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Late Night Burgers Come From Cash Cows

, | Working | November 28, 2013

(It’s about 2 am. I pull up to a surprisingly busy drive through and place my order.)

Employee: “Cash or Credit?”

Me: “Credit.”

Employee: “Okay. Please drive through.”

(At the next window I hand the employee my credit card. He takes it from me.)

Employee: “Sorry, the machine is turned off for the night. You have to pay cash.”

Me: “I don’t have any cash on me. Why did you ask ‘cash or credit’ if the machine is turned off?”

Employee: “We just turned it off a couple of minutes ago. It must have still been on when they asked.”

Me: “But why turn it off at all?”

Employee: “That’s our policy. We turn it off at this time every night. It can’t be turned back on until morning.”

Me: *giving up* “Well, okay. Just give me my card back so I can leave.”

Employee: “But you need to pay for your food!”

Me: “You haven’t given me any food and I don’t have cash. What do you want me to do?”

Employee: “I already processed your order. You have to pay for it!”

Me: “I can’t magically make cash appear. You can either turn the machine back on and use my card, or you can cancel my order and give me my card back. There’s no third option.”

Employee: “What if I gave you your card and you went to an ATM and got cash?”

Me: “Sure, that’s a great idea. Just give me my card.”

(He finally gives me my card back. I never went back to that restaurant.)

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Also Forgot His Nuts

| Right | August 14, 2015

(I go to the store to get bananas, and nothing else. I pay for the bananas, and start to walk away, forgetting them at the register.)

Cashier: *holds bananas up and calls to me* “Hey! Your bananas!”

Me: “That’s between me and my psychiatrist, thank you very much!”

(We all have a good chuckle as I return for the bananas.)

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BOGO: Buy One Give One

| Right | April 2, 2012

(I’ve been helping a customer who’s about to get a great deal because of a BOGO promotion in the store. She also has a coupon for a free item. Even I am impressed with the amount of products she’ll get for free. I’ve been helping her select lotions and fragrances on the floor.)

Customer: “Well, I have so much already. I don’t know what to pick out next. What would you recommend? What’s your favorite fragrance?”

(I show her my favorite fragrance and she adds a lotion to her bag before she heads to the register to check out. She comes back to me after she makes her purchases.)

Customer: “Thanks so much for your help today!”

(Surprisingly, she hands me a bag from our store with an item in it. Inside is my favorite lotion; she had used her coupon to treat me!)

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An Offering To The Literary Gods

, , | Right | June 16, 2009

(I’m sitting at the reference desk when a lady walks in with a beautiful bouquet in one hand, a bag full of freshly-baked loaves of bread in the other, and a ferocious scowl on her face. She comes to the desk and slams down the flowers.)

Lady: *growls* “Flowers for librarians!”

(She slams down the bread, then growls again.)

Lady: “Bread for librarians!”

(She then puts both hands on the desk and leans forward.)

Lady: *snarling* “Now find me a book!”

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A Winning Counter-Threat

| Right | June 21, 2015

(We have a client who frequently calls and threatens to send her father to our firm because her case isn’t resolved, in spite of us telling her repeatedly that she has to wait for the final hearing which has been scheduled. Her father also repeatedly threatens us as well. I’ve finally had enough with this phone call.)

Client’s Father: “If you don’t file a [name of motion] by TODAY, I’m going to come down there personally, and we’ll see what happens!”

Me: “Good. I’ve been looking for a reason to call the police.”

Client’s Father: “What? You can’t do that! Attorney-client privilege!”

Me: “See, here’s the thing Mr. [Name]: you are NOT the client. Furthermore, I’m the paralegal. I don’t get paid enough to deal with your threats. If I quit, the attorney has no one to deal with your abuse. If you come in and threaten me, I have every right to fear for my safety and take actions to ensure I am safe.”

Client’s Father: “WHY YOU B****! I’LL TEACH YOU—”

Me: *interrupting him* “FURTHERMORE, your daughter is in the middle of a custody battle with her ex being represented by one of the loudest attorneys in town. How do you think a criminal charge will affect her case?”


Me: “Likewise. Show up at the office and I’ll call the police, and you’ll lose your case. If you have a problem, take it up with the attorney. I’m not dealing with you anymore.”

Client’s Father: “HOW DARE YOU!” *I hang up mid-sentence*

(He never did come in to threaten me… and he never did complain either!)

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