Me: “Hello. This is [Police Station]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I live in a condo, and there is a leak in the pipes. Water is leaking behind the living room wall and building management won’t fix it.”

Me: “Okay. Why are you calling the police?”

Caller: “Well, it’s an emergency. They won’t fix it. They say it’s my problem because the leak is in my unit.”

Me: “Have you called a plumber?”

Caller: “No. It’s an emergency. That’s why I called you. If the water keeps leaking, the ceiling could fall in.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you think the ceiling is going to fall in, leave your unit and call a plumber.”

Caller: “But I need help now!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s your choice. If you think you’re in danger, leave your unit. Unless you’re being crushed by falling sheet rock, this is not a police matter. Please hang up and call a plumber.”

Caller: “So, if the ceiling falls on me, I can call you back?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks.” *click*

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(I get a call one day from my cell phone service provider, trying to help me find a ‘better’ plan to upgrade to.)

Caller: “Hi, there. I’m calling today to help you find a better plan for your phone usage.”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m quite happy with my current plan.”

Caller: “Well, I see here that last month you went over your included minutes by $3.60. I can help you upgrade to a better plan so that doesn’t happen again.”

Me: “I don’t normally go over. That was just one month. I’m fine with the plan I have.”

Caller: “But for just $15 more per month, I can upgrade you to a plan that gives you double your current amount of minutes so you won’t have to pay extra ever again!”

Me: “So, you want me to pay an extra $15 every month because I went over by $3 once?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “I’m happy with my plan, thank you. Goodbye!”

(Our restaurant is along a fairly popular tourist route. It’s not uncommon to get customers from out of the country during the summer and fall seasons. I hear my coworker having an argument with a customer.)

Coworker: “I already told you we don’t serve that here!”

Customer: “Of course you do; I can see them from here.”

Coworker: “I don’t know what you’re looking at but we don’t sell chips. If you want some that badly you can go to the gas station across the street.”

Me: “Is everything okay?”

Coworker: “This guy wants chips but we don’t sell chips! He won’t listen to me.”

Me: “Sir, you would like to order some chips today?”

Customer: “Yes please.”

(I ring the order in myself and bring the customer his ‘chips.’ He leaves happily.)

Coworker: “What the… you just gave him fries!? How—”

Me: “He’s from England; they call fries ‘chips.’ Didn’t you notice his accent?”

Coworker: “Oh… I guess he did talk kind of funny…”

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Cable box jump dog!”

Me: “Wait. Did you just say ‘cable box jump dog’?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “I… I don’t even know what that means.”

Customer: “Me neither!”

(We have small bags of granola that is made in-house in front of the register with a sign saying that it is homemade. A customer picks one up after ordering and receiving his coffee.)

Customer: “Oh wow, $2 for this?! It better be good granola!”

Me: “Well we do make it in-house.”

Customer: “Yeah, but how hard can it be? You’re not back there banging rocks or anything. What goes into it?”

Me: “Well, you mix oats and honey with nuts. Then you have to bake—”

Customer: “Oh, so you do make it yourself! That’s cool!”

(The customer leaves.)

Coworker: “What was that about?”

Me: “Whether or not we bang rocks to make our granola?”

Coworker: “Oh, of course.”