How Much Is That Human In The Window

| Dublin, Ireland | Right | March 1, 2011

(A customer walks in while I am in the shop window redecorating it.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to know how much the girl in the window is?”

Coworker: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The girl in the window. I want to buy her.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but she is a staff member. Plus, I also think it’s illegal to sell people.”

Customer: “Then why is she on the window?!”

Coworker: “You’re joking, right?”

Customer: “No, I want her. I need a new cleaner.”

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Pre-pay Or The Highway

| Independence, MO, USA | Right | March 11, 2013

(I have just sold a prepaid cell phone to a customer.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Your payment has gone through, and your next payment is due in 90 days.”

Customer: “What? You’ve got to be kidding me! You mean I have to pay every 90 days or they shut me off?”

Me: “Yes, sir. That’s how the prepaid plan works. You have to put at least $20.00 on your account every 90 days to keep your service on.”

Customer: “In that case I don’t want it anymore! You take the phone and just give me my money back! I’ve had this phone for years and never had to do this!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but we just accept payments for the parent company. Once the payment is sent, you have to talk to them to try and get a refund. There is nothing I can do for you.”

(This goes on for about ten minutes, just going in circles with him. By this time I have five new customers in the store. Two of the new customers are a pair of very large Samoan brothers who happen to be regulars. Just then, the customer throws his cell phone at me.)

Customer: “You take this d*** thing back! I don’t want it anymore!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot keep your phone. It’s yours and you need to take it with you.”

Customer: “You are s***! Your store is s***! This phone is s***! I will bury you! I will sue you all until all of you don’t even have a cardboard box to live in! I will hunt down your family’s and make you all pay! And f*** this d*** phone!”

(He throws his phone onto the floor, shattering it into pieces.)

Customer: “I’m going to wait outside until your shift is over, and you’ll get what’s coming to you!”

(As he says all this, he hasn’t noticed the Samoan brothers who have been behind him in the back of the store. One of the brothers finally walks up and taps the irate customer on the shoulder.)

Samoan #1: “Hey little man, I think it’s time to go.”

Customer: “Who the h*** do you think you are talking—”

(He turns as he’s talking to see the brothers, who are about two feet taller and three feet wider than he is. He turns the palest color I have ever seen a human being become.)

Samoan #2: “As my bro said, time to go!”

Customer: “But they are trying to rip me off! Trying to rob me! This is all BS! I am not going anywhere!”

Samoan #1: “You walk out, or we toss you out. Your choice.”

Customer: “I won’t leave until this p**** gives me my money!”

(They each grab an arm, lift him three feet off the ground, and toss him backwards out of the doors. The rest of the customers then begin to clap and cheer for them. I make sure that anytime they come in after that, they get the full employee discount on everything they bought.)

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A Parrot On The Other Line

| York, England, UK | Working | August 13, 2013

(It is shortly after my uncle has passed away. I’m at his house helping his girlfriend sort out the documents related to all his bills, when the phone rings. As my uncle’s girlfriend had gone to get us lunch, I answer it.)

Me: “Hello.”

Telemarketer: “Hello there, my name is [name] from [electric company]. I would like to speak to Mr.[uncle’s name] about changing his electricity supplier.”

Me: “I’m afraid he passed away a few weeks ago, and is no longer with us.”

Telemarketer: “I see. So when do you think he will be available?”

Me: “He won’t. I said He’s no longer with us.”

Telemarketer: “So you said. I was asking when he would be back. It’s urgent I speak with him regarding his electricity bill, as we believe we could save him up to £50 per year on his bill.”

Me: “You’re not getting it. He’s passed on! My uncle is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life! He rests in peace! Am I getting through to you?”

Telemarketer: *hangs up*

(I told my uncle’s girlfriend this when she returned. When she realized I had quoted Monty Python, it was the first time I had seen her smile since my uncle died.)

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Another Way To Water The Plants

| TX, USA | Right | April 20, 2015

(My dad is the customer in this one. He strongly dislikes lemon in water, which of course is a standard way of serving it in many restaurants. He’s noted that if he just says, “No lemon, please,” it often shows up with lemon anyway — servers are human, and it’s easy to forget a request and do it your standard way. He could just take it out, but he feels that it makes the water bitter, so rather than be THAT guy and insist on a new glass when this happens, he’s come up with a way to make the request memorable and thereby end up with un-lemoned water in the first place. I have to admit that it almost always works, and often gets a grin, but one young lady turned the tables on him.)

Me: “I’ll have a [Diet Soda].”

Dad: “I’ll have water, with no fruits and no vegetables in it.”

(A couple minutes later, back comes our waitress, with my soda, and a glass of water … with a big ol’ stalk of broccoli stuck in it! She puts the drinks down, just like this is completely normal, starts to turn away, and then stops and snaps her fingers.)

Waitress: “Oh, that’s right! You were the one who wanted no vegetables!”

(And then while we were dying laughing, she took it away and brought the fruit-and-veggie-free water originally asked for. Definitely the best response ever to his little shtick.)

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