Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday

, , , , | Right | November 16, 2010

(Note: this customer has heard that a girl is celebrating her birthday on Friday the 13th.)

Customer: “I hope my birthday never falls on Friday the 13th!”

Me: “When’s your birthday?”

Customer: “May 20th!”

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Nautical Always Right

, , , , | Right | March 31, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Where are you located?”

Me: “We’re on [Road], in the [Shopping Center].”

Caller: “Oh… I’m in Alpharetta. How far away is that?”

Me: “Uh… a long way. There are probably several of our other stores closer to you.”

Caller: “No, it has to be your store. How far away?”

Me: “Probably about a 45-minute drive. Maybe longer if there’s traffic.”

Caller: “How do I get there?”

Me: “Well, you’d have to take 400 down to 285, and–”

Caller: “Wait, wait, that’s not gonna be useful to me. Where’s the nearest river crossing?”

Me: “…river crossing?”

Caller: “Yeah. I’m taking a boat.”

Me: “…you’re taking a boat from Alpharetta?”

Caller: “Yes. You’re intentionally being difficult.”

Me: “The nearest river crossing is about ten miles from here.”

Caller: “Oh… can you come pick me up from there?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Fine. I’ll go to another store!”

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Not Very Closed Minded, Part 2

| Right | August 28, 2014

(I work in the meat and seafood section of my store. My department closes at 10 pm, but the store itself is open until midnight. It is 10:15 pm and I am finishing cleaning when a customer approaches.)

Customer: “Can I get two pounds of catfish?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re closed.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. The doors aren’t locked, the lights are still on, and you’re still here. I want two pounds of catfish.”

Me: “The store is open until midnight, yes. But my department closes at 10 o’clock.”

Customer: “I thought I told you not to lie to me! That’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard! The department closing before the store does; do you think I’m stupid or something?!”

Me: *trying not to take the bait* “I’m afraid that’s just how it is, sir. Seafood counter closes at 10.”

Customer: “DON’T F***ING LIE TO ME! YOU HAVE TO SERVE ME! I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE!”

Me: “Yes, I can see that you’re standing right there. However, your standing there has no bearing on the time we shut down this department.”

Customer: “I’M STANDING RIGHT HERE! YOU HAVE TO SERVE ME! I WANT TWO POUNDS OF CATFISH!”

(I put a sign that says CLOSED on the counter. The customer screamed in inarticulate rage and punched my glass display case. He screamed again in pain and ran away clutching his hand, shouting about how he would sue me for assault.)

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I’m Anti-Antivirus

| Working | May 10, 2016

(The usual “Your computer has a virus” scammer calls my work mobile phone. Unfortunately for him, he could not have picked a worse target.)

Scammer: “This is [Name] from Microsoft; we have noticed your PC has a virus.”

Me: *panicky* “What? WHAT? Oh, no, please don’t say… Please, not again. What happened to the others?”

Scammer: “Yes, it has a virus.”

Me: “My boss will kill me if I nuked the malware storage again; please don’t say they’re gone!”

Scammer: *slowly getting a bit insecure* “No… no damage has been done yet, but…”

Me: “Then why do you say there’s only one virus left on my machine? If there’s only one virus on my machine, I have a big problem. What happened to the other samples?”

Scammer: *clearly a little confused* “Why… No, no, there are many viruses on your machine!”

Me: *breath of relief* “Dude, don’t shock me like this! But why are you calling me when everything’s all right?”

Scammer: *now absolutely confused* “No, it’s not right. There are many viruses on your machine!”

Me: “Yes. I sure hope so.”

Scammer: “Why would you WANT a virus on your machine?”

Me: “Because we’re an anti-virus research company.” *click*

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Appointment With Stupidity

, | Right | September 18, 2009

Me: “Service Center, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I need to make an appointment to get my oil changed.”

Me: “All right. Well, just so you know, you can come in whenever you are available during the week.”

Customer: “So, Monday through Friday?”

Me: “Yep!”

Customer: “So, wait… we don’t need an appointment?”

Me: “Nope, just come right in!”

Customer: “So, what your saying is we don’t need an appointment?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “I dunno about that.”

Me: “About what?”

Customer: “Not having an appointment.”

Me: “Well, do you want me to put you down for an appointment?”

Customer: “You just said I didn’t need one!”

Me: “Well, so you’re not so confused, I can put you in whatever slot you want.”

Customer: “No, I’ll just go somewhere else!”

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