(I am an engineering student giving a presentation with some disappointing partners. The professor we are presenting to is an expert in the field and so likes to ask complex problems to trip people up.)

Partner: “So… uh … yeah. That’s my report.”

Professor: “Well what about [doctorate level equation]?”

Partner: “Uh… uh… um…”

(At this point I see my partner floundering and attempt to answer as best I could, making it up as I go.)

Professor: “You have run a business before, haven’t you?”

Me: “Yes, sir. How did you know?”

Professor: “Because that was all absolute bulls*** but it was by far the most professional sounding bulls*** I ever heard. I’ll give you the ‘A’ for that.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. We do not allow the use of photography in the museum.”

Guest: “I wasn’t taking a photograph!” *shows me her phone*

Me: “Sorry, the way you were holding your phone looked as if you were taking a photograph. Although not only did you take a photograph, but you saved it as your cell phone wallpaper and are currently showing it to me.”

This story is part of the Lying-Customers-Getting-Caught roundup!

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(At our bookstore, we don’t employ cleaners; everyone pitches in, including the manager. At the end of one day, I am mopping the floor. There is still one customer browsing around after making purchases.)

Customer: “Hey, weren’t you my cashier?”

Me: “Yes, I was.”

Customer: “Then why are you cleaning? Where are your cleaners?”

Me: “No cleaners here; everyone pitches in.”

Customer: “Why? Only the lowest of people should be cleaning. You’re better than that.”

Me: “The manager does the cleaning, too.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! He’s the manager. No manager in their right mind would clean! I would never clean if I was a manager.”

Me: “Well, ours does. Do you have a problem with that?”

Customer: “Yes! I’m not coming back here again!” *storms out*

(I work at the front desk of a large resort in a small town. This is late at night so I am in the back room working on some nightly tasks. I have set the bell out on the counter in case a guest comes and I don’t see them.)

Guest: “HELLOOO!”

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

Guest: “I just want to get checked in! I have been waiting here for five minutes!”

Me: “Oh, I am very sorry about that! Can I just get your last—”

Guest: “I demand to speak to a manager about having to wait! That is ridiculous!”

(I call the night manager up from helping another guest.)

Manager: “How can I help you?”

Guest: “This girl kept me waiting out here for five minutes before helping me!”

Manager: *to me* “Is this true?”

Guest: “Yes, it’s true! She didn’t even notice me!”

Manager: “And you tried ringing the bell?”

Guest: “Well, of course not!”

Manager: “May I ask why not?”

Guest: “Well, that would have been rude!”

Man: *in a terrible French accent* “Ha-ha! I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit!”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Man: “May the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit get these for free?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Man: “Why not? I am the Butterfinger Crisp Bandit! I should always get them for free!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give these to you for free. Two dollars.”

Man: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “Because I could lose my job.”

(The man growls, and sluggishly hands over two dollars.)

Man: “The Butterfinger Crisp Bandit should not have to pay, but he will… this time…”

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