The Joke Is On Him

| Friendly | March 18, 2014

(I’m at the mall food court debating what to eat after work. I’ve changed out of my uniform and am wearing a Joker and Harley Quinn shirt. Note: I’m a girl.)

Guy: “Tch, nice shirt.”

Me: “Um… thanks?”

Guy: “Do you even KNOW who they are?”

Me: “The Joker and Harley Quinn from the Batman franchise.”

Guy: “WRONG! Comics! Not franchise! Stupid fake geek girl!”

Me: “Um, no. Harley Quinn first appeared in the Batman animated series. Created by Paul Dini.”

Guy: *blinks and sputters*

Me: “So I say franchise because Harley was from another media.”

(I turn and leave and get my food. I take a seat in the food court, then the same guy with two more guys approach me.)

Guy: “You think you’re hot stuff, huh!?”

Me: “Not at all, but I know I’m not a fake geek girl.”

Guy: “Oh, yeah!?”

Me: “Yes.”

Guy: *smirks* “Name his real name!” *pointing to the Joker on my shirt*

Me: “I can’t—”

Guy: “See! FAKE GEEK—”

Me: “Let me f***ing finish, a**hole! I can’t because we don’t know. It’s common knowledge that he’s referred to as ‘Jack,’ sometimes by the full name ‘Jack Napier.’ But he’s also been known as ‘Joseph Kerr’ AND most recently ‘Oberon Sexton.’”

Guy: “Uh—”

Me: “Also, he has several apparent back stories. One story has him as a sad starting comedian who couldn’t get a decent gig. This one sometimes leads him getting into mob and gang relations and has him be the Red Hood. Other stories just have him as the Red Hood from the beginning. The last is that he is a gangster known as Jack Napier, who, once again dons the Red Hood identity. Now, will you leave me alone so I can eat or do you want me to give you the brief history of Harley Quinn PRE-new 52?”

Guy’s Friend: “Dude… you’re an a**.”

Guy: “But girls aren’t supposed to know that!”

Guy’s Friend: “Shut up, man. She’s a geek. Leave her alone.”

(The guy continues to sputter and claim that since I’m a girl I couldn’t know all of that stuff and still say I have to be fake, some how. After they leave, a cashier from the place I ordered my food comes over and gives me one of the desserts.)

Me: “I didn’t order this…”

Cashier: “On the house. Our manager insisted, for a fellow comic fan, and to tell you the Joseph Kerr story line was her favorite.”

Me: *smiles* “Mine, too.”

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Bit Off More Than She Could Chew

| Learning | October 17, 2013

(I am in high school, but I look like I should be in middle school. People often call me ‘very cute’ when they first meet me. I also have a severe speech impediment, and because of this, it’s hard for me to voice my opinion with words. A new, very loud student has transferred into my history class, and when she comes in, she notices me almost immediately.)

New Girl: “Oh my gosh! Look at you; you’re so CUTE!”

Me: “Um, thanks…”

New Girl: “Oh, you’re just adorable! I could just eat you up!”

(She proceeds to reach forward and pinch my cheeks, HARD. Since I panic, and am unable to tell her to stop, I bite one of her hands.)

New Girl: “Ow! What the h*** was that for?!”

Me: “That hurt!”

New Girl: “I was just trying to be friendly! You didn’t have to bite me!”

Me: “Well, how would you like it if someone walked up and grabbed YOUR face?!”

(The teacher walks in.)

New Girl: “[Teacher’s Name]! She bit me!”

Teacher: “[My Name]?”

Me: “I only did it because she pinched my cheeks really hard.”

(I have red marks on my face where I was pinched, but the new girl has only a few faint marks on her hand where I bit her. From where the teacher is sitting, they probably aren’t even visible.)

Teacher: “Sit down, [New Girl]. [My Name], you know better than to bite new students. It’s a good thing you didn’t take her hand off like the last one.”

(Upon hearing this, the new girl slinks away to a seat on the other side of the room. I never had any problems with her after that, although she kept giving me dirty looks for the first week she was there!)

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Why Did The Rubber Chicken Cross The Road?

, , , , | Right | September 9, 2017

(I have been experiencing Internet outages all day, and once a snow storm hits, there is nothing. I call to double check if there are any other problems in the area.)

Tech: “Thank you for calling [Service Provider]. This is [Tech]. How may I help you?”

Me: “My Internet is out, and I was wondering if there were any outages in the area.”

Tech: “I can certainly check that for you. Give me a moment…” *brief pause* “It seems there are only a handful of people who are without connection, so I don’t think it is an area issue. What is the modem doing?”

Me: “Well, it’s odd. All the lights are on as if it were working, but I definitely can’t access any websites.”

Tech: “Okay. Just a few questions for you to determine this isn’t the router. Do you have any baby monitoring devices in the house?”

Me: “No.”

Tech: “Do you have any new remote devices at all?”

Me: “No.”

