No Pink Bunnies, But Plenty Of Jackasses

, , , | Right | April 12, 2008

(During Christmas season, our large bookstore gets awfully busy. The phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “Sure, I can help you out. Do you know the title?”

Customer: “Okay, so the book is about a bunny rabbit and I used to read it when I was a kid. It had a pink cover.”

Me: “…do you know the title, maybe?”

Customer: “Look, I’m very busy and I need this book for my kid. It’s about a bunny and the cover is pink. How many pink bunny books can there possibly be? Go look for it!”

Me: “Sir, we have no option in our search system regarding book covers–”

Customer: “Look. Go f****** find it. I’m very busy!”

Me: “Sure, let me put you on hold for a little bit.” *click*

(Later, I found out that a customer came in looking for a pink bunny book and a ‘fruity sounding’ bookseller. I’m a girl.)

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It’s The Principle Of The Matter

| Right | March 20, 2015

(I am second in line, and it’s early morning on a Thursday. The area has just gotten a severe weather warning about freezing rain and hail. In front of me is a chipper customer chatting with the clerk as she pays for her 40-oz bottles of malt liquor.)

Customer: “I got four of these. Does the two for five bucks still apply?”

Clerk: “Sure does. You got the day off, do you?”

Customer: “Yep, I work for the school district, and school’s been cancelled! I’m gonna get shit-faced before noon!”

Clerk: *slightly shocked* “Okay, well, that’s $10.20. Have fun.”

Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I’m not teaching your kids. I’m the principal!”

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From The Odd Couple To The Applauded Couple

| Right | August 8, 2012

(I am working the day shift at our grocery store. I’m almost always working with the same two coworkers: Coworker #2 is a great, if manically excitable actor, while Coworker #1 is a very flamboyant gay who usually styles up his uniform. The customers love them, since they’re best friends and spend most of their time bantering back and forth like an odd couple. On this day, a man and a woman, both clearly tourists, walk over to the counter.)

Man: *to Coworker #1* “Hey there! We were just wondering if you keep any good brandy in stock?”

Coworker #1: “You are in luck, sir! What takes your fancy?”

(From the moment he speaks, the man’s face goes from a friendly smile, to a grimace, to a particularly vicious glare.)

Man: “OH. MY. GOD!”

Coworker #1: *concerned* “What’s the matter, sir?”

Man: “Are you a f**?! Oh my God, they’ve got a f** working the counter!”

Woman: “You should be ashamed of yourself! There are children here!”

(I won’t write out in full what they said, but the man and woman start screaming expletives at him, and accuse him of everything from raising the prices to poisoning the cigars. It’s all very bigoted and disgusting, and the other customers present are horrified while Coworker #1 is almost in tears. Suddenly, Coworker #2, who has just come out of the back, hears this and pushes through the crowd.)

Coworker #2: “Excuse me, folks?”

Woman: “Oh finally, a God-fearing man! Can you please get that f** out of our sight?!”

(Coworker #2 is straight, but he pushes the man aside and grabs Coworker #1 in a tender embrace.)

Coworker #2: “Actually, I was going to ask you to get out. But when in Canberra…”

(In front of the whole store, Coworker #2 sweeps Coworker #1 into an overly dramatic, passionate kiss right on the lips. In abject terror, the couple flees the store. The other customers in the store break out in applause.)

Man: “This is DISGUSTING!” *flees out of the store with his wife*

Coworker #1: *breaks out into a huge grin* “Speak for yourself!”

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This Cheese Tastes Slippery

| Right | July 8, 2011

(I work as the HR manager at a grocery store. We often have various specialty items on display near the registers. One day, an angry customer storms in and confronts me.)

Customer: “Excuse me! Your cheese samples made me very sick!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that ma’am, but I was unaware that we had cheese samples in the store today.”

Customer: “You sure do! I took a sample and my mouth was foaming before I even left the store!”

Me: “Do you mind showing me where you found the cheese sample?”

(The customer leads me to a table filled with samples.)

Customer: “It was these! See, a whole table filled with them. They’re not even being attended by anyone! They’re all rotten. I demand compensation!”

Me: “Ma’am, the reason you got sick is because these are not cheese. These are bars of soap.”

(The customer stares at wide-eyed at the table: it’s filled with unwrapped bars of specialty bath soaps which are clearly labeled as “Organic Soaps”. Realizing her mistake, she covers her mouth with her hand and runs out of the store.)

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You Would Not Be-Leaf The 2nd Gift

| Related | December 23, 2013

(It is Christmas, and I’m opening presents.)

Dad: “Open that one next, sweetie.”

(He points to a box, which I open. Inside is one of those obnoxious singing and dancing robot Christmas trees. I’m a bit shocked and dismayed, as I had pointed out how much I hate these things when we went shopping the week before Christmas.)

Me: “Uh, weren’t you listening when I said I thought these were the most annoying things ever?”

Dad: “I know, I know. But… open that one next.”

(This time he points to a long, heavy package. I eye him suspiciously, but open it up to reveal a sledgehammer.)

Me: “What the? Is this for what I think it’s for?”

Dad: “And you thought I wasn’t paying attention!”

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