(Two customers have come in to rent some sound equipment that they need to DJ a party. I’ve given them all the basic equipment they need for the sound system.)

Me: “Is there anything else you need with your rental?”

Customer: “Yeah, we need something to make it sound better… like lights!”

Me: “…”

(Because we are an office supply store, many identity thieves and money launderers try to buy laptops from us because they assume we’ll be less vigilant than some other, more popular electronics stores. On this day, a customer we’ve seen many times before, who always uses questionable payment methods – like cards with important info scratched off, expiration dates that don’t match, etc. – comes in. Somehow he thinks we won’t recognize him, despite the fact that he comes in every two weeks. As always, he heads straight for the cooler, to buy an orange soda – which is the same thing he’s always done every time he’s come in. According to policy, we can’t refuse a customer service even if we know he’s been trying to scam us.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey, [Customer]! Good to see you again!”

Customer: “Hey! I— what? I’ve never been in here before!”

Me: “You really like that orange soda, don’t you? You get one every time you’re here! I have to admit, it IS pretty good.”

(The customer grabs a bag of chips, too, you know, because that will throw us off!)

Me: “What brings you in today?”

Customer: “I wanna buy a laptop. Just give me the cheapest laptop you have.”

(Honest customers browse the selection, ask questions about features, and pick a laptop that will work for the tasks they have planned for it. Not this guy! But I decide I’m not going to play the game of pulling a laptop from lockup, dealing with this guy’s fraudulent card, or watch him try to make a grab for the items we’re keeping behind the counter.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We’re out of that one. It’s on sale this week, so it’s pretty popular.”

Customer: “Well, then how about the next cheapest one?”

Me: “Let me check.”

(I wander around the store for a minute, and then come back up.)

Me: “Well, we had one of those, but it got returned because it’s damaged. I can’t sell it.”

Customer: “Well… how about [Brand]? Just give me any laptop you have! I don’t care what it is. Just give me one. It’s for my little brother for school.”

Me: “Yeah, you know? All these models are being cleared out for next year’s models. It doesn’t look like we have ANY in stock! But, hey! I’m pretty sure by the time you come back next week, we’ll have some. Did you want to leave us your name and phone so we can call you when we have more in stock?”

Customer: “Err, no. I’ll go somewhere else.”

(He tried to play it cool and leave the store, but we saw he had someone idling in the parking lot right outside the door. We were able to get a license plate number, make, and model, to report to the police. We bet he was going to try to make a grab for the laptop and run with it. But once he realized we all knew his face, he stopped coming in. Thank goodness!)

(I work as a pharmacy tech at a chain pharmacy. I am also currently in pharmacy school and will be a pharmacist one day.)

Customer: “You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Me: “I’m sorry. Can I help you with something?”

Customer: “No! I refuse to be helped by a high school dropout! You should be ashamed of yourself for working where children can see you! You are going to make them think that it is okay to not have an education!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am not a high school dropout. I have a high school diploma and I am currently in pharmacy school working towards a Doctor of Pharmacy. I am going to be a pharmacist one day.”

Customer: “Stop lying! I have never heard of a pharmacist before. You are a high school dropout!”

Manager: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes! Your employee is lying to me! She says she is going to be a pharmacist! That job doesn’t exist!”

(The manager looks at our pharmacist who is near tears from laughing so hard.)

Manager: “Ma’am, see the man over there? He’s the one who filled your prescription. He is a pharmacist.”

Customer: “No, he isn’t! He just counts pills! You don’t need school for that!”

This story is part of our Pharmacy Roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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(My friend and I have been out shopping during Christmas time, having a mostly good day, but we are exhausted and slightly annoyed by the treatment got at the last store we went to. We decide to call it quits for the day and head to Well Known Coffee Shop for a well-deserved coffee, but the drive-thru line is enormous. When we finally get to the speaker, this happens:)

Employee: *on the speaker, with a super deep voice* “Ah, hello there. Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get for you?”

Friend: “Hmmm, not sure yet. Gimme just onnnee second!”

Employee: “Oh, yeah, take your time. I’ve got to check on my spinach puffs anyway; don’t want them to burn.”

Friend: “…Oh?”

Employee: “Yeah, Yzma can be a cranky old crone when she is hungry. You should hear her. ‘Pull the lever, Kronk!’ It’s pretty much all she says.”

(At this point we are cracking up, so much so that my friend rolls up the window and we laugh until we start crying. When we finally regain our composure, my friend rolls the window back down.)

Friend: *trying so hard not to laugh* “Well, I’d like two [Coffees], please.”

Employee: “Coming right up! Go ahead and pull around to the first window.” *then quieter, as if he is turned away from the mic* “Yzma, is this the [Coffee] potion or the llama one again?!”

(We pulled up to the window and promptly burst into laughter. The poor guy looked embarrassed and asked if we knew what he was talking about. We told him we did, and we all had a good laugh. I went online afterward and had to search for an hour to find out how to give him positive feedback, and I made sure to massively compliment him. He made our day a hundred times better. I’ve been back many times since and it’s always been well worth the trip. Thanks for being awesome, Coffee Shop guy!)

(We sell candles and during sales usually make a mountain out of our left over stock on a display table. A young girl around age 10 has picked up one of the candles from the group, sniffed it and put it back down and began to walk away. Suddenly a loud crash sounds and several candles on the other side of the table fall to the floor. A woman had just picked up a candle and is standing in front of the fallen candles.)

Woman: “I didn’t do it! It was that kid’s fault!”

Kid: “What? The candles fell on your side of the table.”

Woman: “Shut up you little brat! I saw you knock over those candles! You should be ashamed of yourself! This is why kids should not be allowed in public. Where is your mother!?”

(Having witnessed the ordeal, I walk over and chime in.)

Me: “Ma’am, she wasn’t touching the candles when they fell, and you are holding the same scent of candle that is on the floor.”

Woman: “This is what is wrong with kids today! They are so sheltered! They have no idea how to take responsibility for their actions! How will they function in the real world?” *looks to the little girl* “You are in for a nasty shock when mommy and daddy are no longer around, brat!”

(The whole store is watching in silence. My manager walks over.)

Manager: “Ma’am I am going to have to ask you to pay for the items you smashed or leave the store.”

Woman: *dumbfounded* “I am a loyal, paying customer. You can’t treat me this way! You are only making me pay because this brat doesn’t have any money. I will never shop here again!”

Manager: “Good. Now leave. We’re a family-friendly establishment.”

Woman: “Children are ruining society!” *storms out*

(The little girl seemed a little upset but was not crying and said she was okay. Another customer bought her a nice perfume and body lotion set and our manager gave her one of our rubber ducks!)