Tech: “Is your home built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground?”

Me: *giving my fiancé a twisted face and giggling* “No.”

Tech: “Okay, then. I’m going to ask you to unplug the router from the modem so I may check the connection on our end.” *gives me instructions* “And don’t forget to stand on one leg while holding a rubber chicken. Most people forget that.”

(We go through a few more steps, the results of which are baffling him, because his system says there’s no connection, but my equipment says otherwise.)

Tech: “I knew it… you didn’t hold the rubber chicken.” *sigh* “Nobody ever listens.”

Me: *trying not to lose it, I giggle more* “You sure there aren’t any other outages? The storm outside is pretty bad.”

(A short conversation reveals he is in Louisiana and had no idea there was a storm.)

Tech: “Even though the storm may have something to do with it, I’m not ruling out the possibility of an ancient burial ground. However, I am going to recommend we replace your modem.”

(We set up an appointment for the next day.)

Tech: “I would like to thank you for calling [Service Provider], and for being patient with both the troubleshooting and my sense of humor. Have a good night.”

(I stay on the line to wait for the automated survey to give him an excellent review. I hang up and finally let my laughter go. Both my fiancé and roommate look confused. I tell them about the conversation.)

Fiancé: “I would have liked to hear his reaction if you told him you held a rubber duck instead.”

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If You’re Rude, You Get Screwed

, , , | Right | March 20, 2011

(I am serving a customer. He appears to be trying to impress his girlfriend.)

Customer: “This wine is corked!”

Me: “No, sir. It’s not corked.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! How dare you? A simple server should never say I’m lying! I want to speak to the manager!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Customer: “This wine is corked, and this guy is calling me a liar!”

Manager: *to me* “How can you be so sure his wine is not corked?”

Me: “The bottle had a screw cap.”


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Laptop Flop, Part 6

| Right | November 13, 2013

(I work at a computer repair center downtown. There is a crosswalk leading from our door across the street, with two parking spaces adjacent to it.)

Me: “If there are any other problems, please feel free to call or drop by; we are more than happy to help.”

(The customer takes his newly refurbished laptop and a brand new case from me.)

Customer: “Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. Do you guys happen to work on smart phones?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Just bring the phone in anytime, and we will take a look at it.”

Customer: “It’s in my car, actually. I’ll be right back.”

(The customer walks out the door to their car, and momentarily sets the laptop in its case down in the crosswalk while he looks for his keys. I have spent several long and frustrating hours working on the laptop, but because the customer is so kind and polite I don’t really mind. Unfortunately, a driver in a black pickup suddenly drives into the crosswalk and parks his truck on top of the laptop, damaging it.)

Me: “Well, f***.”

(The customer and the driver argue for a moment, before the driver comes in with the customer on his heels.)

Customer: “Look at what he did!”

(I quickly examine his laptop, and make an estimate on how much it will cost to repair it. Thankfully the damage isn’t too terrible.)

Driver: “Hey! I was here first! Quit helping him and help me! I need to pick up my [smart phone]!”

Customer #1: *to the driver* “And what exactly do you plan on doing about my laptop!”

Driver: “Nothing! It’s your own d*** fault for leaving it in a parking spot.”

Customer: “It cost me $275 to have it refurbished!”

Driver: “Sorry for you! Maybe you wont be such a moron next time and put it in your car instead of leaving it in a parking space!”

Me: *to the driver* “That will be a total of $291.57.”

Driver: “What! Why the h*** does it cost that much? This is outrageous! You’re just trying to rip me off! Give me my phone back NOW!”

Me: “It is $49.99 to replace the screen on your phone, and the repairs for this laptop will approximately cost $219.99. Including tax, your total comes to $291.57. Will that be cash or card?”

Driver: “What!? I am not paying for this a**hole’s laptop. It’s his own f****** fault for leaving it in the parking space!”

Me: “So, let me get this straight: you park in the clearly marked crosswalk, which is a no-parking zone. You whip into the space and nearly hit him because you weren’t paying attention to where you were going, and run over his laptop. The same laptop I have spent the last two days working on, which was sitting in, again, a clearly marked no-parking zone, and you’re not going to take responsibility for your actions?”

Driver: “Exactly! I am not paying for this little s***’s stupidity.”

Me: *to the customer* “It looks like your repairs will be on me.”

Customer: “Thank you, but you don’t have to do that.”

Driver: “Yeah, you have to pay for it because you’re a dumba** that left his computer in a parking space.” *turns to me* “Now give me my d*** phone.”

Me: “Get out.”

Driver: “No, I want my phone. Now hand it over.”

Me: “No. Either you pay for all of it, or you get nothing.”

Driver: “I’ll sue!”

Me: *pointing* “There are a total of one, two, three security cameras that have caught everything on tape. Do you really think you could justify refusing to pay damages in front of a judge?”

(The driver looks crestfallen, and finally pays for all of it. The customer gives me a $20 tip!)

 

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