Chip Quip

, | Right | September 10, 2013

(I’ve recently moved to the USA from England, and have got myself a job in a fast food place. I keep saying chips instead of fries, which causes confusion.)

Me: *to coworker* “Can I get two medium chips to go please?”

Customer: “No, I wanted fries.”

Me: “Oh yeah, my bad. I’m still not used to talking American.”

Customer: “So where you from? Mexico?”

(I have tanned skin, so this is a common question.)

Me: “No mate, I’m British.”

Customer: “Oh, I see. So you’re not used to speaking English?”

Me: “What? Us Brits speak English too; we invented the language.”

Customer: “Oh sweetie, don’t worry! You’ll learn real English in America.”

Me: “Okay.” *I decide to throw in a British colloquialism* “Here’s your order. Have a pukka day!”

Customer: “See, I knew you British didn’t speak English.”

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Don’t Be A-Gas-t, Just Being Help-Fuel

| Right | October 11, 2012

(It’s around closing time and two customers walk in. One is a regular and the other is a frazzled looking woman who is talking to herself while digging in her wallet.)

Woman: *mutters to herself* “No money, but I need gas. I wouldn’t worry, but the fuel light is flashing…”

(She glances my way and I notice that she’s on the verge of tears.)

Me: “Ma’am? Can I help you?”

Woman: “I really need gas but this is all I have.” *opens her hand to reveal $0.42*

Me: “I know how that is. Tell you what… why don’t you go pump $5 and I’ll pay for it, okay?”

Woman: *wide-eyed* “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure. Go ahead, I’ve got it.”

(The woman walks out looking less distressed. However, the regular gives me a stern frown.)

Me: “What?”

Regular: “Why’d you do that?”

Me: “Because I could only afford to let her get $5. If I wasn’t broke right now, I would have told her to go for $20.”

Regular: “No, why did you let her get gas on your dime? She could have been lying for all you know!”

Me: “She looked lost as a goose and terrified. I doubt she was lying. Even if she was, it’s my money, not yours.”

Regular: “Hmph!” *pays for his items and leaves*

(As for the woman, she actually came back in the store, wanting my address to send me the money but I insisted it was fine!)

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He’s Telling A Shaggy Dog Story

| Right | January 6, 2014

(I work for a major attorney service firm. Our job is to go out to businesses (usually medical) to copy records. I am a ‘stop setter,’ meaning that I set the appointments for our field agents. One of the field agents comes dashing into the office, his clothing disheveled, and panting.)

Me: “What happened?!”

Field Agent: “You wouldn’t believe it! I went to serve Doctor [Name] with a subpoena for records. I went to his home in Malibu, drove up the hill, and parked. Just as I got out of my convertible to go serve him, four huge Dobermans came charging around the corner and tried to kill me! I ran back, jumped into my car, zoomed down the hill and back here!”

Me: “Okay. I’ll call him.”

(I do just that.)

Me: “Dr. [Name]. This is [My Name] from [Copy Service]. Our field agent says he went to your home to serve a subpoena for the records on [legal case] and—”

Doctor: “Listen to me you dirty little s***! That field agent is LYING! My gate’s closed. NOBODY can get in. He was never chased by any dogs because I don’t HAVE any! I’m not home, so he couldn’t have found me. Besides, the dogs were TIED UP! I can see them right now from my WINDOW!”

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Rent Is More Important

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2013

Me: “Good afternoon, [Online Ticket Website].”

Customer: “Your website is the worst.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want help.”

Me: “Clearly. Would you like me to help you purchase tickets to a specific show?”

Customer: “Yes. I guess.”

Me: “What play?”

Customer:Belleville.”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am. The entire run of Belleville is sold out.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t.”

Me: “Yes. It is.”

Customer: “Says who?”

Me: “Says me.”

Customer: “I WANT THOSE TICKETS! I WANT THEM NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing I can do. The play is sold out, and I would suggest that you calm down as tickets to an off-Broadway play aren’t nearly as important as things like a roof over one’s head or food on one’s table.”

Customer: “MAYBE FOR YOU!” *click*


This story is part of our Musical Theater Roundup!

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A Stupid Combo

, | Working | January 20, 2015

Me: “[Burger] please, just on its own.”

Server: “You want a combo?”

Me: “No, on its own, please.”

Server: “Not combo?”

Me: “On its own.”

Server: “You should get a combo, it’s cheaper.”

Me: “Than just the burger?”

Server: “No.”

Me: “Just the burger please. Nothing else.”

Server: *shrugs* “Okay, six dollars.”

Me: “But it’s only $3.99.”

Server: “Plus tax.”

Me: “The tax shouldn’t be that much.”

Server: “Sandwich and fries and drink plus tax, six dollars.”

Me: “But I said no combo.”

Server: “Yes, so fries and drink cost more.”

Me: “But I only want the burger, no combo. No drink, no fries.”

Server: “You want just the sandwich?”

Me: “Yes.”

Server: “No drink? No fries?”

(She’s probably still trying to sell the combo to the space I was standing in.)

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