Great stories from our entire backlog!
(I work at a radio station. This caller is live on the air.)
Me: “Hello! What would you like to hear?”
Teenage Girl: “Fireflies!”
Me: “By Owl City?”
Teenage Girl: “Woah! I hear my voice!”
Me: “Yeah, you’re on the air.”
Teenage Girl: “Molly! If you can hear this, I’m so totally sorry about kissing your brother!”
Me: “Uh…”
Teenage Girl: “Are you going to play I Like Big Butts or not?”
(Propane can only be stored in tanks up to 80% capacity. This is because when the tank gets warm, the gas expands a little. Thus, we leave a 20% buffer.)
Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I’d like to lodge a complaint. Your driver keeps cheating me on gas.”
Me: “Oh? How so?”
Customer: “Well, he only fills it to 80%.”
Me: “Oh, we only fill it to 80% to allow it to expand on hot days.”
Customer: “That’s bull-s***! I want a full tank of gas.”
Me: “We can’t do that, ma’am. If we fill it to 100%, the gas has nowhere to go when it expands. Your tank might rupture.”
Customer: “You’re lying. I want my 100%! In fact, since you keep screwing me over, I want a 120% filled in that tank!”
Me: “Ma’am, it is physically impossible to fill something 120% of capacity. We’d blow up your tank.”
Customer: “Then tell your driver to leave the extra 20% in a bucket beside the house!”
(Our station accepts certain gas coupons which require that the gas be pumped first, and then paid for inside the store. I’ve already instructed this customer to select “pay inside” at the pump before returning to me for the discount.)
Customer: “All right, I’ve put $42 in my car.” *gives me the coupons*
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I needed you to select the pay inside option at the pump, and it seems that you have used your credit card outside. My computer system will not authorize this discount.”
Customer: “What?! You told me to pump my gas first!”
Me: “Yes, but you needed to select the pay inside option like I instructed.”
Customer: “So you won’t give me my discount?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no way for me to ring it up. These coupons never expire, so you can hang on to it and feel free to use it next time.”
Customer: “This is outrageous! You are a poopy-face, mister! You’re grounded!” *storms out*
(I am at my local doctor’s office with flu symptoms. I’ve come in at short notice to get a medical certificate for work; because of this, my regular doctor couldn’t see me. I’ve just described my symptoms to an available doctor.)
Me: “…and I’m really nauseous. I thought it was food poisoning, but it didn’t feel better after I threw up.”
Doctor: “You’re pregnant.”
(It’s important to note at this point that I am a lesbian… and on the pill.)
Me: “I really don’t think so.”
Doctor: “A girl your age, it is a blessing to be with child. You should be happy!”
(He seemed deeply offended that I found this news impossible as opposed to joyful.)
Me: “Look, [Doctor], I really can’t possibly be pregnant. I really think I have the flu. Could I please have a medical certificate?”
(In Australia, you can get fired for calling in sick without a medical certificate.)
Doctor: “No. You are pregnant. That is my final diagnosis. I can give you a medical certificate with that if you like.”
(Not at all wanting to give my boss a certificate declaring me pregnant, I left the doctor’s room and returned to the front desk where I explained my predicament to the front desk. The receptionist looked alarmed and paged my regular doctor. I ended up seeing him briefly in between appointments. When I returned a month later on a different matter I was told that that doctor had been fired for being rude and misdiagnosing customers.)
Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any books on Asia?”
Me: “Are you looking for history of Asia, or travel?”
Customer: “Just books on Asia.”
Me: “Well, we have a few travel books on India, China—”
Customer: “No, I just want a book about Asia. I’m going to Asia.”
Me: “I don’t think we have any travel books on the entirety of Asia. Where are you going specifically?”
Customer: *annoyed* “Asia!”
Me: “Okay, yes, but where in Asia? Turkey? Pakistan? North? South?”
Customer: “Oh, is Turkey near Asia?”
Me: “Um… it’s in Asia. Asia is a continent. It has lots of countries in it. It’s not a country itself.”
Customer: “Wait, you think Asia’s not a country? Asians have got to come from somewhere!”
Me: *gives up* “Ah. Well our travel section is just over here. Give me a shout if there’s anything you need…”
