experience

| Working | January 2, 2015

(During an interview for a help-tech position with local computer store:)

Interviewer: “Well… I can see you have 20 years experience and have the relevant qualifications. But I don’t think we can employ you.”

Me: *rather taken aback* “Oh… well, okay. Thank you for being honest with me. Can I ask why?”

Interviewer: “Well, honestly, it’s because of your age. We’ve found that older people don’t really ‘get’ computers.”

Me: “We don’t really… You did say I was more than qualified, right?”

Interviewer: “Yes, that’s right. Ideally we’d prefer someone who’s a recent graduate, say in their mid 20s so they’re more ‘in-tune’ with technology, like most young people are today. Frankly, you’re too old to know anything about modern computers.”

Me: “And yet on the application it said you were looking for someone with a minimum of 10 years work experience?”

Interviewer: “Yes. that’s right. Anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “No… I’ll just go get my zimmer-frame and shuffle off now. Good luck finding someone who graduated at age 10.”

(Funnily enough, they’re still looking.)

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As Clear As Gay

| Working | June 14, 2012

(After going away on holiday, I return to work with a diamond ring on my left hand. My colleagues are coming over to congratulate me, when I’m approached by one of my senior managers.)

Manager: “Congratulations on your engagement! When is the happy day?”

Me: “Depends when we can book the venue, but both April and I have always wanted to get married in December.”

Manager: “Wait, you and April? You’re marrying a woman?!”

Me: “Well, the law stares that it’s a civil partnership, but to us it is a wedding.”

Manager: “You’re a lesbian…since when?”

Me: “Um, all my life. I’ve been with April for six years. Did you really not know I’m gay?”

Manager: “I’ve never seen indication that you were.”

Me: “So, after being a member of the LGBT network, appearing in the staff magazine explaining the rights policy, and coming into the work a month ago sun burnt from the Pride Festival, you really didn’t realise I was gay? Who did you the think the woman I brought to the Christmas party was?”

Manager: “I thought she was your sister.”

(My colleague, who has been listening to our conversation from across the room, chimes in.)

Colleague: *to my manager* “If you think that was her sister after you saw them kissing under the mistletoe, I have some questions about your family.”

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