Freed Vibrations

| Right | August 10, 2012

(I am standing in line at a book store. The customer in front of me is getting rung through. She’s about 45, and the cashier is maybe 19.)

Customer: “Have you read these?” *holds up 50 Shades Darker*

Cashier: “Oh… no.”

Customer: “Oh, you MUST! They’re amazing!”

Cashier: “So I hear.”

Customer: *puts the book to her chest* “Oh, they’re just amazing!”

Cashier: “Uh huh.”

(The customer proceeds to go on and on about how sexy and scandalous the books are. The cashier is doing her very best to ignore her and just ring her through.)

Customer: *after paying* “Oh, thank you very much! One more thing: do you know where I can buy some batteries?”

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Thicker Coat Required

, , , | Right | October 25, 2012

(One of my coworkers has a really beautiful, full-length, black wool coat that’s lined with a very soft faux fur that, despite being fake, feels real. She gets questions about where she got it from our clientele a lot, but she actually made it herself. It is really cold outside.)

Customer: *spotting my co-worker on her way to her lunch break* “Oh. My. God. That coat is gorgeous!”

Coworker: “Oh, thank you.”

Customer: “Give it to me.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, the coat is not for sale.”

Customer: “Bulls***! Everything in this store is! Now give me that jacket! I’m more smarter than you. I know how everything works! If you want something in your store, you can only buy it after us real people are done shopping and only if it’s something we don’t want!”

Coworker: “Um… ma’am, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, but this jacket didn’t come from this store. I made it at home.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t! It’s mine! *tries to snatch the back of the coat as my coworker dodges her*

Coworker: “Ma’am, this is my jacket that I made for myself. We do not sell this jacket in the store, although we have some similar ones. I will not just give you my jacket.

Customer: “It’s mine! Not yours, mine!”

Manager: *to me* “What’s going on?”

Me: *explains*

Manager: *to the customer* “Ma’am, that is my employee’s jacket. It’s not for sale.”

Customer: *stamps her feet and screams* “BUT I WANT IT!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You can’t have my employee’s jacket. She needs it herself. It’s too cold. If you want a jacket, you can come back another time when you’ve calmed down.”

(She leaves, but comes back about ten minutes later with the police. They have a department on the other side of our parking lot. She points at my manager, my coworker, and me.)

Customer: “Those worthless pieces of trash are trying to steal my jacket!”

(My manager explained the situation, and they took a statement from my coworker, who had proof that she had actually handmade the jacket in the form of a series of photographs on her phone that detailed the ‘work in progress.’ In the end, it was the customer who was arrested for creating a disturbance!)

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Gotta Find Johnny Cash

| Right | October 29, 2014

(My office handles reports of fraud, but has a reputation for trying to help everybody who calls in, even if it’s nothing that we usually handle.)

Me: “[Office], [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This guy is getting benefit checks and he’s working! He does odd jobs around the trailer park where we both live.”

Me: “Okay. We’re not the right place for this, but if you tell me a little more about what’s going on, I can try to find the right place for you.”

Caller: “His name is Johnny, and I don’t know what his space number is.”

Me: “Do you know who he gets his checks from?”

Caller: “Nope, don’t see him at the mailbox. But he brags about it.”

Me: “Do you know what kind of benefit checks he’s getting?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I’m not sure on where to tell you to go.”

Caller: “Why don’t you take the information? You’re the fraud department, aren’t you? His name is Johnny, the trailer park is at [address], and he’s getting money from the government that he shouldn’t! Just write that down and investigate it.”

Me: “Do you have a surname for Johnny?”

Caller: “Nope.”

Me: *inwardly sighing* “Well, I’ll do my best to get this to the right people.”

Caller: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

(At this point, my coworker comes over as I’m staring at the notes from the call.)

Coworker: “What was that all about?”

Me: “I think I’ve found the fraud line equivalent of ‘I once read a book. It was blue.'”

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And The Children Shall (Eat) Lead

| Right | November 14, 2012

(We stock painted mediaeval knight figurines. However, they have removable weapons and are painted with lead paint, so they’re all kept on a high shelf out of the reach of children. Just to be safe, there are signs next to the figures stating that they are not safe for children. One day, I see a small boy gnawing on a William Wallace figure’s head, so I rush over and snatch it off him.)

Mother: “How dare you! That was very rude!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. It’s just that this is not a toy, and is painted with lead paint. It’s not safe for him to be playing with, and definitely not safe to chew.”

Mother: “What?! It shouldn’t have been within his reach! What kind of death-trap store is this?!”

Me: “I’m so, so sorry, ma’am. Another customer must have moved it. I ought to have spotted it sooner. ”

(I’m feeling guilty, until the kid pipes up.)

Kid: “Mommy, I was quiet! You said I could have it if I was quiet!”

Me: “Ma’am, you didn’t give this to your child, did you?”

Mother: “How was I supposed to know it was dangerous?”

Me: “Ma’am, there are distinct signs all around the figurines.” *I point to the four signs posted around the figures* “Also, they’re kept well out of the reach of children for exactly that reason.”

Mother: “I don’t have time to read f***ing signs! They shouldn’t have been in my reach either!”

Me: “I agree completely, ma’am.”

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Return The Stuff, Remove The Staff

, , , , , , | Working | January 13, 2018

Me: “Could I return this, please?”

Cashier: “Oh, my God. That is hideous. Why on earth would you buy that?!”

Me: *not appreciating her attitude* “None of your business. Could I return it, please?”

Cashier: “No. This is punishment for buying something so awful.” *runs away laughing*

(I stare at her in shock while a manager comes from the other end of the checkout.)

Manager: *grinning* “Caught her, finally! Let’s get this refunded.”

(While doing the refund, the manager told me all about how the cashier and her two friends had been misbehaving, and that her spectacle with me was all she needed to finally fire them all. I’ve honestly never seen someone so happy.)

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